Keiko: Shinji's Story
1 June: Summer Rain
I stand there for a while, observing the waves rise and fall, crashing into the soft sand, tickling my bare toes, before leaving foamy bubbles in their wake, as the cycle repeats itself again and again. The breeze gently caresses my face, as I take in the smell of the ocean, which seems to be a mixture of salt and Keiko.
“Hey Kei, have I loved you like I should have?” I whisper to the wind.
When it returns again, it doesn’t bring her answer.
But a plea.
Raindrops begin to fall on my face- the first rain of the summer.
“Don’t cry.”
I pick up my shoes and turn away, towards the house not far away, my own tears mixed with the rain.
**
“Shinji! How have you been?”
“I am fine…what about you?”
Keiko’s mother only smiles and nods as she welcomes me into the house. Sitting me down at the sofa, she disappears into the kitchen, reappearing with some tea.
“I am sorry I am so late,” I say as she hands me a cup.
She shakes her head profusely. “It’s ok. You are busy enough. I am sure Keiko would understand.”
I swirl the tea gently in its cup.
She sips a little from hers. “Oh, Aki was here this morning. And one of her classmates came earlier in the afternoon. The Iwamasa boy, I shouldn’t really say boy, he’s all grown up now.”
I stop swirling. “Iwamasa?”
She nods. “I am heartened to see that Keiko’s friends still remember her after all these years. They don’t come every year, unlike Aki and you… but they do come. Most of you young people have moved away to the cities, so coming back isn’t always convenient. That’s why I am really grateful, especially to you and Aki.”
“How is Aki?”
“Doing well…I thought you should know, since both of you live in Tokyo, and you always come together. Except this year.”
I resume swirling. “I haven’t seen her in a while.”
“Have you got a girlfriend?”
I stop. The tea spins around the cup a little more, before all is still again.
“It’s ok to tell me. In fact, I would be very happy for you.”
I smile as I bring the cup up to my mouth, burying my gaze in the cup. “There really isn’t anyone.”
“What about Aki?”
“What about her?”
“She is a nice girl.”
I put the cup down. I do not say a word, but smile.
She laughs embarrassedly. “I am being too nosy. I am sorry.”
I shake my head. “I guess I should get going. I have disturbed you.”
As I prepare to step out of the house, she holds me by the arm. “Shinji…why don’t you let her go?”
I stand there for a while, before turning to her with a smile. “I am going.”
She releases her grip, and I take my leave.
**
2 July: Heart
I didn’t leave because I could get on with my life as though nothing had happened. I left, because I needed to go somewhere where I wouldn’t see Kei’s shadow, hear her voice all the time. I thought that by leaving, I would be able to get on with my life.
But I was wrong.
Kei has been living in my heart all this while.
**
3 August: Yamanote
It is very late. Other than the two high school girls chatting excitedly opposite me, and another girl reading her book, there isn’t anyone else in the carriage. I unzip my briefcase and takes out the small leather-bound book that I always have with me for the past 7 years- Kei’s diary for me. Her mother had passed it to me a few days after the funeral, because Kei had stuck a note with ‘For Shinji’ on the cover.
I flip it open to the first page. “For Shinji,” it says.
I flip to the next page.
11 April 1999
Dear Shinji,
I thought I should start writing to you. There are always so many things which I want to tell you about, like this hospital room I am in, for instance. I don’t really like it. Even though I have been in and out of the hospital a lot, I still don’t like the wards. They just seem so artificial. There is a window here, but it looks out to the main entrance and car park of the hospital, not the Pacific Ocean. Naturally, I am disappointed, but at least I will know when you are coming.
I think I must start liking my environment, or at least get used to it; after all, it seems that I will be living here from now on. My parents just told me that they have withdrawn me from the school. I must have been very silly, insisting on starting the new school term, even with my condition. But at that time, I really, really thought I could.
Hey Shinji…I might leave you soon.
“Nippori. Nippori.”
I close the diary, put it into my briefcase and alight. Only the girl reading the book remains in the carriage.
**
4 September: Fireworks
The fireworks suddenly illuminate the night sky.
Subconsciously, I get up from my seat to take a closer look by the window.
