memories 5
17 February 1998
I had a missed call today. I was cutting a customer’s hair, so I left my phone in the drawer. After that, I checked my phone and saw that I had a missed call. Amazingly, it’s him. I called him back immediately.
He thanked me for the chocolates, and asked if I were free on Saturday, if I were interested in Japanese food. He’s cooking. Of course I said yes.
I can hardly believe it.
**
After my lessons, I took a walk along Neumarkt. I needed to clear my head a little, and to get over the disappointment of yesterday.
But at 6, half an hour before the planned meeting time, I had a rush of blood to my head. A sudden thought occurred to me. Maybe if I were to go there, she would turn up. As to why she never replied, maybe there was no particular reason, or maybe she just doesn’t have the habit of doing so. So many possible reasons; perhaps the reason was redundant.
Anyhow, I made my way to the cinema. I reached at 18:25. She was there.
We watched the movie, and had dinner together. I never asked her why she didn’t reply. It was no longer necessary.
We stopped at the same stop. I wanted to see her home, but she rejected my offer. Reluctantly, we parted at the station.
“Hey!” she suddenly called out.
I turned around. Her eyes were twinkling again. “Today isn’t any day you know.”
“Uh huh.”
“So are you in love with me?”
“Kimi ga…suki desu.”
She smiled and turned, waving as she skipped away.
**
21 February 1998
Had dinner at Kazuki’s. Omu-rice. Rice in an omelette. He made two different versions, one with ketchup, the other with curry sauce, which was spicier. He’s a really good cook. We drank rice wine as well, and chatted. Along the way, he taught me a bit of Japanese here and there, while I corrected his German. The little details.
You know, we could have talked on forever.
**
A few of my classmates asked me to join them for lunch. I was all right with it. They decided to go to the Musikhochschule, because it was cheaper there. When I heard the name of the place, I clarified to make sure I had heard it correctly. As it turned out, Kae’s school isn’t that far away from my school.
I trailed behind my classmates, lost in my own world.
“This is the place,” my classmate said.
To be honest, it wasn’t very impressive. Certainly not what I had in mind, considering that it’s a conservatory. It just wasn’t the kind of place where I would feel inspired in.
Anyhow, we got our food and found space for us. I scanned the crowd of students, hoping to see a familiar face- that face. No luck.
As we were eating, a group of girls came up the stairs to the tables, chatting loudly. My attention was immediately diverted to them. Kae. Kae with her violin case slung over her shoulder. She caught me looking and looked surprised, then shook her head in mock disapproval. I could only smile and wave. She was shaking her head as she followed her friends to another table on the opposite end.
We soon finished our meal and prepared to make our move. After returning our trays, my friends went to the toilet as I waited for them. I peered into one of the performance halls.
Suddenly, Kae’s face appeared beside my reflection.
“What are you looking at?”
I tapped on the glass.
“Me?”
Somehow, I had tapped on her reflection. I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Anyway, this is for you,” she said, handing me a card.
“What is it?”
“Performance. Come if you have time. Bye bye,” She turned and left.
The students were holding a performance, a concert, whatever you call it.
Two weeks from now.
**
12 March 1998
We have been seeing each other a lot recently. Tea at his place, dinner at mine, dinner at his, out drinking, at this museum and that, walking along the Rhine, strolling through the Old Town… a lot, a lot of time spent together, yet never seemed to be enough.
I feel something. Something special.
Yet I am afraid. I am unsure. I wonder if I am thinking too much.
This doubt, this uncertainty, is like a poison, slowly spreading through you, paralysing you.
**
I went back to the café where Kae was working. But her colleague told me she wasn’t around. In fact, she wouldn’t be coming in for the next two weeks.
Made sense; she had to be busy preparing for the performance.
I left the cafe, not knowing what to feel.
**
14 March 1998
We took a slow walk along the Rhine, a nice romantic stroll, and then dinner on the bank. He asked if I would be his girlfriend.
