Saturday, June 30, 2007

death note

death note is over. all 37 episodes.

i always knew that when death note is over, something would also soon be over, thereby signalling that i am 50 percent out of hell.

so the ending of death note is a landmark.

but that isn't the only reason why i had looked forward to it. i wanted to know what happens in the end.

and so i knew.

it has been a good tale. i miss L.

Friday, June 29, 2007

fm 2007

the biggest loss from my com is fm 2007. i don't think i will play it again, for 2 reasons.

1) the new season is starting soon, which also means that fm2008 should be in the making.

2) after playing as arsenal, i can only play as arsenal. and for me to have to start from scratch...i think it is too much for me. i can't go back to that point.

so before i lay it to rest, here was my team, never to be completed.

gk: arenas, lehmann

df: pique, gallas, djourou, clichy, zaccardo, eboue, felipe, gonzalo rodrigues

mf: fabregas, raul garcia, denilson, diaby, gilberto silva, camacho

attackers: rosicky, hleb, guardado, walcott, henry, van persie, reyes, bendtner, adebayor, vela, benavente, okaka

i wanted to sign: pazzini, de rossi, sahin, moutinho, dessena, cerrajero, aguero, alexandre, micah richards
while i witnessed two moments of brilliance this morning and had a good time in the evening, my day could be said to have been marred by the breakdown of the com, which i must admit, i can't live without.

the first moment was the fifth goal of paraguay. i dunno who curled that killer pass, but it was a hell of a pass, right through 3 defenders to that striker lurking to their right. the second was that riquelme freekick, when he delightfully chipped it into the box. it just shows that when he is on form, he is one of the best playmaker there is.

i got the com settled, all within one day. i know i am impatient by nature. and i know it feels accelerated, but i have no other choice.

because seriously, i only live for 3 days a week most of the time. friday, saturday, sunday. for the rest of the days, unless i am somehow out of hell, i feel like a corpse. a walking dead. that is how i would describe my existence, if even the word 'existence' can be used to describe that state.

so i can't afford to waste time. i can't spend those days as a corpse wondering if things would be all right. i just cannot.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

korean

i think i must have spent too much time away from korean stuff. how else could i explain why there seem to be a sudden surge in nice korean songs that i keep stumbling upon?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yehjgCAxzG8

younha's i cry (again).

sarang hae geu mahl joh chah doh hahl soo uhp neun nae mahm
ah jeek nahn uh ree dah goh geu juh kkoh mah roh mahn nahl
saeng gahk hah nee kka

i just love the way she sings kkoh mah roh mahn. and when she talks at the start of the performance. it just flows so smoothly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VURxvxOkrnY
nell's good night. just like the feel of the song.

but younha is really something.

if i aint got you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYMohUKJ1LE

she does quite a few covers of eng songs. and she has a jap album, as well as a korean one of course. what i like most about that korean album, other than the song [kkoh mah, i cry] is the title: a perfect day to say i love you.

and she isn't yet 20. another wonderkid.

some thoughts

it is always hard to balance the public and the private.

to accomodate or not to. to show up at functions or not to. i think it is a dilemma that will always surface. having to spend time outside work with the people at work, when you are trying to have more time for your life outside work. to show face, or not to? to build closer working relationships or not to?

i think we often feel obliged.

but i also think one has to learn to say no. for his own sake.

another thing i realise is that sometimes it is really better to do things alone: things get done more efficiently that way. moreover, people often do not know what you really want. so in order to achieve what you really want, you might have to accomodate others, and this results in delay or inconvenience. which isn't always pleasant, nor desired.

one last thing. if someone treats you in a certain manner, would you smile and let it go, or would you do the same to him the next time round? of course ideally, we would choose the former. but because we aren't ideal people, there is always the temptation to choose the latter. especially since maybe that would be the best way to protect yourself.

but in the first place, why do people treat people in that manner?

i am beginning to suspect that man is inherently flawed. that man is selfish and greedy.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

potential signings

finally, arsenal are starting to be involved in the transfer season.

i think obafemi martins would be a good choice. carlos tevez as well, because they have the techincal ability, as well as power, which was what baptista was supposed to provide.

