i need murakami in my life.

when things start to feel wrong, i will feel the urge to kick balls, to break into a run. today's those times.

anyway, over the hedge is very nice. i think its the nicest i watched this year. it's witty, subtly so, at the same time sarcastic. it's like this satire of us humans. but i thoroughly enjoyed it. it was very well done. very balanced. a tinge of cleverness. lot's of humour.

the thrill, all over again...

for a while, i hated running. and always felt sluggish. but i rediscovered the adrenaline rush, the liberation, the thrill... running freely on the field, in the rain, can be very therapeutic.

my only regret is that we couldnt score, and that we were using long balls. but that's understandable, considering we dun have any passers. but at least when we start to pressure them from the top, they start making mistakes and we began our domination. it sort of vindicates a key, if less known concept of total football: the hunt for the ball begins in the opponents' half, the moment the ball is lost. and it's especially sweet when the opposition looks damn pissed and look as though they din noe what happened. after all, they were supposed to be the better team, on paper.

but ultimately, it's about the thrill.

the simple joys of playing football and running.

sometimes, a team plays normally for most of the game, say 70 minutes. den for the last 20 minutes, it suddenly snaps into life. turns it on. play beautiful, play stylish, and win.

that's what be with you is like.

i watched disc 1 yest and wasnt fully concentrating. mebbe cos i was too tired. slept onli 40 min the night before. but the impression was that it was pretty normal. den watched teh second disc today. the last 15 minutes were very good. and when the credits roll, orange range's hana was playing. which was like capping off a wonderful last 20 minutes with a beautifully-crafted goal.

anyway, be with you is not bad. but its the kind of slower nice. not action-packed or wad lar. btw the little boy is sooooooo cute.

if you never say, you won't know

for you

your first birthday without you

like nothing to say,
staring at the calendar.

like being awake,
when everyone else's asleep

like standing still,
as others move.

like falling down,
when everyone's standing.

like nothing to say,
twirling an empty cup in the hand

like looking at the crowd,
head on railing from afar.

like opening the door,
to find no one there.

like listening to a discman,
with no disc in it.

like looking into the mirror,
not knowing who that is.

like picking the joker,
from a deck of aces.

like staring at a handphone,
that simply doesnt ring.

like being helpless,
as the clock ticks down.

like staring at another day without you.

sometimes, when i look at some people, sympathy just wells up in me. they seem...so out of place. doing things that don't seem to suit them. and i wonder why they choose those paths. my heart gets weary and heavy.

like a sponge soaking up all the stuff in this world.

your first birthday without you

"why do you lug a video camera around with you all the time?"

"because i want to take down all the beautiful things i see...so that when i lose my sight, people can see these videos and see the beautiful things i saw."
***
one of the most poignant movie scene i ever saw was from infernal affairs. shawn yue was walking out of the police academy gate, havin been expelled. the officer was saying something like: if you can't make it, you will be out, like him. who wants to be like him? then edison chen looked at shawn yue's departing figure and thought: i wish to be like him.

why is it you? it could have been me.
***
your first birthday without you

like nothing to say,
staring at the calendar.

like being awake
when everyone is asleep.

like standing still,
as everyone moves.

like falling down,
when everyone's standing.

like picking the joker,
from a deck of aces.

like not knowing what to do,

as it looms.

like listening to a discman,

with no disc in it.

like being helpless,

as the clock ticked down.

i realised i have been staring at this for a while. like staring at a blank canvas. i haven't had much to say this week.

yesterday was a day of nostalgia because we went back for the funtasia and then soccer. then we went curry wok for dinner. before going to town. da vinci code was totally sold out. so we went to the tcc at ps there. everything, from the 852 journey, to the time spent in school, to soccer, to walking from sch to coro, to taking 174 to town, was a pleasure.

maybe because i just missed the past so much.
***
"as usual, your memory is better than mine."