And so, on White Day, we are officially together.
**
I got a bouquet of flowers for Kae.
I didn’t really know her tastes, so the florist tried to help me by asking questions about her.
What did she like, her favourite colours, her character...
I realised I knew so little about her. Anyhow, I went to her concert with the flowers.
The concert was held in the very same hall I was looking at. Many people were there, probably family and friends. There was a fixed seating arrangement, so I squeezed my way through with many an apology to get to my seat, right in the centre of the hall, beside a guy. He scrutinized me as I took my seat.
The concert was overall a success. My favourite part was, needless to say, Kae’s performance. I fell in love with the sound of the violin immediately. Kae’s violin told a story. I didn’t really know the piece she played, but it was simply beautiful. Melodious, melancholic, magnificent.
After the concert had ended, the participants met up with the guests outside the hall, receiving hugs, wishes, and flowers. I found Kae amidst the throng of people and handed her the flowers, complimenting her performance.
After that, we started seeing each other regularly.
Our relationship, however, existed in the grey realm. At times, we were like lovers. At times, we were like friends. There was a lot of uncertainty. But I knew I was in love with her.
Totally.
**
4 July 1998
Germany lost 3-0 to Croatia in Lyon, and thus was eliminated from the World Cup.
I haven’t written in a while, because I was spending most of my time working and with him. Sometimes, I don’t even come home, but stayed over at his house. I left things over there as well. Funny, because it is only just across the street.
It hasn’t been all sunshine. I know that is hard to accept, because at the start, everything was going so well, we were so happy, so blissful. But I guess they are right when they say that not every day is sunny; there are rainy days as well. That is when you know you are really in a relationship. A couple that doesn’t quarrel isn’t a couple.
But aren’t we quarrelling too much? I know it is my fault too, but I am always too proud to say.
Like today, we argued over something very silly. I am too embarrassed to put it down, lest I read this 10 years later and laugh at myself. I stomped off and boarded the first U-Bahn that came along. He rushed in, sat in the other half of the carriage, directly opposite me. The people started to stream in, blocking our views of each other. But he kept trying to attract my attention, making silly faces and all.
I just had had to laugh.
Looking back, I was being too silly.
Kazu, I am sorry for all these. I am sorry that you always have to cheer me up, you always say sorry even when I am the one at fault. I am sorry for being so immature.
I am sorry that I don’t even have the guts to say this to you straight.
**
25 July 1998
Celebrated my birthday yesterday. I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t want to leave him. So I stayed over at his place.
**
I found a job at a Japanese restaurant. German lessons in the morning, work from afternoon to night. Things weren’t easy, but at least I was beginning to get the hang of things.
**
24 December 1999
Prague is really beautiful. It is the perfect setting to celebrate his birthday. We had a very nice dinner, and then took a long stroll around the town. Everything is so pretty.
I wish we could be like this forever.
I pray to God.
**
14 March 1999
One year anniversary.
I think I am the luckiest girl in this world.
Sometimes I wonder, what have I done, how could a person like me, deserve someone like him?
**
Kae and I had lunch together at her school. After that, we took a walk and passed by a violin shop. Kae stopped at the display window and peered in. Then she pushed open the door and entered.
“Hallo!” she greeted the elderly man behind the counter.
He pushed his glasses up the rim of his nose and smiled as he recognised her, “Hallo, Kae. Don’t worry, it hasn’t been sold yet.”
“Good, good. But I am not really worried, because you promised to sell it only to me, didn’t you?”
“Yes, yes. I will keep my word.”
“Great. Can I take a look at it?”
“Sure. You know where it is.”
I followed Kae to a row of violins. She pointed it out. “Pretty, isn’t it? Stradivarius. But it costs 100,000 Euros. I think I will never be able to afford it in this lifetime.”
She paused, “Even though he says he will only sell it to me, I doubt he would, even if I had the money. It is his treasure.”
I checked my bank account, which included the lifetime savings I had brought over from Tokyo.
