if you want to find someone enough, you will find him.

"...because i think...a girl like her...shouldn't be alone, hurting."

platonic love

two beliefs i have always had:
1) i want to play only in attack
2) i want to play first team

of these two beliefs, only one still holds true. and that is the second.

you know, there are two kinds of people. the first kind looks at a team and looks only at the star player. this is the kind of people who, in my opinion, don't understand things. then, there is the second kind who looks beyond the star player and realises that he is taking on the whole team and acts accordingly. such people are cleverer, because they have a stronger grasp of things.

you know, sometimes when you observe groups of friends, you will realise that in a group of friends, there is maybe a person who doesn't make alot of noise, who stays in the background. the first kind of people would ignore this person and go straight for the pretty girl in the circle of friends.

this is the number one mistake. if you want to beat barcelona, you can't just beat leo messi. you have to beat puyol. otherwise, all you get at most is a draw.

sometimes, ignorance is really bliss. because when you are cleverer and have a stronger grasp of things, you will realise the significance of that defender...and what if in that briefest of contact, you know he has already shackled you, regardless of whether he even bothered to look you in the eye? that is class on another level.

knowing you have lost is worse than never understanding that you had no chance at all.

i am happy with my new role in defence. because i feel vindicated whenever i see the looks of realisation. because i feel honoured to be playing for top teams, something a lot of people can only dream of. because i think before you attack, you have to learn to defend.

i was watching women's football, germany against brazil, when the commentator said this about germany's number 6 linda bresonik. can play in every outfield position. she wears number 10 for her club and usually plays in an advanced position. she played as the holding midfielder against brazil.

i think our idea of versatility has been tainted by the notion of "jack of all trades, master of none". versatility is thankfully, not synonymous with that.

and versatile is what i want to be. because i think that is one of the best qualities you can bring to your team- to be able to slot in competently where you are needed.

the other quality i want to bring to my team, which is actually one of the fundamentals of versatility, is an advanced level of understanding of things, which allows you to constantly adjust to the situation, to your teammates, so that they can continue to play their best.

because a team is not about having people to rely on, but being the person your team can look to.

so while

being in love is good, because when you are in love, you fight harder.

being friends is good too, because all too often, we forget this...when you are with friends, you are not alone, you are not afraid.

Dream within a Dream

"I had a weird dream yesterday. It was a dream within a dream. In my dream, I dreamt that I dreamt of her. And in my dream, I woke up to write it down, because it was such a beautiful dream that I didn't want to forget it, but wanted to write it down, for one day my memory would fail me, but the words on the paper would recreate the dream.

I woke up, and the page was blank.

I can't remember much of it; dreams are ever so elusive, so wily. They are always so clear, so vivid, but slip away when you wake, with barely a trace, except the most painful one- that they were there just a moment ago.

But this dream within a dream was careless. Or perhaps it had done so intentionally. I remember we were holding hands, but not the way a couple would. She told me that we couldn't be together. I can't remember if she said this while we were holding hands. But I remember accepting it as though it was the most natural thing to do, like floating on the ocean, letting yourself be rocked by the waves, drifting and drifting.

In my dream, we spent a long time together. She was holding my hand, and I felt safe. Even if her words should probably have hurt me."

"You still love her, don't you? Even though it has been so long…even though you say you are over her…but the fact is, you have never stopped loving her. Out of habit; because there wasn't anybody else, whatever your excuse, you have been hanging on to this love.

Hey, why don't you let her go? Why don't you set yourself free?"

hitoiro's lyrics.

http://www.kiwi-musume.com/lyrics/nakashimamika/hitoiro.html

Another single flower petal is torn off
And I don't have the power to stop the wind
As you break down crying on the far shore
This is the least I can give you in parting
You can forget the promise we made that day

If someday we meet somewhere again
Will we be able to try again? Is there anything left?
Time's about to overtake us, but we can't reset it
Don't cry, kindness isn't weakness

to be honest, i have never looked at hitoiro's lyrics closely up till now. now i realise wad i have been missing out on.

don't you dare

don't wander round
looking for someone to replace me
don't wander round
wasting the rest of your life
don't wander round
waiting for someone else to save you
and don't you make the same mistake twice.

i could say that i don't care
but the truth is i'd follow you anywhere
i've been waiting such a long long time
don't you dare change your mind

love mode live
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qwJtJRKSo4

i always like clazziquai live, because i think alex and horan just have this stage presence that is very special. i especially like the parts where alex is rapping and horan is just harmonizing. but the best part is right at the end, when alex says good night and horan just turns and leaves.

there is just something about the look, the action that people do when they know they have pulled it off. it is really very special.

and i remember the music station from so long ago, when nakashima mika performed glamorous sky, acoustic. she gave a smile and a nod at the start, because she knew how good it was going to be.

sadly, i never found this clip again.

utada hikaru's prisoner of love is a song that really grows on you. whenever i listen to it, ruka's defiance immediately comes to mind, although when you look at the lyrics, the song is probably more of michiru's.

i also rewatched Advent Children. it is just so good.

playlist

1. Don't You Dare, alexz johnson

2. Hitoiro, nakashima mika

3. Love Mode, clazziquai

4. With You, lisa featuring park hyo shin

5. Prisoner of Love, utada hikaru

people experience loneliness because of their interaction with other people.

i didn't come up with this. i wish i could say i came up with this, but i didnt. this came from the drama iryu.

