if a team can be that shattered by one refereeing decision, maybe they are not that fantastic after all.

talking about decisions that go against you, do people ever realise that over the past few seasons, we were the team that have been shortchanged most? we wallowed in our self pity and got nothing out of it.

i don't know if the team has learnt, but i have.

so scolari can go ahead and complain, as he has complained about his squad injuries and lack of strikers. these are problems we face too, and there is no point comparing. it is like two people without an arm each and comparing who is worse off- where the hell is the sense in that? but scolari can wallow in his own self-pity and pretend that it was all the referee's fault. i won't mind that at all.

but for the record, do think about why ivanovic was still on the pitch.

my self-imposed exile from football lasted all of a week.

on the very last day of november, i realise that football is still like the best lover i have ever had.

credit and respect are not the same.

maybe all this while we have just been showing a particular someone 'face'. whether we are doing that someone good is highly dubious.

those who keep silent are as guilty as the actual perpetrators.

war

fighting on many fronts makes things interesting without expending extra resources. rather, i would say it is efficient resource utilisation- you don't waste a single unit. but given a choice, i would rather fight on one front.

nevertheless, it looks like i will end up with nothing.

no, i am not being punished for being so to say greedy. i don't have a say in some matters. as it turns out, this is very significant and is the single reason why i have chosen such a strategy. i have to defend myself first.

would things have turned out differently if i had chosen to fight on one front? the answer is a clear no, for 2 reasons. one, as i mentioned, some things are out of my control. second, if god is out against you, you have no chance at all.

as it stands, i am not even sure my strategy is able to protect myself.

it is certainly not encouraging to watch your troops take a walloping at each front, one after another.

once again, i am looking at nothingness again, back to square one, back to the drawing board.

but rather than give up just like that, it is most important to stay in the game and play on.

you have to be willing to walk away from the things that have made you great- scott d anthony

winner

when god is on your side, you can only win.

when god gives you a second chance, you have got to take it.

fortune favours the brave.

i feel like a winner.

having talked so much about winning, about doing something to improve your own circumstance, about getting up and fighting, i can only say that i feel vindicated.

and that feeling is damn shiok.

i was thinking just last week if i am too soft on myself. satisfied with a little progress. always thinking: step by step, bit by bit. it's like being satisfied with a 1-1 draw when you have created enough to win 2-1.

now i know i am going for 5-1 wins.

i am inspired, and i hope you who are reading this will feel inspired too. come on, get up and fight!

my grand christmas plan may be disintegrating, but i will go down fighting. right until the last moment, you don't know who is going to win.

i think i will stay off football for a while.

your team is down 1-0 in the final. with 20 seconds remaining, you get the ball about 5 metres into the opposition half. your teammates are unable to support you in attack. between you and the goal are a goalkeeper and 3 defenders, with players rapidly backtracking.

what will you do?

**

contrary to popular belief, small teams have to take the game to the big teams. if you just sit back and defend, you are just asking for it. go on, take the game to them.

after all, fc cluj defeated roma.

and who knows, maybe they can beat chelsea too. they have already held chelsea to a draw before.

i can't carry you on my shoulders anymore. maybe i could, but i don't want to.

i must do what i have to, even if it may cause misunderstandings. i owe it to myself to make the necessary changes. it is like as cryuff had explained: i can't go to the baker and say 'i am johann cryuff, give me some bread.'

**
i lost a winger. but a DM has risen to the occasion, grown into the game. and i got myself a striker who may be unproven, but definitely has the potential to create some magic.
**

in the meantime, god has also given me a second chance.

there are after all good english players too.

and finally, the best way not to oversleep is not to sleep at all.

it has been a crazy 30 hours. and there is still part 2 to come.

three wise men

three men were in a bar. one was perched on the high stool, frequently dipping his hand into a bowl of candies. another was swirling his glass of wine. and the third was sipping a cocktail. each was lamenting his own state of affairs. all were at a loss as to what to do next.

boku dake no madonna

watching boku dake no madonna, i realise that the setting is very murakami-esque and that the characters seem as though they step right out of a murakami book themselves.

despite this, despite the great theme song(sea of love by southern all stars), despite kyoko hasegawa's style, despite all the good food on display, i think as a drama it is just that bit too slow. i know what they are trying to do with the mood, atmosphere and all, but it was still slow. as a book, as a movie, it would have been just nice.

