february

tomorrow is february.

i was wondering if i would even get to play this month. even once. as late as this morning, the danger was there. it was thankfully dispelled, although twice at the max, is scant consolation.

i can only pray that all goes well.

i don't want to be in a situation where i don't play for 2 consecutive weeks, because i would be taking so many steps back. and in hell, there is like no chance to play at all. and even if there is, that kind of play doesn't really excite me. it is not the way i want.

you might say i am obstinate.

but when you have tasted something fantastic, it is very hard for you to veer away from it. like the softshell crab at thai express. why change a winning combination? and we did experimented.

sometimes, you should stop the tinkering.

and nothing beats playing with people who share the same ideals as you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcSFSVLvt0M&NR

glamorous sky. with a bit of a making of, around a minute or so. but this is good because it has got the romanji together with the translation, so you know what she is singing at once.

one tip: play it as loud as you can. glam sky is meant to be heard at full blast.

i don't know where you are going to come from.

art, music, sports, style.

if that isn't perfection, i don't know what is.

new stuff

new songs(aka those yet to feature in my mp3)
i believe, ayaka
itsuka no merry christmas, b'z
sayonara, orange range
helpless rain, nakashima mika
hitoiro, nakashima mika
so merry christmas, mihimaru gt
liang shan bo and juliet, cao ge+zhuo wen xuan
renai shashin, otsuka ai
michishirube, keita tachibana
only human, K

new drinks
coffee beer, imperial chocolate stout, bilk(milk beer), cana story

das Paradox

i hate being misunderstood. whenever this happens, i always feel this urge to explain myself.

but sometimes i ask myself, is it worth my time?

people don't necessarily listen, nor do they necessarily care.

you would just be speaking to a wall.

that's why i think: why do i need to explain myself?

i am not for you to judge.

but even so, i must admit, i hate to leave a situation hanging without a conclusion, without my conclusion.

they might not be worth my time, but maybe i owe it to myself to explain myself fully.

i could easily convince myself internally.

but sometimes, only you knowing is not enough. the world must know.

if only people will stop and try to understand me.

but i can't really blame them for failing to do so.

there's friedrich der grosse in me.

shashin

i realise two things about photos.

1, they can capture the exact scene, the exactness of an exact place at an exact time. imagine a photo, an aerial view of a neighbourhood, maybe with snow on the roofs, because it snowed the day before.

snow in tokyo on 20 january 2006

a year later, you just need to look at the photo, and you will know what it was like, that day a year ago.

it is unique.

2, you can take photos of the same view, albeit at different times, different seasons. dawn, dusk, winter, summer, autumn, spring.

have you ever tried that? how would you feel?

i feel awed by it, because it is so simple, yet it captures so much.

the passing of time, the change in emotions, the mood, the everything.

my mind is blank.

these few weeks. there are alot of signs. like not knowing what to do at times. staring into space. surfin the net aimlessly. listening to the same video again and again(not watching), because i don't know what else to watch, and i am too lazy to think/search. not bothering to watch every game possible. not finishing up my economist for a few weeks in a row. wanting to do 2 things, yet procrastinating again and again.

it's like sitting on a bench in the park, shivering a little, waitin for the first snow of the season to fall. a sense of helplessness.

but ultimately, you are sitting there because you have nowhere else to go.

i must find myself soon.

people blog, because there is no one to listen to them.

best friend L's sony ericsson in taipei

sony ericsson ad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJnNGAbXqsM

my fave ad since the canon olympus ones with jeon ji hyun.

i love the rain.
i love my long commute.
i love the company.
i love it loud.
i love shopping.
i love to unwind.
i love being a substitute.
i love working late.
i love losing myself.
i love missing the last bus home.

kiroro's best friend on kouhaku 01 or 02, cant really rmb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFyHrkE1JoY
but it's reaaly a very nice song. for all the people out there who understand the word "friend", and for those who see me as a friend.

