i wrote this on 30th December 2005. Might be abit lag in putting it here.
The Past Two Years
They say two years is a long time. Looking back, two years have just flashed by. Maybe it isn’t such a long time after all. It is the 30th today, a Friday. When the weekend is over, I know this chapter is closed for good. We can never go back to this time again. So, I want to put down in words my thoughts about the past two years, and my thoughts towards the future.
The 10 most significant things
1. 28/12/2005- NP Camp 2005
Basically what happened was that we got invited back for the campfire. The 24th Batch NCO Council. I guess you can say that it’s our last meaningful campfire in that the next time we go back to the unit, we probably won’t know anybody. And you know you are getting old when the current NCOs were your Sec1 cadets when you were back in Sec 4. We are all moving on, and it’s nice to be back once in a while, even though the school has changed so much. So has the unit.
What stood out for me on this day was what we did immediately after the campfire. Heng Qing, Wen Kai, Samuel, Kenneth, Loke, Yi Jun, Poh Shin, Edwin and me. We stood in a circle, hands on our hearts and sang the school song, followed by the unit cheer. I don’t know what the rest of us were thinking, but for me, I knew immense pride was surging in me. After that, I realized that the people around us were standing and looking at us. My first reaction was to mentally challenge the C.Is of the other schools in Area 4: Can you feel it? Looking back, I realized that what was more important was for those juniors whom we do not even know to see it, see the pride, see what CHSNPCC means to us. Or they would just slip into obscurity, having only seen mediocrity, never superiority. That, is how much we have declined. What the 9 of us did was to put some pride back into our unit. In the not that distant past, we were the kings in Area 4. Others look at us in awe. Not anymore, after we left. We were the last of that proud tradition. We need to have that arrogance again. The right to have that arrogance.
After that, it was Ghost Walk. We walked around the school and realized that it was potentially scarier than before, with all the statues around. It was largely uneventful, thank God, and we retreated to the Staff Lounge, where we lounged around and helped ourselves to the coffee-maker. We waited for PS and Loke to join us for supper. YJ felt feverish and slept. Before supper though, we talked to the Chairman. In every way, he is the unwilling Chairman. Someone who can play, but doesn’t want to. I asked him what does NP mean to him. He told me: something that is ongoing. Only that? Only that? There is something special in him, no doubt about it. He told me that sometimes he is convinced by himself. I told him: sometimes is not enough; it has to be all the time. I don’t know him at all. It was the first time I saw him anyway. But my parting shot was: Be the man they say you were going to be.
After that was supper and we went back at around 4. While the rest slept, WK, Edwin and I used TM sir’s laptop to check EPL scores and look at MVs. Then I went to lie down a while and fell asleep. Then at don’t know what time, I guess it was around 6, some cadet got into the lounge and was asking WK what to do as the NCOs hadn’t woken up yet, were nowhere to be found and that it was time for PT. I jumped up immediately, but realized that I wasn’t an NCO anymore and went back to sleep for a while more.
After that, I learnt that Edwin and Wen Kai had taken them for PT and scolded the NCOs. And I was heartened by it. Because each of us still cares, in our own way, even though we have all left the unit.
There was a serious discussion before and during supper, with regard to our decline. I know as a squad, we are too good to be true. We are near perfect. So maybe we cannot be used as comparison. But that was never my intention. In fact, I have always felt that while we were good, we were only good in that we were clearly better than the rest, but compared to our predecessors, we were still lacking. I felt that the squads after us have changed in their manner of upbringing. Times have changed, and that is the root cause of our decline. In that respect, there was nothing more we could have done. So, maybe we should stop being so harsh with ourselves.
I guess when we look back, we would smile.
2. Orange Days
It couldn’t be more apt that one of the dramas I watched in the closing days of the year, of my JC life( I consider it to end only on 31st December) should be one along a similar line. Orange Days spurred me to look back on the past two years, as the days slip by.
“We will be entering society as adults. We may still meet now and then to drink, but we would all be busy with our own stuff.”
And Sae was messaging Kai about her complaints. To every message, his reply was a simple “yeah”. Then she asked: Do you only know how to say that? His reply was: I don’t know what to say, but I am listening. I find it very useful.
3. Advent Children
I didn’t watch many movies in 2005. This is the best of them, even though it might be an animated film. What stood out for me was Cloud’s emotional battle. Refer to the very first entry in the blog. Kotae wa kaze no naka( the answer is in the wind) is also very useful.