Barely 5000 Euros.
**
24 July 1999
Happy Birthday to me! Celebrated it with Kazu, of course. We had sukiyaki at his place, and then he sang me a birthday song in Japanese, German and English.
Then, I asked him to sing me a Japanese song. His favourite song.
He told me it’s Takashi Sorimachi’s Forever.
The lyrics- I won’t really understand. But it was really very nice.
I don’t know what kind of feeling I would be having the next time I hear this song.
**
15 October 1999
I don’t know what’s wrong with you. But you have grown quiet all of a sudden. These few days. I know you usually don’t speak much anyway, but this is really unlike you.
Why don’t you tell me what is wrong?
**
17 October 1999
I can’t talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk.
**
I hadn’t heard from Kae in a while, so I decided to look her up, in case she was ill.
Even though we had gotten close, she never once allowed me to see her home, or even invited me to her place. Nevertheless, she did told me her address, but told me not to come, because she wouldn’t be around most of the time.
Map in hand, with her street circled, I set off to find her house. I found her street without much difficulty. Her house number was 8. I turned my head to look at the number on the house behind me. 3. Number 8 was on the opposite side.
Then, a door opened, and a guy stepped out. A head appeared at the doorway.
Kae.
They kissed, and he walked towards me. I ducked behind a tree but looked again. It was Kae, no doubt about it. She disappeared and the door closed.
I crushed the map in my hand, and threw it into a rubbish bun on my way.
I guess there was no longer any reason for us to meet anymore.
Some time after that, I received a SMS from Kae, telling me that she wanted to cool things off a little. She wanted us to give ourselves a break, to spend some time away from each other.
A breakup?
How could it be, when nothing’s ever happened, no words were ever said?
**
20 October 1999
He told me he was going back to Japan in November, or maybe December.
His work was finishing, and he needed to go back to Japan.
‘Can’t you stay?’ I asked him.
He said that he really needed to go back, and that there was no reason for him to stay on.
Am I not a good enough reason for you to stay then?
I had a missed call today. I was cutting a customer’s hair, so I left my phone in the drawer. After that, I checked my phone and saw that I had a missed call. Amazingly, it’s him. I called him back immediately.
He thanked me for the chocolates, and asked if I were free on Saturday, if I were interested in Japanese food. He’s cooking. Of course I said yes.
I can hardly believe it.
**
After my lessons, I took a walk along Neumarkt. I needed to clear my head a little, and to get over the disappointment of yesterday.
But at 6, half an hour before the planned meeting time, I had a rush of blood to my head. A sudden thought occurred to me. Maybe if I were to go there, she would turn up. As to why she never replied, maybe there was no particular reason, or maybe she just doesn’t have the habit of doing so. So many possible reasons; perhaps the reason was redundant.
Anyhow, I made my way to the cinema. I reached at 18:25. She was there.
We watched the movie, and had dinner together. I never asked her why she didn’t reply. It was no longer necessary.
We stopped at the same stop. I wanted to see her home, but she rejected my offer. Reluctantly, we parted at the station.
“Hey!” she suddenly called out.
I turned around. Her eyes were twinkling again. “Today isn’t any day you know.”
“Uh huh.”
“So are you in love with me?”
“Kimi ga…suki desu.”
She smiled and turned, waving as she skipped away.
**
21 February 1998
Had dinner at Kazuki’s. Omu-rice. Rice in an omelette. He made two different versions, one with ketchup, the other with curry sauce, which was spicier. He’s a really good cook. We drank rice wine as well, and chatted. Along the way, he taught me a bit of Japanese here and there, while I corrected his German. The little details.
You know, we could have talked on forever.
**
A few of my classmates asked me to join them for lunch. I was all right with it. They decided to go to the Musikhochschule, because it was cheaper there. When I heard the name of the place, I clarified to make sure I had heard it correctly. As it turned out, Kae’s school isn’t that far away from my school.
I trailed behind my classmates, lost in my own world.