last thoughts for the weekend

you have been too happy, too comfortable living in your own illusion, accepting your mediocrity and blaming everyone but yourselves for your failures. every single one of you hasnt had the guts to step up and take the responsibility, to assume the leadership that was needed. everyone was waiting for someone else to win it for him.

when things surprisingly went our way, everyone was fighting to grab the mike to talk, to boast. when things go wrong, everyone starts blaming everyone, starts talking about the lack of ambition.

now you can either choose to wallow in self-pity, wallow in your defeat or get up and fight and prove everyone and yourselves wrong that you are nothing but losers.

whoever is thinking about leaving now doesnt give a damn about this team, because what this team needs now is continuity. if at the end of every season, someone is going to leave, the next season will always be spent adapting to the change. there will be no end to it. there will be none of the dynasty that is being hoped for.

and if you think signing big names will be the panacea, think about it: then you are just asking for your own exit. because if you want a winner to come in and win it for you, that means you have to make way for him. and if he does win it for the team, maybe you won't be a part of that team anymore, because maybe you would have left, simply in order to play.

so now with internationals here again, maybe it is the perfect opportunity to take this time away from london to serious reflect and maybe get this drilled in your heads: it is time to take responsibility for yourself and only you yourself can win the game.

away from london, i just watched the il derby capitolino. it's a derby in every sense of the word. emotion, action, red cards. only goals were lacking, with baptista's header off a totti cross the only thing that separated the two teams.

towards the end of the game, the roma players were on the sideline, anticipating the final whistle, as though it was a cup final. the relief and joy was palpable, as was the disappointment on the lazio side.

as the whistle blew, the camera zoomed in on the vip box, and people were congratulating an elderly lady. not rosella sensi, but probably her mother, the widow of signor franco sensi.

despite the dismal start to the season, at least, at last roma did do something that would have made him proud.

at the end of the game, the lazio captain rocchi also went to the lazio supporters and threw his shirt to them and applauded them for their support. i thought it was a very nice gesture.

captaincy is a word that often comes up nowadays. and this inevitably led me to remember something:

attitude reflects leadership, captain.

from remember the titans.

anyway i think if you want to be captain of a team, you don't talk about your future playing elsewhere. you focus on the present, you focus on your team and your fans. you get your team behind your fans and you get your fans behind your team. the people who matter more should be the fans and not the media. you don't need to convince the media; you convince your fans.

and de rossi would be a good signing. but why would he come? he is born and bred in rome, he is next in line to be roma captain after totti retires, and most importantly, why would he want to join a team of losers at best begging for someone to save them from their mediocrity, at worst happily living with their mediocrity?

i asked for 20 back-to-back wins. it seems as if even 2 would be too much.

sure you can question villa's sportsmanship, that referee's decision, but who is the one who lost the game?

if i were a player, the last thing i want to see would be fans leaving the stadium before the game is over.

but how could you blame them?

you can't point the finger at them and accuse them of not being behind the team. they are. but human beings don't like pain. they are just trying to lessen their own pain. and for those who have gone through so many seasons of pain, you have to cut them some slack; they owe it to themselves to lessen that pain.

in fact, they should be applauded for their courage to walk away, to face up to the fact that it was too painful, rather than numbly sit through the whole game.

i do wonder what is going through arsene wenger's mind. i think if i were him, i would be very sad. i would feel like giving up, handing in my resignation, because i believed in my players and this is what they give me.

but the first thing i would do would be to impose a ban on the players talking to the media.

the door is open to anyone who wants to leave this sinking ship.

and i don't know what to say, except that you have only proven me right when i say you are losers.

and in more ways than one, the great week did come to a staggering halt.

what i love about the game is the way you have to think through the million possibilities that can happen. it is a thinking game. it is challenging because while you are on the field, involved in the game, you have to simultaneously work out so many things in your head, to make the decisions and reactions.

of course even when you think through the million possibilities, it is entirely plausible that the million-and-oneth occur.

and it is also entirely plausible that this scenario basically means nothing happens.

when you play, you have to be prepared to lose. even if you are only in the business of winning with style.

The floodlights, crowds of 60000, opponents of the highest quality: the biggest stage. Are you up for it? Are you going to play, are you going to win?
**
Opponents aren’t there to make your job easier.