Kei liked nothing more than setting off fireworks on the beach by her house during the summer: She would squeal in delight, one arm grabbing my arm, the other hand pointing at the velvety sky which at once would transform into a blank canvas for the fireworks to showcase their artistry.
I tug at the cord, and the cover falls over the window.
She was once here beside me.
**
5 October: Summer
“Hey Shinji, summer is finally ending! I can already feel it getting cooler, although I am eagerly anticipating the day when the day temperature drops below 20 degrees. But it’s great, isn’t it? No more hot, humid weather, no more sweating like a dog.”
“Uh,” I acknowledge without looking up from my computer screen.
**
6 November: Hesitation
I stare at the screen of my phone for a while, before flipping it shut. I look around, lost amidst the crowd in Harajuku, scanning for a familiar face. But to no avail. Then I flip it open and stare at it again.
I finally flip it shut, stuffing it in my pocket.
**
7 December: Have you forgotten her?
Without acknowledging my presence, he squeezes past me to get to the apartment beside Aki’s. As he fishes for his keys, I ask him, “Do you know when Aki will be back?”
He unlocks the door. “Have you forgotten her?”
I watch, as he enters his apartment. After about 5 minutes, I decide to leave too.
**
8 January: Never, ever.
On nights like this, walking home in the cold, I will hear his question over and over again.
I haven’t forgotten her.
I don’t think I ever will.
Never, ever.
**
9 February: Smile
Shinji,
You don’t smile a lot nowadays. You try very hard to smile, but even so, I know you are troubled. If smiling is so difficult, please don’t smile. Let me know what’s troubling you. Don’t keep everything to yourself.
**
10 March: Memories
I try not to look, but can’t help myself.
The two high school students sitting across from me are laughing loudly, behaving as though they were the only people in the carriage. They are listening to a MP3, sharing a set of earphones. The girl listens intently, her head bobbing to the rhythm, occasionally looking up at the boy’s face, breaking into another smile. He smiles like he is the happiest person alive.
“Uguisudani. Uguisudani.”
My stop is next, but I can’t take it anymore and gets off here. They are alone in the carriage now.
**
11 April: Spring
8 years ago, on this day, Kei was hospitalized.
I went to the hospital every day after school; it became second nature to me. Each time, Kei would be sitting on her bed, waiting with a smile. Almost as if she had already known I was coming. I never realized that the entrance of the hospital could be seen from her window.
One day, she told me that she was bored having to stay in the bed all the time. By then, her condition was already too serious for her to move around.
“When you get better, I will take you out. What would you like to do?”
“See the sunrise over the Pacific Ocean,” was her prompt reply.
I nodded.
“Hey Shinji.”
“What is it?”
“I wish that we could be like this forever.”
I only smiled. A weak smile.
After school the next day, I went to the hospital again. Just before I opened the door, I put on a smile. The smile promptly disappeared when I saw the empty bed.
She had left. Before summer had even arrived.
**
12 May: Last Wish
Hey Shinji,
I really wish we could be like this forever. I pray to God every night, hoping that I can wake up the next day to see you again.
Sometimes I wonder if I am too naïve, to actually believe in eternity.
Shinji, I am kind of tired. I am kind of tired from having to fight just to see you for a while more. I keep fighting, so as to get closer to you, to walk towards you, to be in your future with you. But someone is holding me back.
Shinji, I think I am losing.
When I leave, can you please don’t ever let go of me?
I was joking. It would be too selfish for me to ask that of you.
But Shinji, please live well even after I am gone. And don’t forget me so quickly or I think I will get jealous. Let go of me bit by bit, ok?
Shinji, goodnight.
**
1 June: Sweet dreams
I have been sitting on this beach since the previous night, listening to the waves and the wind, watching the colour of the sky change from dark to light blue, and back to dark again.
The alarm on my phone sounds. I deactivate it as I get to my feet.
It is midnight.
I pick up the leather-bound book and carefully dust off the sand. I walk towards the waves. It is dark, and there isn’t much of a moon tonight. But soon, I can feel the coolness of the water lapping up my bare feet. I proceed further, until my ankles are in the water. I shiver a little; the water is cold.
I gently place the book on the water.