L guide!
http://www.deathgod.org/main.php?x=inter/lguide
there's some personality test there. i did it twice, cos there were a few possible answers to some of the questions. both times i was eru.

on sundays at 2230, channel u or 8, cant rmb, there's this show abt overseas singaporeans. the past few episodes are on taipei, while earlier ones on japan. i think it's somethign worth watching, and you can learn quite abit abt other places. and of course i start missing taipei abit. and there's of course the tinge of envy. tokyo and taipei.

it's quite amazing how vibrant taipei is, how the people dun seem to sleep, playing bball, reading into the wee hours. i wuld like to go see wad eslite, the equivalent of kinokuniya, is like.

oh well, dun tink i will be so lucky as to watch it anymore.

you can't even watch a tv programme on sunday??!!

the weather

the weather's apparently all screwed up. where it's supposed to be cold, it's warm and vice versa.

i like cooler weather. and now that i have got it, i am ambivalent about it. i am not used to having to face a relatively stronger wind, even when it doesn't rain. as far as i remember, this only happened overseas, in perth, tokyo, germany.

actually i am ambivalent about it because while i like cool weather, i don't really like rain. actually, it's not that i dun like rain. i just don't like it when it rains towards the weekend.

it kills the field.

otherwise, cool weather is what i have always been asking for. but if it's at the expense of many other, more significant things, things that have far-reaching implications, i rather not have it.

much as i don't want anything to happen to our world, there is nothing much i can do about it. frankly.

king of solitude in the helpless rain

i don't really go to many blogs. there are only a few which i would go regularly; in fact i think you can count them with one hand.

but there is one blog, i mean was, which i really like a lot.

kissui.net by yuki.

you can say it's ceased to be a blog. i don't know how i came upon it. but i like the entries. i like the photos. the photos are still there. i like the photos because those photos are the kind i would want to take, except those of people's faces, i am not tt much of a face person like yuki. and i like those lonely londoner photos, because they really capture the essence of being alone in a big city. the solitude.

but one day, i came back, and she's made the decision to stop writing. i will miss her writing.

and the most important thing i learnt from this is that things can suddenly just disappear.

ah niu's tong yi pian lan tian
http://www.funmtv.com/play/19069.htm

i love this song alot. alot of images float across my mind whenever i listen to this song.

king of solitude, chihiro onitsuka
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12BB--Ulpcw

nakashima mika's helpless rain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FS0WtyN0yLM

stadia

the frustration and disappointment linger.

anyway i was talking to wm abt uk unis, den london, den stadiums and ticket pricing, and then rivalries.

there is alot to a stadium. the design affects the acoustics, and the acoustics contribute alot to the atmosphere, the otehr part of which is of course influenced by the fans. then the proximity of the fans to the field. and many other things. when you step into it, you can feel it. a stadium is alive.

today, i suddenly realise: maybe it's meant to be. we need to let the field recover. maybe it has been calling out all this while for a break.

grass, ball, boots, self. you need to take care of all four. and i am humbled by this.

love, they call it.

umizaru

ending of umizaru 2: limit of love
http://youtube.com/watch?v=cv5IWcZNAP0

this totally captures the essence of umizaru.

i was too rational. but again, you can see it as impulsive. but it is not easy to figure out what exactly happened, how the decision was made, such is the complexity of the interaction between heart and mind.

in losing more than necessary, i was being too rational.

in losing in the first place, i was being impulsive. trying to push the ball forward even though you are already so close to the line. but then again, was it really the heart more than the mind? because if i had stopped to listen, i wouldn't plunge into it. i was thinking too much, trying to convince myself that it was possible. and it was indeed possible, why not.

so, what had seemed at first to be an act of impulse, an act based on instinct, on closer examination is merely a case of being too rational.

if you need to think so much, it's probably wrong.

i made another miscalculation today. what we did was not enough. and we should have done something else. maybe you can say we tried, but to me, we didnt exactly pull it off.

but it's still very disappointing for it to end this way.

i think i think like a monk sometimes.