4. My Family
I know I am not the most filial of sons. I regret that. But I am thankful for my family’s support through everything I seek out to do. Relative to other people, my parents are less rigid and strict. I really appreciate that, although of course, they can be even less so. But just as we can never be fast enough; we can always be faster, it is not really relevant. And I am thankful that my grandmother’s house is like a sanctuary where I can recuperate.
5. My friends
Kwan said: in your life, nobody’s relationship with you will remain constant, at the same status throughout. How true. I am thankful to my friends who have been there, and I hope I have been a good friend. I tried to be. And even though towards the end I like to say that it doesn’t matter, that I am jaded, I know it won’t turn out like that. Just like NP. I will still care. Even if Kwan’s prophecy comes true.
6. My Idealism
Even though towards the end, I keep harping on flexibility and how I want to change the way I do things (which don’t seem to have the desired effect and contribute to my jadedness), both of which reeking of pragmatism, I am still an Idealist at heart. There are just some things which I will not give up on. My idealism has kept me going. This is how the world should be.
7. Ms Ho
Thank you. I am sorry.
8.Soccer and Running
They helped to keep me sane, as always. And you know most of my analogies have got to do with soccer anyway.
9. My MP3 Player and my discman, before it got stolen.
Without them, I don’t think I could have survived walks, bus and MRT rides. Even if it means shutting myself to the world.
10. Germany Trip
I think it opened my world. Some dreams should never end.
11 things I wish for/ want to tell myself for the year 2006
1.No more frills in securing the scholarship: results ok, sat ok (best is don’t need to take), come out of army unscathed, everything ok.
2.You have to think. Think more and keep thinking. Be the thinking player.
3.Never lose sight of your ideals, at least those that are still meaningful.
4.Learn to love again. The past two years, I haven’t gotten to love something afresh. What I love are all that I have been loving all this while. I need to learn how to start to love something again.
5.Holland to win the World Cup. Ajax, Arsenal and Valencia to dominate the game again.
6.Treasure what I already have more.
7.Information is still King.
8.Keep your temper under check. Anger clouds judgement.
9.Do not forget the teachings of the Book of Five Rings. Bide your time, when the enemy’s rhythm wavers, charge in whole-heartedly with spirit, and victory is yours.
10. Even something with a probability of 0.000000000000001 of happening can happen.
11.Never expose your weakness.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
The Past Two Years
They say two years is a long time. Looking back, two years have just flashed by. Maybe it isn’t such a long time after all. It is the 30th today, a Friday. When the weekend is over, I know this chapter is closed for good. We can never go back to this time again. So, I want to put down in words my thoughts about the past two years, and my thoughts towards the future.
The 10 most significant things
1. 28/12/2005- NP Camp 2005
Basically what happened was that we got invited back for the campfire. The 24th Batch NCO Council. I guess you can say that it’s our last meaningful campfire in that the next time we go back to the unit, we probably won’t know anybody. And you know you are getting old when the current NCOs were your Sec1 cadets when you were back in Sec 4. We are all moving on, and it’s nice to be back once in a while, even though the school has changed so much. So has the unit.
What stood out for me on this day was what we did immediately after the campfire. Heng Qing, Wen Kai, Samuel, Kenneth, Loke, Yi Jun, Poh Shin, Edwin and me. We stood in a circle, hands on our hearts and sang the school song, followed by the unit cheer. I don’t know what the rest of us were thinking, but for me, I knew immense pride was surging in me. After that, I realized that the people around us were standing and looking at us. My first reaction was to mentally challenge the C.Is of the other schools in Area 4: Can you feel it? Looking back, I realized that what was more important was for those juniors whom we do not even know to see it, see the pride, see what CHSNPCC means to us. Or they would just slip into obscurity, having only seen mediocrity, never superiority. That, is how much we have declined. What the 9 of us did was to put some pride back into our unit. In the not that distant past, we were the kings in Area 4. Others look at us in awe. Not anymore, after we left. We were the last of that proud tradition. We need to have that arrogance again. The right to have that arrogance.
After that, it was Ghost Walk. We walked around the school and realized that it was potentially scarier than before, with all the statues around. It was largely uneventful, thank God, and we retreated to the Staff Lounge, where we lounged around and helped ourselves to the coffee-maker. We waited for PS and Loke to join us for supper. YJ felt feverish and slept. Before supper though, we talked to the Chairman. In every way, he is the unwilling Chairman. Someone who can play, but doesn’t want to. I asked him what does NP mean to him. He told me: something that is ongoing. Only that? Only that? There is something special in him, no doubt about it. He told me that sometimes he is convinced by himself. I told him: sometimes is not enough; it has to be all the time. I don’t know him at all. It was the first time I saw him anyway. But my parting shot was: Be the man they say you were going to be.