Teammates are there to make your job easier.

you may have played well on your debut. but was that your best? could you have scored a hattrick? could you have been the one who got a hattrick on his debut?

when the ball comes to you, you have to use it.

each game is unique.

you know what is even more insulting? fielding a weakened team and losing. losing so haplessly at that.

why don't you go tell liverpool that they don't respect the competition?

and of course, if i were you, i would be looking for a hole to hide. how embarrassing, to talk so much about winning, about fielding a strong team and losing to burnley, of all teams, and at home, of all places.

maybe that's why you needed to field a strong team.

arsenal 3-0 wigan

i am very amused by what ray wilkins, the assistant at chelsea said. he claimed that us fielding youngsters undermine the value of the carling up.

first of all, i think we respect football more than chelsea ever has.

he forgot that with our youth team, we actually reached the carling cup final and semi-final in the past 2 years. and in the final, our youngsters could hold their heads high against the stars of chelsea.

if he respects the competition, as he claims, then why are chelsea planning to rest lampard and anelka? why don't you field your best team?

there are only two teams in england that have 25 players of the same calibre: chelsea and liverpool. but the standard at chelsea is of course higher. that is why chelsea can play their reserves and yet say they are respecting the competition because they are fielding their best players. there is little difference between anelka and drogba, who has sort of become the 'reserve'.

we don't have reserves who are of the same age and quality as the first team. because our squad is already thin, we have to be realistic.

the fact is that we don't have your oil money to buy 10 players to sit on the bench and play in the carling cup. so we use our youth players. if you look at it closely, most of the players who started yesterday are on the bench for the "normal" games. which is basically what chelsea will be doing themselves.

what chelsea have forgotten is that before man city came along, they were the common enemy in england. they were the team who were seen to have bought their way to success. the by-product is that they have players on the bench who could ahve walked into any first team in england- belletti, ballack, drogba, cole, mikel, ferreira etc. like i say, they have a squad of 25 players of the same quality, almost at least.

that is why i was also amazed that people could gush about the chelsea reserves when they comprehensively demolished boro a while back. those were no reserves. those were players good enough to be first team players elsewhere. it is true, chelsea could field two teams that could compete in england. but what is there to gush about? if the players are expected to be good, they should perform- no surprises.

i think the reason why wilkins talked so much was because he was jealous.

we want to win it, but we want our young players to win it. and they may just have the ability to win it.

naive mistakes were made yesterday. but i saw football that brought a smile back to me, back to everyone who was watching. it was football back to its roots, football without inhibition, simple, joyous football.

in the 73rd minute, a throughball was just too far for vela. he decelerated, turned back to the passer, grinned and put up a thumbs-up sign.

it is something we have forgotten.

i think we were looking at 3 future legends of arsenal- vela, ramsey and wilshere.

i love watching these 3 play, because they will get the ball, beat their marker and play it. they don't try to do too much. technique, speed, strength, intelligence- they possess all four qualities.

watching them, i sometimes wonder if these youngsters are more likely to score than their seniors, because they seem to have an incisiveness that the seniors lack. and they can and dare to shoot. vela, merida, wilshere, ramsey all had good attempts from long range. even the leftback gibbs. and the attack was free-flowing. you couldnt really tell who was playing on the left or on the right, because they were always swopping positions.

and when jay simpson poked that first goal in, i was wondering if adebayor could ever do something like that. predatory instincts. that was just his second shot and he scored. against a very outstanding kirkland, who probably should have been the man of the match, because of the way he saved wigan so many times despite clearly struggling with some injury.

and vela has this guts about him that van persie has since lost. you look at the four goals he has scored: he is not afraid to go in for a 50-50 ball, get out with the ball and go on to keep his cool to put it into the net.

this guy loves his football.

a team averaging 19 years of age that comprehensively saw off 2 senior teams with football that chelsea would never be able to play without their money- are you trying to kid me when you say we don't respect the competition?

about friends

-right up till the end, janaz and norj didnt realise that anna and franken were no longer together

-Ashes and Wine is a song by a fine frenzy

-what i wanted to do here was to piece together a story with input, perspectives from the respective involved parties. it is abit like the 1974 final, after it was lost, people were asked for their version of events. you can say i was trying to do something like that.

-there are actually many things i am trying to say with it. so much so that i don't really know what they are. words fail me. that i am writing this is because i am trying to express that in words. but the end of the day, i still couldnt express the main things...