hey. you know, memories can be a burden sometimes.
***

he was finally home. home from the war. not without many wounds. he sat on the old, familiar sofa, silently watching the tv screen. it was a video of herself which she had made. a goodbye video. her last days. she was battling to keep a cheerful front; but it was obvious she was losing to the illness. this video, was all she had left for him. and he couldnt be by her side for those final moments. and he didnt know what to feel anymore.

this was how i felt when i watched the final.
***
cassis
konayuki
to me
ocean
5:09 a.m.
hana
michishirube
story
yellow
when did your heart stop loving me
bokura no te
endless story
glamorous sky
planetarium
missing you
goodbye
sangatsu no kokono ka

i just watched the final. watching carles puyol lift the trophy is heart-wrenching. because it could have been us.

lehmann lost us the game when he got himself sent off. almunia...oh my god, he had defeat written all over his face. the commentator said before he let in the two goals that almunia hadnt had much saves to make. imagine if he had to make any more saves. we would have been thrashed. those two goals, while credit to barcelona's attacking play, were savable. in fact, they shouldnt have gone in. the finishing wasnt superb or wad. in fact they were simple. should ahve been saved.

on a brighter note, at least henry is staying. in wenger's words, he met onli one objective out of two: keeping henry. this objective was more crucial to arsenals future than the other, which was to win the champs league. i fully agree with him.

so we move on to the emirates stadium, knowing what it could have been, what with henry's missed chances and being one man down. i thought we played ok, though we were one man down. certainly hadnt looked like it, though it also meant we had to change our game. but i suggest we should get anotehr goalkeeper. lehmann had been fantastic this season. but still prone to lapses of eccentricity. actually come to think of it, he was forced to do what he did because of a defence error. but lehmann can still be crazy at times. and hes already 34 or soemthing. so we should get another keeper. younger, less crazy. and better than almunia.

you know, sometimes when we ask for something else, we ask for more, the people we are asking from will say that they have already given us so much; we ought to be satisfied.

maybe.

but what if what they are giving us arent what we want in the first place?

vast differences do exist.

if only we know what each other wants.

what the hell are you doing??

i don't know what went through van basten's mind. how could he drop jan klaas huntelaar, the top scorer in holland?

i hope you are right and van niistelrooy can turn his rage into goals.

tell u the truth, i am afraid of argentina. i think they are more dangerous than brazil. because they are more tactically astute, they are dirty, they play smart. and they have good players.

if we get out of this group, i think we can go far. because this is really the group of death.

goodbye, thierry henry

if i were thierry henry, i would stay at arsenal. why? because we have so many young players with immense potential. and we are moving to a new stadium. the future is dazzling.

but unfortunately, i am not thierry henry.

i think he will leave.

of course i hope i am dead wrong. as i ahve been this morning. i thought we would win 3-0. we lost 2-1. but i am sure it was a good fight, though not the Dream Final everyone wanted. things went awry after lehmann was sent off. i din watch the game . i read the reports. heard from shaun and wk.i shalln't comment. i only hope that the players can say that they had done their best; there was nothing more they could do. the fairy tale is over. paris is over.

whatever happens next, whether or not we have thierry henry, we must fight on.

17 may 2006.
stade de france, paris, france.

arsenal v barcelona.

and i can't be there.

may the gods of football be with us.

may we win.

induced insomnia

at my grandmothers house just now, my uncle saw me wearing a holland jersey and said that he like holland too. then we started talking about holland, the past, the present and the future.

then i was thinking: when was it that i fell in love with holland? how did i fall in love with holland?

i can't really think of the reason. i mean, now i can say that the dutch concept is similar to mine, appeals to me. but i was pretty sure that wasnt the reason back then. you can say that as this relationship develops, through a better understanding of holland, i gained a better understanding of myself. but still, i can't recall why i started to like holland.

maybe there's just no reason.

maybe it's just fate.

oh by the way, the way otsuka ai pronounces planetarium is so cool. pla-ne-ta-rium. a very german way of pronouncing it. otsuka ai can look so ordinary one moment, from one angle, and so stylish from anotehr. and her daisukidayo is very nice. slow and sad.
**

"you can't close your eyes," the strange man told me. "or you will fall asleep. and when that happens, all will be lost."