"Sweet dreams, Kei,” I whisper.
I stand there for a while, observing the waves rise and fall, crashing into the soft sand, tickling my bare toes, before leaving foamy bubbles in their wake, as the cycle repeats itself again and again. The breeze gently caresses my face, as I take in the smell of the ocean, which seems to be a mixture of salt and Keiko.
“Hey Kei, have I loved you like I should have?” I whisper to the wind.
When it returns again, it doesn’t bring her answer.
But a plea.
Raindrops begin to fall on my face- the first rain of the summer.
“Don’t cry.”
I pick up my shoes and turn away, towards the house not far away, my own tears mixed with the rain.
**
“Shinji! How have you been?”
“I am fine…what about you?”
Keiko’s mother only smiles and nods as she welcomes me into the house. Sitting me down at the sofa, she disappears into the kitchen, reappearing with some tea.
“I am sorry I am so late,” I say as she hands me a cup.
She shakes her head profusely. “It’s ok. You are busy enough. I am sure Keiko would understand.”
I swirl the tea gently in its cup.
She sips a little from hers. “Oh, Aki was here this morning. And one of her classmates came earlier in the afternoon. The Iwamasa boy, I shouldn’t really say boy, he’s all grown up now.”
I stop swirling. “Iwamasa?”
She nods. “I am heartened to see that Keiko’s friends still remember her after all these years. They don’t come every year, unlike Aki and you… but they do come. Most of you young people have moved away to the cities, so coming back isn’t always convenient. That’s why I am really grateful, especially to you and Aki.”
“How is Aki?”
“Doing well…I thought you should know, since both of you live in Tokyo, and you always come together. Except this year.”
I resume swirling. “I haven’t seen her in a while.”
“Have you got a girlfriend?”
I stop. The tea spins around the cup a little more, before all is still again.
“It’s ok to tell me. In fact, I would be very happy for you.”
I smile as I bring the cup up to my mouth, burying my gaze in the cup. “There really isn’t anyone.”
“What about Aki?”
“What about her?”
“She is a nice girl.”
I put the cup down. I do not say a word, but smile.
She laughs embarrassedly. “I am being too nosy. I am sorry.”
I shake my head. “I guess I should get going. I have disturbed you.”
As I prepare to step out of the house, she holds me by the arm. “Shinji…why don’t you let her go?”
I stand there for a while, before turning to her with a smile. “I am going.”
She releases her grip, and I take my leave.
**
2 July: Heart
I didn’t leave because I could get on with my life as though nothing had happened. I left, because I needed to go somewhere where I wouldn’t see Kei’s shadow, hear her voice all the time. I thought that by leaving, I would be able to get on with my life.
But I was wrong.
Kei has been living in my heart all this while.
**
3 August: Yamanote
It is very late. Other than the two high school girls chatting excitedly opposite me, and another girl reading her book, there isn’t anyone else in the carriage. I unzip my briefcase and takes out the small leather-bound book that I always have with me for the past 7 years- Kei’s diary for me. Her mother had passed it to me a few days after the funeral, because Kei had stuck a note with ‘For Shinji’ on the cover.
I flip it open to the first page. “For Shinji,” it says.
I flip to the next page.
11 April 1999
Dear Shinji,
I thought I should start writing to you. There are always so many things which I want to tell you about, like this hospital room I am in, for instance. I don’t really like it. Even though I have been in and out of the hospital a lot, I still don’t like the wards. They just seem so artificial. There is a window here, but it looks out to the main entrance and car park of the hospital, not the Pacific Ocean. Naturally, I am disappointed, but at least I will know when you are coming.
I think I must start liking my environment, or at least get used to it; after all, it seems that I will be living here from now on. My parents just told me that they have withdrawn me from the school. I must have been very silly, insisting on starting the new school term, even with my condition. But at that time, I really, really thought I could.
Hey Shinji…I might leave you soon.
“Nippori. Nippori.”
I close the diary, put it into my briefcase and alight. Only the girl reading the book remains in the carriage.
**
4 September: Fireworks
The fireworks suddenly illuminate the night sky.
Subconsciously, I get up from my seat to take a closer look by the window.
