a beautiful mistake

I was moving out of my apartment. I was packing books into boxes, when while pulling out a particular book, another book fell onto the floor. I bent down and picked it up, carefully wiping the dust off. There was no title; it was one of my old journals. But from which year it was, I couldn’t remember anymore. I flipped through it and a photo slipped out.

I bent down and picked it up. It was a photo of me with a girl, whose arms were around my neck. A girl with brown hair in a hairstyle I couldn’t quite describe- there were elements of a bun, plaits…it was indescribable. Only be seeing for yourself can you visualize it. But looking at her, one thing’s for sure: she’s special.

There are some people in this world who are special; they just have this aura about them. They are the ones who will walk into a room, be it a party or a library, and everyone will just stop and stare. Even while being among others, minding their own business, you could spot them right away. She’s such a person.

Only, I couldn’t remember her name. Or to be more exact, I couldn’t remember who she was, where and when we had taken the photo.

I settled down by the window, and began flipping through the old journal, in a bid to unlock the mystery as to who she was.

17 March 2004
I moved into my room in Diennik proper today. Matjas, whom I had met when I came to view the room, opened the door and showed me to my room. The door was ajar, and sitting on the floor by the bed was a girl, while a meter away from her stood a guy by the window. They both smiled as they saw me, and the girl lowered the bottle of water she was holding.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but we were just finished with some last minute cleaning-up of your room.”

And she smiled again.

The guy helped her up and they walked towards us. Anneka and Pioter, the other two housemates who weren’t present when I came the other time.

I unpacked a little and we had dinner together. The others cooked; it was sort of a welcome dinner for me. They are really nice people.

Anneka is a very special girl. You just need to spend a little time around her to confirm that.

18 March 2004
I found out from Matjas today that Anneka and Pioter are together. Well, to be more precise, I confirmed it. It was rather obvious, actually.
Bad news? Of course I am disappointed. Hopefully, studies will be able to distract me. After all, I certainly don’t want to break them up. Not as if I have the capability, anyway.

27 March 2004
Had a farewell dinner for Pioter. He is moving to Japan for a semester on exchange. We had a Flenien dinner. Interestingly, both Pioter and Matjas come from Mereven. But Anneka comes from Flenie. Flenien food is very good, a lot of seafood. I didn’t quite catch the names of the dishes, but the meal was superb.

I could also tell that Anneka is sad that Pioter is going away for a while.

28 March 2004
So I came back to find Pioter gone. Because of my lessons, I couldn’t go to see him off. Matjas didn’t go either.

3 April 2004
Anneka is on the phone. As she has been every evening so far. It’s about midnight over there, so the time difference isn’t as bad.

Matjas is out, so it feels as though I am alone in the house.

7 May 2004
As I was coming home, I heard sobbing from Anneka’s room. She was on the phone and when she saw me, she slammed her door shut.

A quarrel? Long-distance is hardly easy.

20 May 2004
Anneka has been very quiet recently. She would be standing quietly in the kitchen, stirring her coffee absent-mindedly, staring into space, dazed. Her eyes, swollen from crying, were filled with sadness and vulnerability.

It affects me a lot to see her like this.

25 May 2004
I asked Anneka casually how things were. She managed a smile and nodded, before locking herself in her room again.

27 May 2004
I can’t believe it, but Anneka actually agreed to go to the party with me. I thought it could perhaps distract her from things or even cheer her up a bit. Of course I have to admit that I was really apprehensive about asking her, because I was quite sure she would turn me down.

‘No’ is the most dreaded word in any language.

Thankfully, I was spared that trauma.

29 May 2004
11 in the morning, and I am finally awake.

The party yesterday was crazy, not least because of what happened. Anneka and I met up with my friends and we had a lot of fun. About midway through, Janina started taking photographs and when she called to Anneka and me, Anneka simply put her arms around my neck. I was totally but pleasantly surprised.

Even though I knew she was drunk.

At the end of it all, I took her back home in a cab. I tucked her into bed, and she looked really sweet, all curled up. The picture of her sleeping would always stay in my memory.

10 June 2004
I know it is wrong to be seeing Anneka. It is like taking advantage of the situation. But I can’t help it. I am just sinking deeper and deeper. And it doesn’t help that Anneka herself isn’t putting a stop to it. I have no right to try to push the blame to her, not when I am taking advantage of her vulnerability.

I talked to Janina about it when she met me to pass me the photos. She laughed and said that in love, all is fair and square.
I wanted to agree with her, but I feel uneasy.

15 June 2004
I feel like a thief.

I am happy, don’t get me wrong. But I feel like a thief.