"but i can enter the dream world when i sleep..."

"but when you awaken, you will find yourself in a nightmare. the eternal hell..."he said darkly. "you would have lost."

you would have lost. his words replayed themselves over and over.

you know, when kids grow up, they tend to want freedom. freedom to choose. what to do, what to wear, what to eat. etc etc. especially after they had a comfortable childhood. and their parents will get anxious and want to put a stop to all this. they will say that things have been going well, do you think you will be able to have ur good life today if it werent for what we have done?( namely to organise everything for the kids, to tell them what to do, how to think.)

i used to wonder what the fuss this was about. i mean, if your life is going fine, comfortable, thats all that matters right? what your parents do are justified. even if they may come across as autocratic. meaning to say, i put comfort as the benchmark: if you ahve that, all's good.

until i start shovelling shit( in a wild sheep chase, murakami likened his job to shovelling snow) and until i really get to know what philosophy is about, that was my stand.

i still agree that in infancy, childhood, we need guidance, we need stability. we need comfort. but i feel that when we grow older, all these are still necessary, but not enough. simply not enough. we need room to grow. more space to truly develop. u can say that my idea is that you need more rigidity at first, to build up the foundation, but when you are matured enough, you should be soaring freely.

using this analogy, think bigger; expand your scope of thought. i think you will noe what i am driving at.

the funny thing is the reason parents give in defending themselves and even criticising us for wanting this and that. in my honest opionion, that reason is kinda irrelevant. the logic is kind of warped, if you ask me. it's too much based on the past. ja, i agree with marx and hegel that history is a monumental engine driving us forward. but thats only when we look at the past and change what needs to be changed. in this case, they arent really using the past in this manner. they arent addressing the issue: why can't we have more freedom? because they havent shown us that freedom and comfort are mutually exclusive, as they seem to want us to believe. they were only telling us how they had given us comfort, sacrificing freedom in the process.

i believe both arent mutually exclusive.

we have to talk cryptically, using analogies, simply because
it's all about safety first.

i din noe 25 bucks can fly away just liddat. flew away the moment the ball left gerrard's boot. and it was just a few more minutes. a few more minutes to the easiest 25 bucks i ever got.

it was crazy to bet on west ham. or so people say. the odds were 1 to6. which means a 5 dollar bet amount to 25, if west ham win. now, west ham arent that bad you know. they finished 7th. they play some decent football. passing style. they have benayoun. they are a decent team. not clear underdogs as the odds would ahve us believe. so it wasnt that crazy.

and when west ham took a 2-0 lead, the possibility, that remote possibility of winning was suddenly magnified. but at the same time, anxiety and nervousness set in. because it was then that i realised, i had everythng to lose. 25 bucks in fact. and when it became 2-2, i was shaking my head in disbelief. dont tell me its going to be istanbul all over again.

then konchesky scored a wonder goal. it was tycho, pure tycho, i think. and i was thinking, now liverpool is going to feel stunned. they were prob thinking, screaming in their heads even: what the hell are you doing? you arent following the script!!

when it was the 84th minute, gerrard fired a free kick wide. the look on his face and the posture of the pool players suggested that even they thought it was over. and the hammers fans were celebrating. then they sportingly put the ball out for cisse to receive treatment.

that would turn out to be the start of a few minutes of insanity.

pool threw the ball back to west ham. i dunno why, but the rightback went to touch the ball. if i were him, i would have let the ball go out for a goal kick. safer, no? but he went to touch it and clear the ball into the middle of the park. i was going: oh shit. not there, to the side, to the side. pool got the ball. went on the attack. den the ball fell out to gerrard. for the umpteenth time, NO ONE was there to close him down. he whacked the ball in.

and so, my 25 bucks flew away.

but even so, i was still hoping west ham would win. they had many dangerous chances. they played better than liverpool, overall. though they make all those stupid mistakes.

but harewood prob missed the best chance, in front of goal, he volleyed a loose ball wide. you cant blame him; he was using his injured foot.

