Last thoughts of 2008

The Year in Review

Two years. Two years of waiting. Waiting, waiting and waiting. I felt humbled when I finally reached Cologne. It was like seeing something bear fruit at last.

Language classes came and went. It turned out that I would have a totally different experience from my brother and friends, be it in Germany or Japan. My classmates were mainly people with commitments, not students. When I hear about other friends' experiences elsewhere, when I look back on it, I can only feel resigned. There was fun, but at the end of the day, I couldn't do anything more.

I travelled a bit, sometimes alone. St Gallen, Zurich, Holland, Belgium, Madrid, Toledo, Barcelona, Copenhagen, Oslo, Bergen, Bremen, Hamburg, Hannover, Kiel, Lübeck.

If you have to go alone, you go alone.

In the meantime, a season which had promised so much ended in disappointment. Arsenal finished third, despite playing brilliant football, despite leading the league for much of the season.

I was there, when Wesley Sneijder finished that wonderful move against Italy. Corner cleared, ball swept all the way into space for van Bronckhorst, a cross to Kuyt at the far post who headed it into Sneijder's path, and he acrobatically lunged to knock it past Buffon. To me, it was the goal of the tournament. It was the kind of goal I dream of. That incisiveness. Bang, bang, goal.

There were to be many goals from the Oranje. I really felt it was going to be our year at last.

But I was also there when they didn't even show up against Russia. I was the only one in the entire pub not supporting Russia. That was in Lubeck. I sat through the whole game, numb. At the end of it, I felt so sorry for van der Sar and Sneijder, because they were the only two who were fighting till the end.

I was back in Cologne for the final- Germany against Spain. The atmosphere was crazy. To be honest, I was glad Spain won, because they were the best team of the tournament.

In the meantime, Justine Henin also retired from tennis. I never understood the full impact of that until I watched the French Open, without Justine Henin. It was just emptiness. Nothingness. It's simply not the same.

Then, it was time to move to Munich. At one point in time, I didn't like Cologne. But looking back, living in Ehrenfeld was very nice. I remember the hospital I would pass by on my way to the station, the Imbiss, the Eis-café, Maifeld, my place. The day it snowed right after Easter, Hohenzollern Bridge, Sweet Sushi…

At the end of it, I realized that things may change, but the memories of the people who once lived there will always remain.

July was when I moved to Munich. I spent about 4 days getting everything in order before flying back to Singapore. I went back because there were things to be done. There were things that I didn't properly handle when I left the first time round. When God gives you a second chance, you have to take it.

Going back made me realize that all things come to an end.

Then August, industrial attachment. I was relieved when it was over. Autumn in Zagreb. The place grew on me, and I felt as though I had lived there forever. Then Brussels again. But before that, Cologne again. I walked from the language school at Hansaring back to Hauffstrasse 7. I didn't manage to do all the things I wanted to, because there was too little time. But I did what I could.

Brussels was much nicer this time round.

I enjoyed Oktoberfest, but deep down inside, I knew something was lacking.

Then uni started. I actually felt excited to go to school. Maybe when you haven't done something in a while, you treasure it more. Thursday dinners with the floormates, dinners with Singaporeans, parties, school, ice-skating in Heidelberg.

Meanwhile on the football side of life, everything that could go wrong went wrong for Arsenal. I even took a break from football. Absolutely nothing to do with football for 7 days. I wanted to stay away till the new year, but 7 days was all it lasted. Actually, I was surprised it even lasted 7 days.

I went to Aschheim to watch Bayern play Duisburg, women's football. I took a 20-minute S-Bahn ride, seeing sides of Munich I have never seen before, then walked 20 minutes to get to the small stadium. The rain was relentless. As I stood there in the rain, 5 meters away from the action, memories came flooding back. Something has always haunted me. Even now, it still does.

Bayern lost on penalties. Julia Simic didn't take a penalty.