I am glad that Matjas is at his girlfriend’s house much of the time.

17 July 2004
Had dinner with Anneka at this great Italian place at Boccinaga. Come to think of it, this is the first time I am really in the Lower Town, the Flenien part of Diennik. Our apartment and university are both in the Upper Town, and there’s basically everything there as well, so there wasn’t really a need to cross the river, not when the rivalry still persists.

I told Anneka that she has to show me her part of town, and she readily agreed.

20 July 2004
Anneka brought me around Flenie today. We went around the Old Town and walked along the Diennik, this time on the Flenien bank, right up to the river mouth. Along the way, Anneka told me stories about Flenie.

For the first time, I realized how much Flenie means to her.

I asked her then, why did she choose to study at the Technological University of Diennik. She smiled and I realized later on why she had smiled. The answer was so obvious: her course Chemistry is only offered there. The university in Flenie offers the non-science courses. It was an arrangement from the time when the two cities first merged.

Even though I have been living here for a while, I don’t feel as though I know Diennik well. Not after today.

7 August 2004
Just came back from a fishing trip with Anneka. We went out on one of those fishing ships. Anneka’s uncle is a fisherman. We stayed up all night to watch the crew do their job, reeling in the nets bulging with freshly-caught fish. Anneka watched, totally enthralled. Her uncle told me that when Anneka was younger, she often begged to be allowed to go with him on his fishing ship. I could very well picture the young Anneka watching in awe.

Breakfast was a very sumptuous traditional Flenien meal of very fresh fish onboard. Anneka’s uncle skillfully prepared it. Very simple, very fresh, very delicious.

Time to catch up on some sleep.

14 August 2004
Anneka is growing quieter again.

Matjas is around the house more often.

18 August 2004
I have been ignoring it, praying that it would somehow go away.

And for a while, it certainly seemed as though it did.

But it hadn’t.

It is coming back to haunt me.

19 August 2004
Anneka’s growing silence; Matja’s growing presence.

My wonderful illusion is slowly falling apart.

20 August 2004
The dreaded moment finally came. Anneka talked to me.

She thanked me for being there for her. But it was a mistake right from the start.
She said she was sorry, but she never loved me.

My first thought was to scream at her. How could she say that? How could she brush aside everything that has happened simply with that?

I didn’t say anything for a long time, because I was trying to grasp the reality of things. At last, I managed a smile and said I had always seen her as just a friend, and that I was glad she’s all right now.

To tell the truth, I am amazed I actually got that out.

She smiled, and thanked me for my understanding before leaving me alone in the kitchen.

Her smile wasn’t her usual radiant smile, but that of a troubled one.

21 August 2004
Things are getting awkward now.

I can’t live in this place anymore. Especially not with Pioter coming back.

26 August 2004
Janina agreed to let me bunk in with her till I find another accommodation. It solves just about everything. She lives in Mikan, which is in the opposite direction from here.

But I can’t stay with her forever, so I need to find another place soon.

As far away as possible.

But yet, not in Flenie.

So that leaves Saroken and Mikan as the only possibilities, because I can’t live that far away from the uni.

27 August 2004
I told Matjas I was moving out.

He simply nodded.

29 August 2004
Matjas came to my room while I was packing my stuff. He stood at the doorway and looked as though he wanted to say something. But he didn’t.

30 August 2004
As I moved out of the apartment, Matjas saw me to the door and even helped with my luggage. As I got into the cab, he told me, “I am sorry it turned out like this.”

I understand, I told him.

“Take care, and see you around in school” were his parting words.

**
“A beer,” I told Katrin the waitress.

“How’s packing?” Katrin asked as she placed the bottle in front of me.

“So-so,” I shrugged.

“Everything ok?” she asked with a tinge of concern.

“Unpleasant memories I have forgotten,” I said, taking a sip.

“But you remember.”

“I was reminded.”

“Tell me about it.”

I told her everything, including how I had tried to avoid the three of them in the university, which wasn’t very difficult because we were taking different courses and in different semesters in the first place.

“It was all a mistake,” I concluded, gulping down the last bit of my beer and handing the bottle to her. “Another one.”

She took the empty bottle and handed another to me, nodding, “A mistake indeed. But the mistake lay in how you all tried to resolve the matter.”

“What would you have done, then?”

“I don’t know. I am glad I am not being placed in such a situation.”

She leaned back, in thought. “Maybe it was a mistake. But it was a beautiful mistake, no? A summer fling, but I am sure those were wonderful memories…hey, what are you trying to forget?”