-this is a story about friendship...for people who have friends.

after what happened last season, i am cautious about boiling a season down to one single game. nevertheless, this was a very, very big game. it is unfortunate that we have reached a crisis point so early in the season. this game is very big, because while three points don't give us the title, anything less would really have put us out of the title race. the days of overhauling a 12 point lead are over because on a whole, teams are improving, and it is already hard to bank on one team to totally screw up to throw away a 12-point lead(anyway it seems only a charity organisation like us have that ability), much less ask TWO.

so these were 3 massive points. no doubt about it. given the way we have started, our first priority would be to ensure that we are still in it right at the end.

i watched 50 minutes of the game and followed the rest on commentary. heard that it really was a cracking game, especially in the second half. well, these are two top teams after all, not pretenders. while i don't like man united, i do have some respect for them as opponents.

the first goal was sheer luck. but that is what i ahve been saying all this while. go and shoot that damned ball. you miss 100% of the shots you never take. how would you know, if you never try? one thing about nasri is that he dares to take shots- that's why he has scored.

the second goal was a beauty. that off-the-ball run to create that space for nasri was a great run. i thought it was bendtner, but reports suggest it was walcott. if you look at the build-up again, you can really see the man u defence shifting to their right, and at that moment, fabregas shifted the play to their left, completely catching them out.

i read some of teh comments on goal.com. quite funny, really most of the comments. it's not just about the language, but also the way things are expressed, the views that are aired. it makes you wonder if these people know anything at all.

luck or no luck, it was a legitimate goal.

it is not a penalty that came out of nothing.

about the goal conceded, i don't believe you can try to hold the ball for 12 minutes against a team like man u. not with our current form. and not when man u are not dead and buried. the only time you can dominate an opponent liek that, passing triangles around them for 10 minutes is when you are 5-0 up, and they are totally out of the game already. at least we conceded a decent goal, not gave it to them as a present.

what i am happy about the game is that we outfouled man u. the foul by sagna on park, barging into him to stop a counter, was a necessary foul. unnecessary fouls are fouls that you commit when the situation isnt dangerous or when you are pressing the opponent around his box.

and of course, ferguson saying this "Sometimes you have to hold your hands up and say that if you're going to be beaten make sure it is against a team that plays football." is the closest you can get to praise.

but before we get carried away, shut up and remember that we haven't won anything yet.

Friends

Was there ever a group of people whom you feel, if they were standing there with you, you would have nothing to fear, you would be able to step forward bravely to embrace the challenges that come your way?

As I stand here today, as I look back on the past, I realize what a great team we were.

‘Team’ was the term Janaz came up with. Coming from him, it was no surprise. But perhaps I should start from the beginning.

There were five of us: the smart Norj, the football-mad Janaz, the ‘mother’ Mirjam, the Flenien Annemarie and me, Franken.

How we met was very simple: we all lived in Siziling, and attended the same schools. Anna and I grew up together, because we were next-door neighbours. Norj, Janaz and I were classmates, while Anna and Mirjam were in the other class. At first, I would either hang out with the guys or with Anna. But Janaz had a crush on Mirjam and told me to do something about it. Basically, that meant getting Anna’s help. Anna was however, not close to her. Anna has always been the loner; perhaps it has something to do with her background. Anyway, I didn’t know how I did it, but I convinced Anna to invite Mirjam for an outing to the beach.

The best part about Siziling is that we have both the mountains and the sea. Even though we are in the Mereven part of Diennken, we actually get the best of both worlds. Of course, that doesn’t diminish our Mereven identity in any way.

So the beach outing was how it all started. I have forgotten how it went, but it must have gone well, or we wouldn’t have stuck together.

The days back then were carefree.

Then the exams came; it was time to start thinking about where we want to go from there.

Norj, as always, knew what he wanted- engineering at the Technological University. Mirjam wanted to be a teacher and Anna wanted to study journalism. Their choices would take both of them to Flenie, to the other university in the city. Janaz had by then secured a professional contract with the team of his life- Gottingen, ‘the sons of the Gods’, the football team of the Mereven side of Diennken.

As for me, I decided to take a year off. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted, so I thought I would make some money first, and maybe find something that I would want to do for the rest of my life.

That was what I thought.

And so, we graduated. At that time, I felt that even though we were going in different directions, even though we were going to be apart, as long as we were to have each other in our hearts, we would have the strength to overcome any obstacle.