約束

watch the first and second legs of the arsenal-villareal tie, and you will realise what a difference one name makes. and the name isn't fabregas, adebayor or walcott, but marcos senna.

full credit to us, playing with kolo toure as the sole regular in the defence. but senna's absence really made it easy. no pressure in midfield, no random long shots destined for goal. it was really our game to lose.

the look of resignation on pellegrini's face said it all.

so this game marks the start of the last burst. a last burst that includes chelsea twice, liverpool once, man u three times, potentially four, if we beat chelsea and everton fails to beat them, and hopefully, barcelona in rome.

i would really like the final to be between arsenal and barcelona again. but first, we have to do the job against man u, and they have to do the job against chelsea.

let it be a promise.

monkeys and vegetable.

never underestimate the monkeys of toshogu. they have spoken, and they are right.

suppose you get into an accident. while you lie there, fighting for your life, you decide you will leave it up to god if you live or die. you decide that you will place all your belief and faith in him to make the decision in your best interest.

and he leaves you a vegetable.

at that briefest of moment, while you still can, what would you be feeling?

i wouldnt know whether to laugh or cry.

perspectives

even in a story with a happy ending, there will still be the other perspective, the unhappier side.

and what makes you think the people in the story will live happily ever after?
for us, the story may have ended, but for them it may have just begun.

who would be happy, who wouldn't? who would have the last laugh?

questions we can answer only at the end.

but where is the end?

do you really want the answers? do you really want to wait for the day the world ends to answer these questions?

and then? what happens next?

of confidence, running and summer

when you are really that down,

confidence is something people can't give to you on a plate, even if they say all the nice things in the world.

it is something you can regain only when you dig deep within yourself, tapping into your inner reserves, your inner strength.

but it is easier said than done, because if you didn't succeed the first time round, what makes you think you can do it given the second chance?

but one thing is for sure:

only you yourself can pick yourself up.

somehow you have to
**

Life never runs smooth.

you wonder what it could have been if arsenal hadn't been hit by injuries one after another, if the financial crisis hadn't struck valencia.

sometimes in life, you make all the wonderful plans, and watch them disintegrate.

that is why they say 'things happen'

i was running the other day when i suddenly realised something.

i always preferred running laps, because it is easier to count the distance, and you can plan your run.

but i realise that while such 'markers' are good in giving you a guide as to how to lead your life, maybe they will unintentionally prevent you from living life to its fullest, because you will be playing with one hand on the handbrake, you will be focussing too much on ticking completed goals off the list, forgetting about the process and the joy, you will be giving yourself some leeway here and there, because you have met the target, when perhaps you could have gone for more.

running takes your mind off things. but like all activities that take your mind off things, it doesn't address the real issue, merely putting it off to a later time.

**
the weather is so good nowadays that i wake up every day, fearing that it would be gone. fears unfounded, at least for a while more, but eventually not-so-good weather will set in for a while.

but right now, it is perfect weather for lying in the sun with a book, or perhaps a barbecue, some football, frisbee, volleyball.

coming from a land where it is summer all year round, i am beginning to understand the significance of summer elsewhere.

this is tokyo

in tokyo friends the drama,
Ryuji said he was leaving Sabakan, because "i know that one day Sabakan will belong to Rei."

can you imagine, understand what he must have been feeling when he was saying this?

why do i love tokyo?

the superficial reasons are:
-there is something for everyone, for every mood
-i like how tradition and modernity can stand side by side
-i like how you can always turn a corner and find something interesting
-i like the way it takes you on an mood rollercoaster- sometimes you feel alive, sometimes you feel insignificant, just a part of a giant clockwork.
-good food, stylish girls- what more can you ask for?
-tokyo awes, inspires, yet allows you peace to reflect.

to quote takuro from glay, if there were one word to describe tokyo, it has to be hitoiro. one colour.

if there were one colour to describe tokyo, it has to be grey. grey because grey is ambiguity, grey is between black and white, grey captures the essence of flux, grey is everything yet nothing.

"people come to tokyo because they feel insignificant"- ryuuji

i digressed.

but is there a place where you go to, whenever you reach a crossroad in your life, when you need to recharge before you can get on with your life? a refuge which takes you in, with all your emotional baggage?

that is tokyo.