are you going to put everything down and walk away just like that?
***

An inch, can be the difference between a hero and a loser. Maybe you want to be a hero, but then again, maybe you wouldn't want to be one, because heroes die first. But if you are not going to be a hero, then are you content to be a loser? Are you really sure you can say yes to that? And if you can say yes to that, is that what you want? If that is not what you want, then are you not living a lie? And if you are living a lie, can you really face up to yourself? And if you can't face up to yourself,

don't you think we are living a lie, every single day?

it's not that we don't want to be heroes. we just don't want to be heroes in that world.

i am not really waiting to see you fall. i won't gloat, i promise. i know you will fall.

so much for your idealism.

what i have seen over this weekend tells me that there are only two teams left in the title race: manchester united and arsenal.

chelsea have no desire at all. so what if terry comes back? i think it's not about terry. it's their kind of football, if you can call that football. and i thought the internal turmoil could be a spur; how wrong i was.

liverpool are simply not good enough. fortress anfield? that's a myth. who went there twice in a row and scored 9 goals there? ok, it was dudek, but dudek is not some 17 year old kid playing on the big stage for the first time. rusty might be an excuse, but think about it. you get whacked 3-0, let's not talk about the 6-3, and you can call your home a fortress? you don't lose like that, whoever you field. liverpool will appear to be in the race, but 3rd is the best they can go.

if you look at things from a football perspective, it's obvious that the two best teams in england are arsenal and manchester united. both play attacking football, which differ in style and philosophy. man u is nice to watch, but arsenal is nicer. and for the first time in a while, a man u-arsenal game is about football, not really marred by anything.

i disagree with one of the legends they interviewed after the game: man u certainly din dominate; it was 50-50, more towards arsenal in fact, because man u only really controlled the start and end of the first half. arsenal were dominant in the other stages.

amazingly, when rooney scored, i was not very worried. not even angry as i usually would be. because there was still time. up till the 80th minute, i was still confident. and then van persie slammed it home, in a goal that's as good as rooney's in the build-up, if not better. and of course, when eboue made that run, i had this good feeling, which was of course justified as soon as the net bulged.

on a side note, just as i was so confident about us beating them, i suddenly remembered that rooney hasnt scored in very long. and i thought there was a 70 percent chance he would score, and my belief wavered for a while. i am glad we proved that my initial calculation, that we would win, was flawless, because we can always score 2.

and so it was. 12 points. it's a position man u has come back behind from. so if you ask me, the title race is still alive. and like arsene wenger, i have an idea who would be champions, but if i tell you, you might laugh.

it is very special to beat manchester united, especially twice. whether they become champions, or we become champions, the fact remains the same. the only conclusion we would be able to draw at the end of it all would be whether our slips at lesser opposition have cost us.

are we ready? can we win? do we have the guts, the belief?

people are writing us off even before the ball is kicked.

can we accept that? can we?

are we going to win?

show me.

let's do it for gilberto. for me, for my instinct.

i never doubted at all.

***

i am sorry, but liverpool din play fantastic. chelsea were just horrendous. credit to liverpool though, they were interested in playing. it's like arsenal spurs the otehr time round: arsenal din play fantastic, spurs were just horrible.

x-japan and b'z

x-japan and b'z are probably the 2 greatest bands ever from japan.

my personal fave is b'z, with all their great songs. but x-japan's endless rain and tears are so out of this world. feel it for yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c05Wc8yu-6c
love phantom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb7frQ3QSnU
gold

http://youtube.com/watch?v=HGyn96C_43k
b'z calling

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4iWGAvwFLow
endless rain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4-T10itfds
tears

first of 2007

found this by chance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnnAEtOZf2g

recognise the tune? it's itsuka no merry christmas.

reminds me of florentino ariza, the protagonist of love in the time of cholera, by marquez, the very first book i read in 2007. i finally found it after a long search. it sort of disappeared for a few years, all his books.

i enjoyed it alot; marquez's writing is always very vivid and whatever he write seems to spring out from the pages.

i want to find 100 years of solitude next.