We met up for dinner every Friday. And on weekends, we would follow Gottingen’s games- at the stadium for home games and at our favorite pub Ashes and Wine for away games. Janaz had actually made it to the senior team, but was mostly on the bench. Nevertheless, we were always excited when the camera zoomed in on the bench, or better still, if he were brought on. Number 22, that was his number.

The first year went like this. Even though work was tiring, I always looked forward to Friday and the weekend, because there was always so much to talk to each other about. It was basically just like our school days- only compressed to those 3 days of the week.

Those were good times.

They just didn’t last.
**
I step out of the cab and immediately see Franken amidst the crowd. I make my way towards him.

“Hi, it’s been a long time,” he says when he sees me.

It has indeed been a long time. Three years, to be exact.

“These three years…how have you been?” he asks.

“I got posted back last year. I asked for a transfer back and it was granted. I am sorry I didn’t tell you.”

Franken’s face is a mixture of shock and hurt.

I can perfectly understand. But I know he would perfectly understand my rationale for my action. We know each other too well; after all, we grew up together.

Growing up, I didn’t have many friends. Franken was my first and best friend. We moved to Siziling when I was four. My mother had left us. We used to live at Zagradin, which was by the river, but on the Mereven side. But after what had happened, my father wanted to get as far away as he could, and what better than to go over to the other side of the hills? At that time, I didn’t understand a lot of things. Like why my mother was never coming back. Like why we were moving. But I followed. We moved into a house right by the beach. My father had to work, so he often left me in the care of Franken’s family. The beach behind our homes was our playground.

We started school. And that was when I realized I was different from other kids- my mother is Flenien. People were always going to talk- where is Annemarie’s mother? She left her family just like that? You can’t trust a Flenien. Some of the other kids began to avoid me. I did wonder why and asked my father if I was different from them. He frowned and I told him everything, including the things I had been hearing. He listened quietly and went with me to school the next day, to talk to my teacher. After that, my teacher talked to the class about respect. The thing about your parent going to the school to complain is that it doesn’t really work, because the other kids will start thinking that you have no guts.

And so it was, that Franken remained my only real friend until I met Norj, Mirjam and Janaz. One day, Franken came to me for a favor- get to know Mirjam and ask her to join us for an outing to the beach. It wasn’t difficult, because Mirjam was probably the nicest girl in the whole school. She was kind, sympathetic, caring- all the nice attributes could have been used to describe her. I wasn’t surprised at all that she wanted to be a teacher. In my opinion, she would make a great teacher- better than any of the ones I have had.

So I went up to her at lunch and told her my friend Franken was interested in her but was too shy to talk to her, so I was helping him out. She blushed and was quite stumped, but finally agreed. It wasn’t a practical joke on my part; I did thought that Franken was interested- why else would he want to invite her? Even when Norj and Janaz showed up, I thought it was because he didn’t want to be stuck with two girls.

Later on, I would realize that I had gotten it all wrong. Towards the end of our school days, Janaz and Mirjam finally got together.

It was an unlikely pair. Janaz was hot-headed, while Mirjam was rational. Janaz was flamboyant, while Mirjam was down-to-earth. They were complete opposites.

I suppose opposites do attract, but the question is: how long will the attraction last?

After graduating, we went to pursue our dreams. That meant moving out of Siziling. I found an apartment in Nieszka with Mirjam.

Going back to Flenie, to my mother’s side of the city, I felt as though I suddenly knew her. The truth is that I don’t remember much about my mother, other than the few photos my father kept; I was simply too young back then. In Flenie, I felt like a part of me that had been lying dormant had suddenly come alive.

The days in the university flew by quickly. At first, we met up regularly. As time went by, however, due to various reasons, this would prove to be a routine that was difficult, if not unrealistic, to maintain.

Of the five of us, the one most disappointed by this development was Franken. Mirjam and Janaz had each other; I often had the whole apartment to myself. Norj has always been very focused- in a way, he was like the monks- meditating up in the hills. As for me, I have always been alone. Due to my childhood, I have never been dependent on anybody. You can even say I am detached.

But Franken has always been the type who needs someone there. During our university days, he suffered a lot. He was the one drifting, while we go on with our lives.

But he was there, as he had always been, when I needed someone most. I got posted to Tokyo, to be part of the news team in Asia. At about that time, Mirjam and Janaz had broken up. Things were going really badly for Mirjam, and it really seemed like the wrong time to go away, for many reasons. But I discussed it with Franken, and we decided that I shouldn’t pass up on the chance.