After that was supper and we went back at around 4. While the rest slept, WK, Edwin and I used TM sir’s laptop to check EPL scores and look at MVs. Then I went to lie down a while and fell asleep. Then at don’t know what time, I guess it was around 6, some cadet got into the lounge and was asking WK what to do as the NCOs hadn’t woken up yet, were nowhere to be found and that it was time for PT. I jumped up immediately, but realized that I wasn’t an NCO anymore and went back to sleep for a while more.
After that, I learnt that Edwin and Wen Kai had taken them for PT and scolded the NCOs. And I was heartened by it. Because each of us still cares, in our own way, even though we have all left the unit.
There was a serious discussion before and during supper, with regard to our decline. I know as a squad, we are too good to be true. We are near perfect. So maybe we cannot be used as comparison. But that was never my intention. In fact, I have always felt that while we were good, we were only good in that we were clearly better than the rest, but compared to our predecessors, we were still lacking. I felt that the squads after us have changed in their manner of upbringing. Times have changed, and that is the root cause of our decline. In that respect, there was nothing more we could have done. So, maybe we should stop being so harsh with ourselves.
I guess when we look back, we would smile.
2. Orange Days
It couldn’t be more apt that one of the dramas I watched in the closing days of the year, of my JC life( I consider it to end only on 31st December) should be one along a similar line. Orange Days spurred me to look back on the past two years, as the days slip by.
“We will be entering society as adults. We may still meet now and then to drink, but we would all be busy with our own stuff.”
And Sae was messaging Kai about her complaints. To every message, his reply was a simple “yeah”. Then she asked: Do you only know how to say that? His reply was: I don’t know what to say, but I am listening. I find it very useful.
3. Advent Children
I didn’t watch many movies in 2005. This is the best of them, even though it might be an animated film. What stood out for me was Cloud’s emotional battle. Refer to the very first entry in the blog. Kotae wa kaze no naka( the answer is in the wind) is also very useful.
4. My Family
I know I am not the most filial of sons. I regret that. But I am thankful for my family’s support through everything I seek out to do. Relative to other people, my parents are less rigid and strict. I really appreciate that, although of course, they can be even less so. But just as we can never be fast enough; we can always be faster, it is not really relevant. And I am thankful that my grandmother’s house is like a sanctuary where I can recuperate.
5. My friends
Kwan said: in your life, nobody’s relationship with you will remain constant, at the same status throughout. How true. I am thankful to my friends who have been there, and I hope I have been a good friend. I tried to be. And even though towards the end I like to say that it doesn’t matter, that I am jaded, I know it won’t turn out like that. Just like NP. I will still care. Even if Kwan’s prophecy comes true.
6. My Idealism
Even though towards the end, I keep harping on flexibility and how I want to change the way I do things (which don’t seem to have the desired effect and contribute to my jadedness), both of which reeking of pragmatism, I am still an Idealist at heart. There are just some things which I will not give up on. My idealism has kept me going. This is how the world should be.
7. Ms Ho
Thank you. I am sorry.
8.Soccer and Running
They helped to keep me sane, as always. And you know most of my analogies have got to do with soccer anyway.
9. My MP3 Player and my discman, before it got stolen.
Without them, I don’t think I could have survived walks, bus and MRT rides. Even if it means shutting myself to the world.
10. Germany Trip
I think it opened my world. Some dreams should never end.
11 things I wish for/ want to tell myself for the year 2006
1.No more frills in securing the scholarship: results ok, sat ok (best is don’t need to take), come out of army unscathed, everything ok.
2.You have to think. Think more and keep thinking. Be the thinking player.
3.Never lose sight of your ideals, at least those that are still meaningful.
4.Learn to love again. The past two years, I haven’t gotten to love something afresh. What I love are all that I have been loving all this while. I need to learn how to start to love something again.
5.Holland to win the World Cup. Ajax, Arsenal and Valencia to dominate the game again.
6.Treasure what I already have more.
7.Information is still King.
8.Keep your temper under check. Anger clouds judgement.
9.Do not forget the teachings of the Book of Five Rings. Bide your time, when the enemy’s rhythm wavers, charge in whole-heartedly with spirit, and victory is yours.
10. Even something with a probability of 0.000000000000001 of happening can happen.
11.Never expose your weakness.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
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