いつかのメリークリスマス

itsuka no merry christmas. i think i am beginning to understand why people in japan love this song so much.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=XHGkMQZXz9A
itsuka no merry christmas + ocean ,mssl 23rd december 2005

how was 2006's mssl? i would like to know.

but itsuka no merry christmas, it is the kind of song that grows on you.

just a slight tinge of melancholy. a lingering look at the past. on christmas day, you stand on your rooftop far far away from the bustle of the city heart, gaze at the bright lights, the fireworks, and think about that long ago christmas.

itsuka no merry christmas
words: koshi inaba, music: tak matsumoto

The lights of December begin to light up slowly
Anyone would fall in love with the busily dancing city

I ran, and just as the stores were closing,
I bought the chair that you wanted
Carrying the package on the train by myself, I was happy

I thought that we would always be together, hand in hand
With everything glittering, I chased my dreams recklessly
Thinking the day would come that we shared all our happiness and sadness
We smiled at each other, on that faded, long ago merry Christmas

Singing while hurrying along the railroad tracks to your house
I opened the door, and you were busy making dinner

When I proudly showed you your present, you were so happy
Seeing your smile, I held you honestly again

I thought that we would always be together, hand in hand
With everything glittering, I chased my dreams recklessly
For the first time I was afraid that you would leave me
I realized what it was to love someone, on that long ago merry Christmas

While looking at the candle light coloring the room,
I said we wouldn't part
After that, without knowing why, I suddenly cried

Standing here, someone hurridly passes by me
Carrying a package, with a happy face

see, not hear.
***

now you know why i like to talk about football. because it is just about the only thing that can really excite me.

and you know you can't excite me at all. i am not interested in that kind of stuff. i only care about whether or not i am going to play, whether or not we are going to win.

that kind of stuff, i'll leave it to you.
***

don't run, because i am not chasing.
***

the fight lies within.
***

people always say the past was worse. but i think this kind of mentality is wrong. you worked so hard to bring things to their present state; do you really want to go back to that past? in any case, that kind of thinking is so regressive. you are always holding yourself back, always with the handbrake on, because you dare not look in front. it's the maximin approach. minimise loss. so defensive. you know it, but won't, or are too afraid to admit it: it's not enough.

***

why must i lose to learn, if i can win and learn?

to play, you have to take into consideration a lot of things.

having that three hours is of course, the most crucial factor.

next is the weather. no heavy rain.

then there's the field. must be playable, meaning not alot of rain the previous few days.

then the coordination, getting people. a lot of smses you could say.

a lot.

that's why to be able to play, is in itself, a great blessing.

can you understand that?

the privilege of dogs

privilege is a word commonly heard. sometimes i wonder if it has been abused.

and it's kind of annoying to hear it when they explain things to you, why you have to do it, why they are taking away something from you.

"it's a privilege, not a right."

so they say.

it rings so hollow, that coming from them. ironic, even.

because what right do they have to say that?

what right do they have to determine that you have no rights?

what right do they have to make you their dog?

why did boa morte move to west ham?

it baffles me, for the captain of fulham to want a move away, in the middle of the season.

it's like someone throwing away everything, like a marriage. for something else. what could be it?

why do people do the things they do?

**

what drama at upton park. btw i was watching west ham v fulham when i thought abt boa morte's move.

west ham probably paid the price for resorting to gamemanship. they got punished in injury time with cristanval's equaliser. and prior to that, when you see benayoun clear off the line, you thought he would be that hero, scorer of two goals, clearing one off the line. but i guess they weren't going to let him be that hero.

what a pity, because benayoun deserves to be one. his second goal, when he picked himself up to go on and score, rather than get that penalty, i like that attitude. and i have always been an admirer of him anyway. but too bad, the night belongs to fulham.

i guess you must say chris coleman has done a great job at fulham. that kind of resolve seen in fulham. maybe we can all learn something from chris coleman.

this weekend will be a very big weekend.

to play again, resumption of the eredivisie, bundesliga, valencia at sociedad, arsenal against manchester united.

i stared into the eyes of despair.

can i imagine myself in hell with all these happening? and after those 4 days?

i am just so glad someone up there smiled upon me and granted me my plea.

do i look like i care? it's up to them, to live or to die. i am just a messenger who doesn't want to be involved. the only thing i am concerned about is whether or not i am going to make a super pass this week, whether or not we are going to win this week.

i don't want to enter their world, nor yours.