I also wanted to prove that it could work.

But it didn’t.

After a year in Tokyo, we broke up. We were together for 2 years.
**
I step out to take a breather, having been busy all morning with the preparations. As I light my cigarette, I see Franken and Anna talking.

Apart from breaking the news to them, I haven’t talked to them in ages. Not since breaking up with Anna.

I have always liked Anna, because she is the kind of girl who is independent. But I always felt that the feelings I had for her were fleeting, immature- part of growing up. That was why I never acted, because I ‘only move when I am absolutely sure’, as Janaz would have said.

It was only midway through my engineering degree that I became ‘absolutely sure.’ It was also about that time that the five of us as a group started drifting apart. By then, Janaz had made it to the first team of the Gottingen, and was become a hero in Mereven. We were all busy with our own stuff, so it was inevitable that we would meet up less and less.

Anyhow, I started asking Anna out and before long, we got together.

Then, we graduated. An opportunity came up for me to pursue my Masters in America. It was too good an opportunity to pass up, so I accepted it without discussing with Anna. It came too suddenly for her. She was shocked and hurt, that I had made my decision without even discussing with her. That is the way I have always functioned.
Looking back, I could understand why Anna was so hurt. It wasn’t easy for her to trust people, given all that she had gone through. And I had betrayed her trust.
We had a big fight, and didn’t see each other for a few days.

During those few days, I thought hard again. I felt that even if we get over this, the distance was too great a hurdle. I didn’t really believe that a long-distance relationship could work.

So, we broke up before I left. We went back to our previous selves, our previous lives- two people who didn’t really need other people.

While in America, I heard from other friends that Anna and Franken had gotten together. I was surprised that I was affected by it, as in, I wasn’t too happy to hear about that. I couldn’t really explain why. But looking back, I guess it was only natural that they get together, because they understand each other so well. In fact, while I was with Anna, I felt that even though I saw her often, even though I was with her more often than she was with Franken, Franken knew her better. Better than I ever would.

But at that time, I felt it was impossible, because they were best friends. To me, a guy and a girl are best friends only because at some point in time, there was interest on at least one side. And because things didn’t develop for some reason or another, they become best friends instead, and that stage is irreversible. Franken liking Anna was entirely plausible, even during school days. So that meant that Anna must have not reciprocated, and that was why they became best friends.

Knowing Anna, she is someone who doesn’t change her mind easily.

I was that affected by that development to spend a few days thinking through it. But finally, I got my act together, resumed my studies and came back with my Master’s.
Coming back, however, I didn’t contact Anna or Franken. By then, Janaz had moved to England following his big-money transfer. While I was away in America, a lot more had happened than Anna and Franken getting together.

Janaz had become a real star, and was living the life he had always dreamt of: football, fame, wealth, fast cars, women. He had gained a notorious reputation on Diennken’s party circuit. I met up with Mirjam when I returned. She told me she didn’t know him anymore.

She broke down. As I tried awkwardly to comfort her, I was cursing Janaz for breaking her heart.

“Team, we are a team!” Janaz had said with a goofy grin as he went to each of us seated gloomily around the table. “Come on, heads up!”

We had graduated from high school, about to embark on the new chapters of our lives.

Team, Janaz, what happened to your team?
**
It is about to begin. I stand to one side, trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. From my position, I see Anna and Franken. I scan the crowd for Norj, but to no avail. Perhaps he is taking a breather. From what I know, he has been helping out.

Norj has always been like that. He doesn’t say a lot, but what he says always makes sense. He is the most dependable person I know; totally the opposite of Janaz.

When Janaz and I first got together, I knew that the others were uncertain. I knew the reasons for their uncertainty- we were fundamentally different people. But I was really happy with him. The days with him, at least the happier ones in the beginning, were always fun and exciting. With Janaz, you never know what is going to happen next. Sometimes, I do find it hard to keep up with his pace, because he is always so energetic.

We were together for four years. From the time he was just starting out in the reserves to becoming the star player on the team. From the time I would be straining to catch him on the bench, cheering madly when he was told to warm up to the time when he would point at me, dedicating another goal to me. From the time we planned our future together to the time I was no longer in his future.

Happy times, sad times, we went through everything.