“This is the place,” my classmate said.
To be honest, it wasn’t very impressive. Certainly not what I had in mind, considering that it’s a conservatory. It just wasn’t the kind of place where I would feel inspired in.
Anyhow, we got our food and found space for us. I scanned the crowd of students, hoping to see a familiar face- that face. No luck.
As we were eating, a group of girls came up the stairs to the tables, chatting loudly. My attention was immediately diverted to them. Kae. Kae with her violin case slung over her shoulder. She caught me looking and looked surprised, then shook her head in mock disapproval. I could only smile and wave. She was shaking her head as she followed her friends to another table on the opposite end.
We soon finished our meal and prepared to make our move. After returning our trays, my friends went to the toilet as I waited for them. I peered into one of the performance halls.
Suddenly, Kae’s face appeared beside my reflection.
“What are you looking at?”
I tapped on the glass.
“Me?”
Somehow, I had tapped on her reflection. I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Anyway, this is for you,” she said, handing me a card.
“What is it?”
“Performance. Come if you have time. Bye bye,” She turned and left.
The students were holding a performance, a concert, whatever you call it.
Two weeks from now.
**
12 March 1998
We have been seeing each other a lot recently. Tea at his place, dinner at mine, dinner at his, out drinking, at this museum and that, walking along the Rhine, strolling through the Old Town… a lot, a lot of time spent together, yet never seemed to be enough.
I feel something. Something special.
Yet I am afraid. I am unsure. I wonder if I am thinking too much.
This doubt, this uncertainty, is like a poison, slowly spreading through you, paralysing you.
**
I went back to the café where Kae was working. But her colleague told me she wasn’t around. In fact, she wouldn’t be coming in for the next two weeks.
Made sense; she had to be busy preparing for the performance.
I left the cafe, not knowing what to feel.
**
14 March 1998
We took a slow walk along the Rhine, a nice romantic stroll, and then dinner on the bank. He asked if I would be his girlfriend.
And so, on White Day, we are officially together.
**
I got a bouquet of flowers for Kae.
I didn’t really know her tastes, so the florist tried to help me by asking questions about her.
What did she like, her favourite colours, her character...
I realised I knew so little about her. Anyhow, I went to her concert with the flowers.
The concert was held in the very same hall I was looking at. Many people were there, probably family and friends. There was a fixed seating arrangement, so I squeezed my way through with many an apology to get to my seat, right in the centre of the hall, beside a guy. He scrutinized me as I took my seat.
The concert was overall a success. My favourite part was, needless to say, Kae’s performance. I fell in love with the sound of the violin immediately. Kae’s violin told a story. I didn’t really know the piece she played, but it was simply beautiful. Melodious, melancholic, magnificent.
After the concert had ended, the participants met up with the guests outside the hall, receiving hugs, wishes, and flowers. I found Kae amidst the throng of people and handed her the flowers, complimenting her performance.
After that, we started seeing each other regularly.
Our relationship, however, existed in the grey realm. At times, we were like lovers. At times, we were like friends. There was a lot of uncertainty. But I knew I was in love with her.
Totally.
**
4 July 1998
Germany lost 3-0 to Croatia in Lyon, and thus was eliminated from the World Cup.
I haven’t written in a while, because I was spending most of my time working and with him. Sometimes, I don’t even come home, but stayed over at his house. I left things over there as well. Funny, because it is only just across the street.
It hasn’t been all sunshine. I know that is hard to accept, because at the start, everything was going so well, we were so happy, so blissful. But I guess they are right when they say that not every day is sunny; there are rainy days as well. That is when you know you are really in a relationship. A couple that doesn’t quarrel isn’t a couple.
But aren’t we quarrelling too much? I know it is my fault too, but I am always too proud to say.
Like today, we argued over something very silly. I am too embarrassed to put it down, lest I read this 10 years later and laugh at myself. I stomped off and boarded the first U-Bahn that came along. He rushed in, sat in the other half of the carriage, directly opposite me. The people started to stream in, blocking our views of each other. But he kept trying to attract my attention, making silly faces and all.