But who was I, to criticize her? I didn't back many people up. I didn't back my brother up at that restaurant. When that waitress spilt my Pina Colada over me in Cologne, I wanted to tell her not to be afraid, not to be scarred. But I didn't. I wasn't there to stand up for people when they needed me most. As I walked back to the station in the cold, I asked myself why didn't she take the last penalty but left it to the 16-year-old to take it. I knew the answer, but I didn't want to accept it: she was afraid. We were both afraid. We were both afraid to take the responsibility if we fail. We let others take that responsibility. We looked for excuses. We ran away, we took the easy way out.

Did you back someone up, or did you just let him fall?

Before I know it, Christmas is just around the corner, with 2009 not far behind.

I didn't want Christmas to come, because it is like the referee blowing the whistle when you want advantage to be played, like the referee blowing for full-time when you are in the ascendancy, chasing a result.

Timing, timing, timing.

You can choose to wallow in your self-pity or you can choose to show some guts and fight.

What I realized is that despite everything, you have to play on: Get up, get up, get up! Get up and fight! Heads up!

I was at the Hauptbahnhof. People were coming and going. I stood there, the only constant. And I wondered if I will ever see some people again. The waitress at BentoBox where I frequent; Sunday was her last day. Munich, a city of one million people- will I ever see her again? It's a miracle to be talking to a particular someone out of a million people, isn't it? Out of a million people, miraculous. And I also wonder what the place will be like without her.

And as the year comes to an end, there are disappointments, there are frustrations.

But we will win, my friends. We will win.

Stories

I wrote many stories in 2008, though not more than in 2007. Some were very important on a personal level, some were not satisfying. But I achieved my target of one per month. I was looking through what I have written, and have streamlined the list down to 13, the 13 most significant stories.

101 Steps (January)

101 Steps came about because I told my brother I could write a story if he would give me the first line, and "It snowed today, on the anniversary of his death" was what he gave me.

Memories (February)

Memories is dedicated to Cologne, retrospectively.

A Journey (March)

A Journey was inspired by my encounter with a Swiss lady on my way back from Switzerland, as well as someone who told me about the carving she made once upon a time on Hohenzollern Bridge with someone. I did go and try to look for it, but I couldn't. In the process, I realized the power of memories.

Blue Rose (April)

Blue Rose is dedicated to Candice; we were talking about green eyes and blue roses.

Leave (April)

Leave is a story that means a lot to me, because I was trying to capture the feelings of leaving, as well as to a certain extent the collapse of a circle of friends.

That Song (June)

That Song is inspired by Barcelona and Proposal Daisakusen. "Almost here", "What really happened?" are the thoughts behind it.

Happy Birthday (August)

Is dedicated to myself.

The Balcony (August)

The Balcony is dedicated to my ex-neighbour Lily. She would sit on the balcony and smoke, and we would talk. The day I got back from Brussels, I opened the door to the balcony to find her chair gone. My new neighbor is a guy who keeps to himself. The weather is also too cold to linger on the balcony. But I miss those days.

Those Emerald Eyes (August)

I finally realized many old ideas with this piece. And obviously, I am still haunted by those emerald eyes. It is also partly inspired by my last hours in Cologne, the people I saw.

Somewhere Out There (August)

This is dedicated to Jill, who wanted a happy story for her birthday. It was actually very difficult, because I never write happy stuff.

Mari Selieni (October)

Mari Seliani is a story about being condemned to wander. The protagonist appears to be the Giovanni from That Song and Happy Birthday. I was trying to fill in a little bit more of Giovanni and Claire's story.

Friends (November)

Dedicated to people with friends. It was emotionally draining for me to write this. After I finished it, the line "Team, Janaz, what happened to your team" was stuck in my head for days.

24 Hours (December)

There were bits of Munich, Cologne, Zagreb, Heidelberg in it. It is a story about reconciliation and redemption.

To the people who have read my stories, thanks bunches. Just one more request- tell me which one is your favourite. It somehow means a lot to me to know.