Towards the end, we broke up and patched up a few times. But at the end, we both decided that enough was enough.

Actually, he decided that. But I accepted it, because there was nothing more I could have done.

Then, he moved to England. I followed his career through the newspapers- despite all that he had done off the field, on the field, he was a god to the Mereven side of Diennken. And he was establishing himself as a hero in England too.

Things were going very well for him. I was happy for him. At that time, Norj was in America, while Anna and Franken were happy together. In contrast, all that had happened had taken a toll on my teacher’s training, and I was forced to take a year off. My life was a wreck. It seemed as though I was the loser among the five of us.

Then, things started to go wrong for Janaz. He was hit by recurrent injuries and never found his form again. Frustration set in, and the tabloids went into overdrive. Just as the media could elevate you to godhood, they too could banish you to the depths of hell. I read as the media, English and Diennken alike, tore him to shreds with the stories of his alcohol problems, his notorious nightlife, his fitness problems, his fallout with his club, his numbered days in England. He switched clubs a few times, but things didn’t change for the better. In two years, he went from hero to zero.

I thought a lot about contacting him, because I still love him a lot. I had finally got my life back on track, and I wanted to be there for him. But I was afraid, because I know what sort of person he is, how proud he is. I wanted to help him, but I didn’t know how to.

Then, he moved back to Diennken. By then, no club wanted him. Not even his old club would take him out of pity and old time’s sake. I was really worried for him.

Then, I received a call from Norj. Norj told me that Janaz had gotten in touch with him, and that he would help Janaz as much as he could. Hearing that, I was relieved. Norj would be of more help to Janaz than me.

So, Norj would update me on Janaz’s situation. Janaz was working as a salesman selling sport equipment. In his spare time, he was helping out with coaching kids. He would eventually try to get a coaching license so that he could get back to football. Hearing Norj’s updates, I would be heartened. Although it was such a stark contrast to his previous lifestyle, I was sure that with Norj’s help, he would be able to get back on his feet quickly enough.

Norj told me, however, that Janaz had told him to keep things a secret from me. So I wasn’t supposed to know. That was why Norj never told me exactly where Janaz was working or coaching.

Give him some time…when he is ready to meet you, I will arrange it, Norj had promised me.
**
“This is a letter that Janaz left behind.

To my dear friends, Norj, Anna, Franken... and Mirjam.

Franken, I hear from Norj that you and Anna are together. So, you finally made your move, didn’t you? I always knew that you like her. Give her happiness, ok? She’s a great girl, even though she’s Flenien. But the nationality isn’t important! If you are good, you are good and you play. Anyway, Franken, it’s ok to have confidence in yourself. You need to be more confident, more decisive. Aggression! Seize the opportunity! If you have to go alone, you go alone! And you have to think more for yourself! That's what I have always wanted to tell you. It’s good to finally say it now, before I forget.

Anna, thank you for getting Mirjam out that day. Even though it was so long ago, I could still remember it vividly. We went to the beach, swam in the cool blue sea, then lay in the sun, talking about what we want to do when we graduate from high school. After that, we went for ice cream and dinner at that grill restaurant. It cost a bomb for us poor high school students back then. But the food was great, wasn’t it? The food was great, the company was great… I am sorry. I know you can’t forgive people for leaving just like that. You don’t have to forgive me.

Norj, thank you for being there for me. You have always been the reliable Norj I know. When I came back, I knew I could turn to you. Thank you for everything. It’s all my fault, really. All the jobs you found for me…the problem was me. I was still the old me that came to you a year ago…that wreck. Anyway, thank you for keeping it from Mirjam. I must have disappointed you a lot. I gave up on myself even though you never gave up on me. But I thought about it as carefully as you would have: there is no way I could have carried on.

Mirjam…Mum…seems like I really blew it, didn’t I? I had everything, but I threw it all away. I paid the price for it. I am sorry I got Norj to lie to you… but I just couldn’t face you like this, not in this state. There are a lot of things I want to say to you. Like how I am so happy to see you teach at our old school, handling those little kids. You looked really happy. You finally realized that dream, didn’t you? I am glad I didn’t ruin it… You know, after all these years, you are the only one I have ever loved. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

We are a team; we always will be.

Your Janaz.”
**
“Mirjam. Listen, Mirjam. The police called. Janaz…he drove his car off the highway leading to the stadium. He didn’t survive.”