anelka would most resemble henry. but of course, everyone remembers the acrimonious split 8 years ago. if he does come back, it could be interesting. imagine, the return of the prodigal son.

of course, the most mouthwatering prospect would be fernando torres. i would want to include villa, but i dun want him to go anywhere. i think i would be ok if huntelaar leaves ajax for arsenal.

anyway, apart from the attack, aquilani would be a good signing, i believe. another attacker to give hleb and rosicky some cover.

i read that arsenal are interested in gianni zuiverloon. he is supposed to be a sort of a cultured full-back. that would be exciting. i like the word cultured.

we can only wait and see what happens next.

the fall

i must admit, albert camus' the fall is one of the most impactful books i have ever read. as i read, i was formulating my impression of it, trying to summarise it in a concise, yet elegant manner.

yet, camus beat me to it. just as i thought i had it, he wrote: with all that i construct a portrait which is the image of all and of no one. A mask, in short, rather like those carnival masks which are both life-like and stylised so that they make people say: 'why, surely i have met him!'. when the portrait is finished, as it is this evening, i show it with great sorrow: 'this, alas, is what i am!'. the prosecutor's charge is finished. But at the same time, the portrait i hold out to my contemporaries becomes a mirror.

that, in fact, is the essence of this book. through the monologue of jean-baptiste clemence, camus showed bits of himself and the people around him in clemence. and bits of yourself. and it is painful to read, because at every page, he exposes the flaws of man. the truth always hurts, i suppose.

but i must admit camus was always one step ahead. he had me totally under control. and it all culminated in that portion above.

that is why i think camus is a genius, the fall is a work of genius. unlike sartre, i can say that aloud.

Monday, June 25, 2007

i cry

younha's i cry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By5vapRY8AU

somehow when i saw the first part of the clip, when they intro the song and younha, i can't help but think of the past. 5, 6 years ago. when movies like il mare, songs like waiting first caught my eye and ear.

and also almost instinctively, i wonder what it would be like to walk on the streets of seoul. because i have done so in tokyo and taipei. so i wonder.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

VIF

Venprek Internacio Flehavaar, 14 September 2007, 11:52 p.m.

Arriving back in Venprek, I can’t help but think that the airport is both the happiest and saddest place in the world. Happiest, because I see the people around me, locked in embraces, which must be the happiest in the world. Because people who belong to one another are finally reunited, however long their separation might have been. Saddest, because just a floor above, people are locked in embraces which must be the saddest in the world. Because people who belong to one another are being separated, however long they might have been together.

If the airport were a person, what turmoil must her heart go through each day?

As soon as I step out of the airport, I realize one thing. In spite of global warming, the weather here is still starting to turn cool at this time of the year. Just like for as long as I remember.

And I begin to hope that it is really possible to leave a place for two years and come back to find that nothing has changed, as though everything has been frozen for storage.

But I know that’s impossible.

You have changed. I don’t know you anymore.

smiles

i love smiles. dazzling smiles, melancholic smiles, sweet smiles. all sorts of smiles. but one particular kind of smile stands out.

the stylish kind of smile. actually it comes in two forms. one is the kind of 'are u trying to kid me' smile.

the other is the 'yes, you know it' kind of smile. you smile like that because you know something people just realise. examples would include the mika one at mssl, when she sang glam sky acoustic, and horan when she sang lover boy. the 'i don't know why when' part. and also at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB6nb-rYMQs

i still think alex and horan are damn cool in this performance. showmanship.

champions, again.

so, the class of 2007 has repeated the feat of 2006. U21 european champions. despite having a team of lesser talent. we blitzed serbia 4-1. and i think it was a very good scoreline, although i didnt really expect it, considering that they were saying serbia were very strong, and we weren't as good as last year's team. but i think 4-1 tells you alot about this team.

amidst the euphoria, i can't help but wonder, which amongst them would be the next superstar, a la van basten, gullit, bergkamp etc? maybe maduro and babel. what of the others? drenthe? vlaar? bakkal? rigters? de ridder?

we might have won it. but it does not say that we have the most promising youngsters in europe. just that the team we sent was hardworking, organised, and tactically sound. but maybe there aren't really any outstanding individuals.