Kei liked nothing more than setting off fireworks on the beach by her house during the summer: She would squeal in delight, one arm grabbing my arm, the other hand pointing at the velvety sky which at once would transform into a blank canvas for the fireworks to showcase their artistry.
I tug at the cord, and the cover falls over the window.
She was once here beside me.
**
5 October: Summer
“Hey Shinji, summer is finally ending! I can already feel it getting cooler, although I am eagerly anticipating the day when the day temperature drops below 20 degrees. But it’s great, isn’t it? No more hot, humid weather, no more sweating like a dog.”
“Uh,” I acknowledge without looking up from my computer screen.
**
6 November: Hesitation
I stare at the screen of my phone for a while, before flipping it shut. I look around, lost amidst the crowd in Harajuku, scanning for a familiar face. But to no avail. Then I flip it open and stare at it again.
I finally flip it shut, stuffing it in my pocket.
**
7 December: Have you forgotten her?
Without acknowledging my presence, he squeezes past me to get to the apartment beside Aki’s. As he fishes for his keys, I ask him, “Do you know when Aki will be back?”
He unlocks the door. “Have you forgotten her?”
I watch, as he enters his apartment. After about 5 minutes, I decide to leave too.
**
8 January: Never, ever.
On nights like this, walking home in the cold, I will hear his question over and over again.
I haven’t forgotten her.
I don’t think I ever will.
Never, ever.
**
9 February: Smile
Shinji,
You don’t smile a lot nowadays. You try very hard to smile, but even so, I know you are troubled. If smiling is so difficult, please don’t smile. Let me know what’s troubling you. Don’t keep everything to yourself.
**
10 March: Memories
I try not to look, but can’t help myself.
The two high school students sitting across from me are laughing loudly, behaving as though they were the only people in the carriage. They are listening to a MP3, sharing a set of earphones. The girl listens intently, her head bobbing to the rhythm, occasionally looking up at the boy’s face, breaking into another smile. He smiles like he is the happiest person alive.
“Uguisudani. Uguisudani.”
My stop is next, but I can’t take it anymore and gets off here. They are alone in the carriage now.
**
11 April: Spring
8 years ago, on this day, Kei was hospitalized.
I went to the hospital every day after school; it became second nature to me. Each time, Kei would be sitting on her bed, waiting with a smile. Almost as if she had already known I was coming. I never realized that the entrance of the hospital could be seen from her window.
One day, she told me that she was bored having to stay in the bed all the time. By then, her condition was already too serious for her to move around.
“When you get better, I will take you out. What would you like to do?”
“See the sunrise over the Pacific Ocean,” was her prompt reply.
I nodded.
“Hey Shinji.”
“What is it?”
“I wish that we could be like this forever.”
I only smiled. A weak smile.
After school the next day, I went to the hospital again. Just before I opened the door, I put on a smile. The smile promptly disappeared when I saw the empty bed.
She had left. Before summer had even arrived.
**
12 May: Last Wish
Hey Shinji,
I really wish we could be like this forever. I pray to God every night, hoping that I can wake up the next day to see you again.
Sometimes I wonder if I am too naïve, to actually believe in eternity.
Shinji, I am kind of tired. I am kind of tired from having to fight just to see you for a while more. I keep fighting, so as to get closer to you, to walk towards you, to be in your future with you. But someone is holding me back.
Shinji, I think I am losing.
When I leave, can you please don’t ever let go of me?
I was joking. It would be too selfish for me to ask that of you.
But Shinji, please live well even after I am gone. And don’t forget me so quickly or I think I will get jealous. Let go of me bit by bit, ok?
Shinji, goodnight.
**
1 June: Sweet dreams
I have been sitting on this beach since the previous night, listening to the waves and the wind, watching the colour of the sky change from dark to light blue, and back to dark again.
The alarm on my phone sounds. I deactivate it as I get to my feet.
It is midnight.
I pick up the leather-bound book and carefully dust off the sand. I walk towards the waves. It is dark, and there isn’t much of a moon tonight. But soon, I can feel the coolness of the water lapping up my bare feet. I proceed further, until my ankles are in the water. I shiver a little; the water is cold.
I gently place the book on the water.
"Sweet dreams, Kei,” I whisper.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home