8

Robbie savage is a disgrace to the number 8. he should have been sent off as well; his challenge was akin to assault. And he hit gilberto twice. And on closer look, there appeared to be no contact from gilberto’s retaliation. And he fell like he was shot. Ok, the intention to retaliate was there, so send gilberto off. But what about savage? Did he have the intention to win the ball? Can the referee answer this question truthfully? Can he say he made the correct decision? Listen to what everyone is saying, those commentators, those analysts. And they all tell u, it’s a sham, it’s a mockery of the rules of football.

And the guy who cynically brought down van persie, who was almost certain to be through on goal despite the presence of two other defenders, ought to be as well, for a professional foul.

Maybe the ref already knows that even with 11 men, Blackburn would not be able to beat arsenal, so he thought it better to spare them the agony.

As it is, 10 men outpassed, outplayed, outscored 11 men in the 11 men’s own backyard.

Henry was there when we needed him most, to deliver the final nail in the coffin. And it was a very good strike as well. Two players can take on the entire defence and score. That happened twice, with kolo toure’s goal as well.

And what pleased me most about this performance was that we took our chances very well, as we have done in the past 2 games in the cups as well. Very few chances, but almost 100 percent conversion. That is very important.

And clichy is really establishing himself as a firm favourite. Senderos has presence in the box. Hleb, rosicky and fabregas rose to the occasion and outplayed their midfield. Lehmann did not concede, and did not slip up.

A lot of positives. I think the first team is more or less settled, except for the right back. I would very much prefer djourou there instead of eboue, because eboue is such a whiney brat who keeps putting his teammates in difficult positions cos he holds the ball too much. And not hoyte because hoyte’s positioning still leaves much to be desired. Djourou on the other hand, is strong and can play the ball. While senderos has played well recently, I think gallas and toure would be the best center defence for us.

And judging from the way we play football in the same manner from the seniors to the juniors, you can say we are on our way to becoming the Ajax of England.

And I think that is testament to our youth system. To arsene wenger’s vision. Like Ferguson had done at Manchester United, arsene wenger has transformed Arsenal and created a rich legacy.

Elsewhere in Iberia, we beat our poorer neighbours 3-0. david silva impressed me. He first caught my eye against real Madrid. But he played well this morning. Where did he come from?

someone is playing me for a fool.

I spent whatever of the past week trying to get my life back in order.

I have done whatever I could. Now, I can surf the net, albeit at much lowered expectations. And the msn is still as dead as ever, although I am finally able to sign in to the web messenger. However, due to the instability of the connection, this online msn is quite useless, as I have found out. And I still can’t access my email.

It’s amazing how things can change so drastically in 48 hours. Everything was fine on Thursday, and then on Saturday, everything was gone. I even reformatted the com, which was a big mistake, considering I hadn’t backed up something very important. I have bits of it in my phone and memory, but I won’t be able to make an accurate assessment of the damage. I would need to conjure it up again.

And the most disappointing thing is that for all these, I have nothing much to show for.
I am really considering switching. I am quite pissed off by all these.

things are getting quite irritating. i think i am losing faith in big organisations. increasingly i am feeling cheated by them.
and this is definitely not a good feeling to have. big organisations like my dear isp.

every night, i hear his calling. it gets louder and louder.

sometimes, people may take the time to come down and be with you. it is quite a touching gesture and certainly shows effort on their part.
but i think it is also somewhat pointless, because it doesnt change the fact that you are where you wouldn't want to be. not in a million years.

a person in hell who stays in hell to keep you company doesn't take you out of hell.

and for all you talk of appreciation, i think it is actually very simple.

show me the money and the time. that's all.

how mercenary we have become.

oh god, i am losing myself.

so i guess i am out of touch?

even if

even if mv
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iTxmQPSmBs

memory

"we would be insane and amnesiac without memory, memory is what makes us. it gives us orientation. we have to bring the memory of a place to the fore." -daniel libeskind

return of the king

a goal, a penalty won, an assist. it should have been a hattrick.