which is sad, because it shows we don't really have a wonderkid.

today

personally, today is quite a disaster, while for the team, it is quite a success.

never really got going. for three reasons. one, a sudden mysterious condition. two, a sudden loss in confidence, three the lost feeling. i would say reason three was the most significant factor, although how much one and two contributed to it is a good question. quite a bit, i think.

i say it is disappointing because i had looked forward to it. so much excitement, so much expectation. and so much disappointment. it is never fun to watch from outside, be it literally or metaphorically. like how everyone does well and you don't. it makes you question your existence. your role. and regarding your role, maybe the easy answer to the identity problem- a free role, isn't quite the best answer. it can make things worse, especially when things don't go your way.

so next week is very important, because questions must be answered. questions which should have been answered today. unfinished business.

that's why i am even more sian about next saturday. i think it is a freaking waste of time. especially now that you suddenly realise the significance of it.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

replay

i watched the arsenal-man u game. they showed it again. this time, there was so much less tension watching it, because you already know the result. you knew you were going to win.

and that is a very nice feeling.

i thought we played well. the first bit of the game belonged to man u, but we imposed ourselves on the game after that. 60-40 to us, perhaps. and i just like the way clichy plays. so dependable. they say he is going to be the best french left back. i jsut can't wonder why abidal and evra are ahead of him in the les bleus.

and i love it when the stadium simply erupted when van persie slammed the ball into the roof of the net. and of course, it happened again when henry's header went into the net. it gives you the thrill of scoring goals, when so many people celebrate it with you.

that's the beauty, the magic.
here, i fell in love with you.

taboo and expectations

i broke a taboo last weekend. or was it the one before tt. i can't be sure. but i played fm using my team. it's a taboo for me because i never put my teams in games, which broadly includes gambling. meaning: i never bet on my own team, and i dun use my own team in fm, fifa, wadeva.

but i broke it. maybe because i am frustrated with all the stuff we are bogged down with. i want to win with it. i want to show, in any way possible, that it could be done. and should be done. i can't accept not winning. not with this team.

i only know expectations after we won that double in 97/98. the expectation of winning. and since that invincible season, there can be no turning back.

henry

some fairy tales end early. my feelings towards thierry henry is that of ambivalence. whenever i thought he was too inconsistent, he would score crucial goals and turn in match-winning performances. but one thing is for sure. i would have liked him to retire at arsenal.

but i guess he didnt want it. not enough, at least.

this season was poor, like he says. but he was not there.

was there too much reliance, too much blind faith in youth? maybe. but look at it. gallas probably made more fluffed clearances than djourou. and lehmann played like he was 17. to me, the so-called experienced players were disappointing. especially in defence, because we conceded goals in injury time, and goals we shouldn't have. and when you look at it, they were probably more the fault of the central defence and goalkeeper. of the fullbacks, who were young, i would only say eboue was immature. not clichy. in midfield, hleb and rosicky arent exactly young. but they didnt really deliver. maybe rosicky abit more. but hleb was largely disappointing. diaby was immature at times, and maybe denilson isnt as steady yet. for every young player whom you can fault, there is another experienced player whom you can criticise. so how can you say the team didnt perform because it was too young? the older players were making mistakes as well. it would be unfair to push it all to the youth. the strikeforce, save for van persie, was just not good enough, so it is not about whether the forwards were too young or what. i just dun believe adebayor will ever be as good as henry. the argument that the youngsters let the team down is quatsch.

i think it is disappointing, this whole henry saga. he hasn't looked at the big picture. of course the politics in the boardroom might have played a part. it ought to be settled quickly. but it just shows that his loyalty is not to the club, but to who's in charge. and disappointingly, not even to wenger. unless wenger was the one who urged him to leave, under the table.

but anyway, there were fond memories, although for now, henry will become another legend at the club. but he will also belong to the past. and like i say for the valencia team, there is no place for that team of the past.

with the conclusion of the la liga, the real transfer season has started. more nervous times ahead. but i think as long as villa, silva and fabregas stay, things should be ok.

and martins would be a good addition. we need someone to deliver the power that baptista failed to.