I just had had to laugh.
Looking back, I was being too silly.
Kazu, I am sorry for all these. I am sorry that you always have to cheer me up, you always say sorry even when I am the one at fault. I am sorry for being so immature.
I am sorry that I don’t even have the guts to say this to you straight.
**
25 July 1998
Celebrated my birthday yesterday. I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t want to leave him. So I stayed over at his place.
**
I found a job at a Japanese restaurant. German lessons in the morning, work from afternoon to night. Things weren’t easy, but at least I was beginning to get the hang of things.
**
24 December 1999
Prague is really beautiful. It is the perfect setting to celebrate his birthday. We had a very nice dinner, and then took a long stroll around the town. Everything is so pretty.
I wish we could be like this forever.
I pray to God.
**
14 March 1999
One year anniversary.
I think I am the luckiest girl in this world.
Sometimes I wonder, what have I done, how could a person like me, deserve someone like him?
**
Kae and I had lunch together at her school. After that, we took a walk and passed by a violin shop. Kae stopped at the display window and peered in. Then she pushed open the door and entered.
“Hallo!” she greeted the elderly man behind the counter.
He pushed his glasses up the rim of his nose and smiled as he recognised her, “Hallo, Kae. Don’t worry, it hasn’t been sold yet.”
“Good, good. But I am not really worried, because you promised to sell it only to me, didn’t you?”
“Yes, yes. I will keep my word.”
“Great. Can I take a look at it?”
“Sure. You know where it is.”
I followed Kae to a row of violins. She pointed it out. “Pretty, isn’t it? Stradivarius. But it costs 100,000 Euros. I think I will never be able to afford it in this lifetime.”
She paused, “Even though he says he will only sell it to me, I doubt he would, even if I had the money. It is his treasure.”
I checked my bank account, which included the lifetime savings I had brought over from Tokyo.
Barely 5000 Euros.
**
24 July 1999
Happy Birthday to me! Celebrated it with Kazu, of course. We had sukiyaki at his place, and then he sang me a birthday song in Japanese, German and English.
Then, I asked him to sing me a Japanese song. His favourite song.
He told me it’s Takashi Sorimachi’s Forever.
The lyrics- I won’t really understand. But it was really very nice.
I don’t know what kind of feeling I would be having the next time I hear this song.
**
15 October 1999
I don’t know what’s wrong with you. But you have grown quiet all of a sudden. These few days. I know you usually don’t speak much anyway, but this is really unlike you.
Why don’t you tell me what is wrong?
**
17 October 1999
I can’t talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk.
**
I hadn’t heard from Kae in a while, so I decided to look her up, in case she was ill.
Even though we had gotten close, she never once allowed me to see her home, or even invited me to her place. Nevertheless, she did told me her address, but told me not to come, because she wouldn’t be around most of the time.
Map in hand, with her street circled, I set off to find her house. I found her street without much difficulty. Her house number was 8. I turned my head to look at the number on the house behind me. 3. Number 8 was on the opposite side.
Then, a door opened, and a guy stepped out. A head appeared at the doorway.
Kae.
They kissed, and he walked towards me. I ducked behind a tree but looked again. It was Kae, no doubt about it. She disappeared and the door closed.
I crushed the map in my hand, and threw it into a rubbish bun on my way.
I guess there was no longer any reason for us to meet anymore.
Some time after that, I received a SMS from Kae, telling me that she wanted to cool things off a little. She wanted us to give ourselves a break, to spend some time away from each other.
A breakup?
How could it be, when nothing’s ever happened, no words were ever said?
**
20 October 1999
He told me he was going back to Japan in November, or maybe December.
His work was finishing, and he needed to go back to Japan.
‘Can’t you stay?’ I asked him.
He said that he really needed to go back, and that there was no reason for him to stay on.
Am I not a good enough reason for you to stay then?
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