welcome back, thierry henry.

i think it was a very good performance from us this time round, although i won't hurry to pour champagne or what; we were playing against ten men. if you don't beat a team playing with ten men, if you don't beat a weak team, something is very wrong.

and the most important thing now is to get another win. and then another. and so on. we can't afford to do what we were doing last year: win, lose, win, draw. we are just committing suicide.

there were indeed a lot of positives from the charlton game. the movement was good, the dominance was there, henry seems to fit in well, etc etc. and even hoyte played ok. it could easily have been 10-0 but for scott carson, and he's def my man of the match. i think he pulled off at least 5 top quality saves to deny us. but the most important lesson for us is that we must take our chances. without those two penalties, it would have been only 2-0. which will not reflect our dominance and the amount of chances we had created.

we need to do justice to ourselves: convert those chances. we just need to convert 50 percent to score 5 goals. and if you score 5 and don't win, something is very wrong.

please score.

now, don't get complacent about this win. it was a very nice win, but remember, a 10-man charlton is nothing. nothing at all.

the first half of 2007, especially the first few 2 months, will be very harsh.

but there are a few specific things i aim to do.

soccer
1. play soccer every sunday.
2. improve, priority of which: technique, awareness, decision

hell
1. be out every public holiday, every weekend.

languages
1. unfortunately, i cant regain my memory simply by touching a book. so it will be the hard way for german.
2. learn the grammar, then the kanji.

misc
1. draw a map
2. finish up something i have already started

photos
1. take more photos of nice stuff

go
1. learn more about go. i picked it up in the last days of 2006.

read
1. wadeva that comes along

listen
1. listen more to people
2. keep up to date with songs

eat
1. find nice places to eat

travel
1. japan in september
2. another country

quite alot of stuff, as it turns out. but some are actually what i consider passive things. like should be auto de, such as the reading and listening things. these aims have always been around, and will. they are just there to remind me of them. but others are new, and probably only once in a while.

it will be hard to keep a clear mind, not to lose yourself in the fog.

頑張ります

last christmas

here's to make up for the lost christmas of 2006.

two clips of last christmas. i still think it was a very nice show.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0T2A9i-560
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5M2ex2fpbM&NR

seems like there are quite a lot of stuff to see.

last christmas talks about the aurora borealis. they say couples who watch it together stay together.

and i was watching this thing called stefanie sun's music story. and they talk about this thing called the green light/ green flash. basically it's the green ring you see just as the sun sets. of course it's not easy to see it; the conditions must be right. and in that show, the girl says that if you see this green light, the person beside you will be the one you will be with.

another version of this legend i found on the net says that you wun be cheated in matters of the heart.

last christmas, i gave you my heart. but the very next day, you gave it away.

2007

amazingly, 2006 is gone. just liddat. barely a whimper. how did i spend the last minutes of 2006? i think i was surfing the net, having just reached home. in fact, i thought i would be spending the countdown on the train.

i think the countdowns this year, i mean last, have been uneventful. i didnt even stay up for xmas. maybe i could have done more to make it more memorable. but i guess at some points in time, i did wanted 2006 to leave quickly.

i think i wasted it, seriously. and of course there are regrets. but other than a few positives, i think i am not sad to see it go. it's something i want to forget in a hurry.

that it's already 2007 hasnt quite sunk in yet. and yet my memories of 2006 are increasingly becoming blurred. maybe i want it so. but it's another year to go. another year to survive.

when it's gone, in fact, even before it's gone, at a certain date, i would know, i am out of hell.

and that is all we are waiting for. i am very sure of that. more than 90 percent.

the last movie of 2006 for me was confession of pain, which was quite ok. very open to your own interpretation. it's like they gave u a brief answer; the details are up to your own imagination.

the first movie of 2007 is death note 2: the last name. i enjoyed it. but it feels kind of weird, considering i am followin the anime as well.

it's like the duel between light and L takes place in two dimensions. and in one, it has already been resolved. there's this gap waiting to be bridged.

like almost all other things in life.