Friday, June 22, 2007

sarcasm

i suppose i have found out where sarcasm was derived from.

a mixture of helplessness and indifference, with a tinge of silent indignation.

you are angry with what you see. you don't like it. but you wear a smile and let it get on with it. because maybe nothing you do can change it. because maybe it doesn't matter to you as much anymore. because maybe you want to distance yourself from it.

but in spite of all that, you can't help but be sarcastic about it.

it is a very powerful tool, this sarcasm. you need to be sharp to pick it out.

i am starting to like it as well.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

walk with you

memories flood back when you are alone on a chilly night, out on the streets.

of course the picture would be more picturesque if you were on a street in somewhere like tokyo, munich, prague or barcelona.

but memories do come back.

i would like to walk with you.

walk with you.

once more.

walk with you once more.
we were in love
with you
lover boy
that man that woman
uh juh myun (dilemma)

symphonie
perfekte welle
denkmal
leiser sein
geile zeit

i believe in you
girlfriend
should i stay
i am with you
bad day

任性
珊瑚海

小情歌
祝我生日快乐

konna ni chikaku de
i believe
i love you
itsuka no merry christmas
amaenbo

glamorous sky
precious
endless story
hitoiro
journey

friendlies

friendlies are sometimes said to be meaningless. i guess it depends on how you see it. even when you play a team you know you don't really want to play, it can still have benefits. you may find out something unexpected. and in any case, it is still a good chance to practise. how effective is another matter.

first in almost a year. lacking match practice, surely.

but patience is a virtue, so they say. must be eased back into action. like recovering from a long-term injury, you need to start at the reserves first, then work your way back into the first team, the top level. patience, patience, patience.

just like how i know there is nothing i can do now, but wait for the opportunity to arise. can't be rushed because there are no options. as it is, the only possibility that options will arise is when you move around into space, make runs so that people can spot you and give you the ball.

when you have the ball, then it's your chance to do something.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

mephisto

Klaus Mann's mephisto talks of a man who, for power, fame and glory, turns his back on his wife, his mistress, friends and ideology.

Perhaps Mann meant for us to feel disgust at the man in question, Hendrik Hoefgen. Nevertheless, my sympathy for him outweighted that disgust. To feel disgust for such a man is understandable: he was scheming, manipulative and ruthless- all things immoral and undesirable. But i felt sympathy for him because it would be unfair to write him off simply as that sort of character without examing his fall from grace, as well as the moral conflict within him.

Hoefgen's ascent could be said to have come in three parts: his rise as a provincial actor in Hamburg, his success in the capital Berlin, and finally his appointment to the post of the head of the State Theater. I felt that only towards the end did he completely renounced his friends, in particularly the communist Otto Ulrichs. Ulrichs could be said to be the personification of Hoefgen's conscience: Hoefgen used him to console himself that he was not a lost cause as yet. His somewhat insincere pledge to help with the Revolutionary Theater to advance Communism in the Hamburg days and his use of his own influence to free Ulricsh from prison and then to secure him a job in the State Theater were all in his eyes 'a credit item on the account'. It was only towards the end, when he 'felt himself at the brink of the abyss' as he tried to find out about Ulrich's fate from an angry General that he abandoned Ulrichs. Likewise, that he kept his family by his side all this while could also be said to keep his conscience in check.

This calculative and scheming nature of his could certainly disgust. Yet, it also exposes his true nature: that of someone weak, with an inferiority complex, yet ambitious. One could only feel for him when he spoke to his wife Barbara of his 'memories like little hells into which we must descend from time to time', only to discover that she had none of such experiences.

The contradictory nature of his character led to his fall. In order to achieve all he longed for, which were beyond his means, he needed, like a parasite, others: first Barbara and her father, then the Professor, and finally the general. Enough was never enough for him, thus he hurtled on towards self-corruption, turning away his old friends to embrace more powerful ones. This chameleon-like behaviour is certainly appalling, but i sympathised him because he never knew what he wanted, never knew himself, and was never in control.