Tokyo

Sunday 22 March 2009

10 a.m., Tokyo at last. Tokyo, my refuge, the place of her dreams. She wasn't hard to miss; the sole blonde amidst the waiting contingent.

Her embrace was warm, a contrast to the last lingering chill of winter.

On the Keisei Main Line. Chiba flashed by, as I listened to her talk. She talked about school, her trip to Hokkaido in December and her new TV. She wasn't the kind who usually talked a lot, but she did so, because she knew I wasn't ready.

That was her- always able to read the situation and react accordingly.

"So you got dumped and did badly for your exams?" she asked, hitting me playfully on the arm, a twinkle in her eye. She looked at me, eyes wide open, expectantly, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"Yeah. What a loser." I smiled and we both burst out laughing.

"But you are ok now, right?"

"Not quite… ramen would do the trick. Your treat."

"All right, all right, I guess it is my duty to comfort the poor loser."

Monday 23 March 2009

Sushi buffet, we sat at the conveyor belt and the empty plates piled up. We ate like there was no tomorrow.

"It's been a long time since I eat like this," I said.

"You know, the first time I had sushi here in Japan, it was like a life-shattering experience. It was like someone telling you that something you have believed in all your life was false. I finally realized why you always said sushi in Germany is nothing."

"You saw the light."

And I saw her again, the her from three years ago. When we first met. It was the Japanese place I frequented. I was eating my ramen when she came in with two other friends. They ordered sushi and I couldn't help but watch them, or rather, her. What struck me back then, was that she looked really happy to be using chopsticks, even though she couldn't really use them well. There was awkwardness, yet elegance in the way she held her chopsticks. But what really struck me was how happy she seemed to be using chopsticks.

Tuesday 24 March 2009

WBC Final. Two outs, two strikes. Last chance for Ichiro. His bat connected, the ball flew, and everyone in the café jumped. Relief, joy. People around us were cheering and applauding. I turned to her, grinning.

She was on the phone. "Did you see that? Did you see that? Wonderful, isn't it?"

Ichiro's hit would prove to be the title-winning hit for Japan.

Wednesday 25 March 2009

Shinjuku. We listened to the girl play the guitar and sing. Chasing her dream amidst 12 million people.

"There he is!" she pointed. My cousin, her boyfriend.

"Hey, how are you? Sorry I couldn't meet you the past few days…was back home in Sendai."

Most of the relatives on my mother's side of the family live in Sendai. Back when we were still living in Tokyo, we often went to Sendai during the holidays to visit our relatives. Although we met only during the holidays, we were very close, because we were of the same age and didn't have any brothers.

About 5 years ago, my family moved to Germany because of my father's job. Whenever we came back to Japan, we would still meet up. A year ago, my cousin moved to Tokyo after he got into a university in Tokyo. That was when she told me she was going to Tokyo.

"What are you going to do there?" I asked her back then.

"I don't really know…but I will find something I like…find something I won't mind doing for the rest of my life."

"For the rest of your life."

"For the rest of my life."

"You want to stay in Tokyo for the rest of your life?"

"For the rest of my life."

I chose to stay in Germany.

Thursday 26 March 2009

In football, we always talk about the third man: how the third man must make the run, how the third man must provide another option…

But do you know what it feels like to be the third man? The third man eating sukiyaki with a couple opposite him, the third man standing to one side, watching a couple kiss, the third man at a café with a couple sharing a dessert.

The third man walking behind a couple holding hands on Omotesando.

Friday 27 March 2009

Cherry blossom watching always fills me with awe as well as reflections. The transient nature of life. The fleeting beauty. The insignificance of eternity.

The cherries weren't quite in full bloom; it was just that bit early. But a lot of people were out in full force.

We managed to get a spot for ourselves at Ueno, so that I could say, on my last day in Tokyo, I saw the sakura.

I was leaving early tomorrow.

"I can't see you off tomorrow, because I have to work, so you have to make do with just him," she said, as we stood at the entrance of the train station.

"That will do."

"So goodbye, and have a safe trip."

One last embrace.

"Goodbye."

Do you ever think about what it really means to say goodbye? Are you leaving a part of your life, a part of you behind for safekeeping by someone else, or are you leaving for good, never coming back?

Somehow, this farewell was proving to be heavier than expected.

Saturday 28 March 2009

Airport.

"Do you ever regret staying in Europe and not coming back?"

"No…when you have been abroad for 5 years, you can't possibly come back anymore. At least that is what I feel. I miss Tokyo sometimes, but no, I have never regretted it. When you make decisions in life, sometimes you just have to stick to them and keep the faith."

"I see…so when are you coming over again?"

"I don't know. Maybe not for a while…because we must get on with our lives. Even if I come back, I know that Tokyo will never be mine. The Tokyo I come back to will belong to the two of you... Hey, take care of her, will you?"