This was as much evident to me as to himself. He was always aware of his own actions and the potential moral consequences, hence his keeping of 'an account of good deeds.' Yet, like a locomotive already at full steam, it all culminates in his final burst of hysteria, that he was only an actor, an ordinary and blameless one at that. Such was the extent of his pathetic state. He had seen it coming: at his wedding with Nicoletta, he 'saw the shameful, dreary chronicle of their decline, their degradation, which a stupid world saw as ascent.' He had lived in fear, that should the Nazis fall, gone too would his new world. Nevertheless, one could hardly blame him for his reacting the way he did at the end. He had lived a lie; surely he be allowed to indulge himself once more?

Hoefgen was, like the Mephistopheles he played to such critical acclaim, depraved. In juxtaposing him with his mistress Juliette, who suffered because she could not 'walk on bodies', Mann suggested that Hoefgen had a special capacity for depravity. As Miklas, the disenchanted Nazi and enemy of Hoefgen described: 'he walks on corpses- he'd stop at nothing.' Juliette had dominated Hoefgen, yet Hoefgen had destroyed her in the end, which leads to one last question.

Did Hoefgen become what he was because he was Hoefgen per se, or because all men had the innate potential to hurtle along this same path of moral decadence, and sink to such depths of depravity? Was he an ordinary man, or was he specially marked, possessing something no one else had?

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Gran Libre in Alksstak

“Danielle, I think I am in love.”

“Who is it this time?”

“Someone from medieval times.”

“So he came here via a time machine?”

“I don’t know. I just know he’s here. He comes to the library every week, and all he borrows are books about that period. He must be someone from that era, and is somehow here. And he looks at the mess our world is in, and laments it. And he longs to go back. Maybe reading all he can about his era can bring him closer to his world.”

“I think you spend too much time surrounded by books and geeks.”

“I wonder if he were a nobleman, a merchant, or a knight?”

“Peasant?”

“Maybe a prince.”

madridista

it must be destiny. the la liga is going to the capital. surely. real have survived and pulled it off countless times. right from the jaws of defeat. to draw, to win. to hang on to their lead.

yesterday again. i regretted not watching, despite staying up till 3. emerson talked about their joy at espanyol's equaliser; van niistelrooy talk of his fear that they would blow it. i really wonder what went through the minds of the players, both of barca and real, when the results became apparent.

it must have been like a rollercoaster.

and i did thought of buyin real yesterday. but in the end i didnt. it must be a sign of things. don't do too much. sometimes we try to do too much, and we fail. i have done enough. i am sure in a week's time, i will reap my reward.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

samir and sarkozy

what do a president and a footballer have in common?















i think the months of may and june have been kind to france. france hasn't exactly been having a good time. trouble in the banlieus, unemployment, isolation abroad...basically too much of an outdated chirac has reduced france's standing in europe and the world. even the surprising success of the les bleus in germany 2006 cannot hide the problems of the national team: too old, struggling and the impending retirement of zidane.

then came the elections. for the first time in a while, people actually bothered to listen to what segolene royal and sarkozy had to say. there was buzz. sarkozy's victory by a clear margin gave him a mandate, whether or not he had been voted because he was the lesser of two evils was secondary. but in sarkozy, the french have, on paper at least, someone strong enough, assertive enough to thrust france forward again. if, IF he pulls it off. but there is certainly reason for optimism.

then came the qualifiers. suddenly the french are playing with some style again, galvanised by the emerging samir nasri, hailed as the new zidane. here is someone with the ability to lead them to greatness again. people are talking again, and they are hopeful: the situation isn't as dire as it seems. especially as samir scored the winner to put france back on top of their qualifying group. indeed, their new hero has given them much to cheer.

sarkozy might not be seen as a hero; after all, the immigrants don't exactly like him. but samir has certainly endeared himself to the french. they may be different in this respect. but one thing is for certain: samir and sarkozy, both the scion of immigrants have made an impact on france; they have arrived on the biggest stage in dramatic fashion. and now, they have the opportunity to play an important role in the rejuvenation of france.

one can only wonder if they will grab their chances.

clazziquai and lyn

i can't get clazziquai's lover boy out of my mind. or rather out of my ears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB6nb-rYMQs

and lyn's sarang haet jana.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQLDvnGb6-k

about clazziquai. i can understand why people fall in love with alex and horan.

june and july

i wish for august to come quickly. june and july are terribly unbearable.

i am waiting for news. and the hardest kind of news to wait for is the kind that is good when it is absent, but bad when it is present. because you have nothing to hold on to. jsut because you don't hear it this minute doesnt mean you won't the next. and the moment you hear it, it is over. so you musn't hear anything. it is kind of abstract. but the main idea is: no news is good news. you are hoping to get news that does not exist.

actually the best way to explain things is by giving examples.

it is very hard for me to get through days wondering if:
1) henry, fabregas, wenger will still be at arsenal
2) villa, silva will still be at valencia
3) huntelaar will still be at ajax

i don't mind sneijder going valencia. i will hope he succeed there, if he goes. and if not valencia, then who? spurs? please.

and if sneijder go, it presents the best chance to blood anita vurnon and jeffery sarpong.

sneijder turns 23 today, btw.

almost out of hell

i ever came across this saying. i can't remember it exactly. but it goes something like this: a man will know he had lived, when he sees his son ready to take his place in life.

the feeling the man is supposed to feel is that of being moved. moved that he is finally ready to move on.

i felt something like this when i saw them run in the other day. just like what i did a year ago.

welcome to hell, i tell them.

speaking of hell, maybe it does have a place here. it does have a function. "capitalism without bankruptcy is like christianity without hell" sort of underlines its importance. although this statement, in its original context was used to emphasise the role of bankruptcy. i have just reversed the juxtaposition.

finally we are ready to move on.

like fabregas, i had looked forward to the end of the season.

almost, almost.
i do wonder:

is it better to be liked by a few because they understand you, or
is it better to be liked by many who think they know you?

Sunday, June 03, 2007

another long break is over again. why do i always feel as though i haven't done much?

we played twice, i read a book, started on 3 others, played abit of fm, watched the french open, watched germany-san marino, went dinner on wed, then curry wok and essential brew on fri, and bought boots on sat.

seems like a lot. yet why do i feel that same sinking feeling when i realise it's going to be over in 3 hours?

something is surely missing. that i can only conclude.

elegance and intelligence?

Saturday, June 02, 2007

cookies

kyoto matcha langue de chat


shiroi koibito (hokkaido)
mary's cookies

lover boy

clazziquai: lover boy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aw9XeDW4dOc

cool song and mv.

goodbye

tomorrow, i say goodbye to someone who has been with me for one and a half years. i hope it can be a fitting farewell.

someone who has stood by me all this while. accompanied me in my solitude. witnessed my enlightenment. tolerated my temper. felt the shots, crosses and passes. shared the joy and the disappointment.

i couldn't have asked for more.


Friday, June 01, 2007

sputnik sweetheart

"on the flip side of everything we think we absolutely understand lurks an equal amount of the unknown.

"understanding is but the sum of our misunderstandings.

in the world we live in, what we know and what we don't know are like siamese twins, inseparable, existing in a state of confusion."

"Did you ever see anyone shot by a gun without bleeding?"

and the passage that struck me most.
"why do people have to be this lonely? what's the point of it all? millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. why? was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"

i wonder about murakami's critics. i really do. i think one man's meat is really another's poison. i can never understand the charges they level at him. i have enjoyed every single one of his works i have read so far. i always anticipate finding and reading one, because i am sure that i can find some stroke of genius within.

murakami's writings always come across as absurd. yet there's always something to learn, something to realise, something to think about. maybe people just can't accept that the absurd things that happen in his writings are his metaphors, the connections between him and the reader.

what i like about sputnik sweetheart is the way the three central characters K, Miu and Sumire interact. like three satellites around the Earth, with the Earth as their contact point. and of course Sumire's 2 documents left in Greece. especially the first one.

revolving doors. i think that's the image in my mind. people coming and going. people separated by the glass doors. people seeing themselves in the glass. like seeing another person altogether. yes yes, that's the idea.

and i do wonder if K was right, that it is a very lonely feeling to stand at the mouth of a river and watch the river water mix with the seawater.