that was in extra time.

then it went into penalties. reina saved 3 or 4. but believe me, only the one from zamora was a good save. the rest, well, the west ham players made him look good. so poorly placed.

and so west ham, you can say, they threw the game away. tahts wad happens when u cant finish the game, cant kill the game.

it isnt abt ur trophy u noe; its about my 25 bucks.

and if u had won in regulation time, i would have been really very grateful. i mean i am, considering u beat spurs for us. but you could ahve done even more! and then to complete it all, maybe sell one of ur best players to us. 3 favours. alas!

but anyway, west ham played well overall. i think aside from those silly mistakes, bad decisions, they can take pride in themselves.

and for 90 minutes, yossi benayoun was my man of the match. he was defending, he was attacking, he led the hammers' dangerous counter attacks. he was dribbling, he was passing, he was everywhere. he played like a man possessed. i always like to see people play like men possessed. it gives u so much inspiration.

anyway, when extra time started, the fatigue showed and he wasnt as sharp as he was. but he should sitll have been the man of the match. esp if west ham had won.

why am i me, and you, you? but am i really me, and you, you? what if i am you, and you, me?

i think philosophy is the way out of this mess that is our world. you all, all those problems, all the shit we go through, all the things that bother us. because philosophy seeks to bring us above these.

except that even if we free ourselves from these "mortal" problems, we are given "immortal" problems to deal with.

yes, i think even if we free ourselves, philosophy, our means of escape, will actually bring us into another trap.
***

i had the weirdest of dreams yesterday. someone asked me why am i so bored. and she said: it's because i am not with you right?

it's almost as if she is mocking me.

because i still haven't found her.
***
why do people like to gaze at the stars? is it because we are trying to find the way back to ourselves, our origin? after all, we came from the stars, didnt we? the big bang of yesteryear.
***
i wonder how we will be like in 5 years' time.
***
between the truth and a lie, i chose silence.

controversy has erupted over the food poisoning suffered by tottenham players prior to their game against west ham. it has taken the lustre off our own glory.

west ham kept their part of the deal by beating spurs. thankfully, we din let ourselves down on the last day of the season, the very last game at highbury. thierry henry's hattrick sent us into delirium.

but it could also be his second last game for arsenal. as a fan, i have to frankly say that i think it is 60-40, 60 that he would leave. the hattrick could be a fitting finale, not that i would want it of course. even though right at the start, i was perhaps his harshest critic. but he has proven that he's the best. as simple as that.

in light of the controversy, it is very hard for me to celebrate our success. the last day went down to the wire. wk was messaging me the scores. then finally, the news that we were 4th, spurs 5th. euphoria and inspiration. then found out about the controversy.

it's hard for me to comment objectively on this. i certainly hope there wasnt foul play.

but you must remember: "what if" is just an excuse for people who cannot accept reality. you can ask a million times "what if", but as long as it remained in that stage, you will never know.

**
mourinho likes to say that his job is a thankless job, because for all his success, people will always say that it is bought. then his supporters or wadeva will like to say that mourinho won, not bought the titles because ranieri couldnt do it, even with the same financial backing.

has it ever occured to those people that they pretty much summed up ranieri's ineptness?

p.s let's just say i am not a big fan of ranieri. not least after wad he did to valencia. thanks, claudio.

***
ajax qualified for the champs league, as well as won the dutch cup.but they are sacking danny blind. i have to admit that the ajax board can be quite callous towards the players and the coaches. and that is something i dun like. especially since danny blind is an ajax man. captain of the '95 champs league-winning team. it would ahve been a fairy tale if he could lead us to greatness, of course.

but he didnt. the last sprint wasnt good enough. ajax in 4th place 10 points behind feyenoord. i think that is unacceptable. and we didnt really play brilliant football. which is even worse.

we still ahve to continue rebuilding.

but alot of players are leaving. maxwell, galasek, pienaar. many many.

i hope sneijder doesnt.

they say henk ten cate is coming to take over. i have heard alot about him. but we have to see.
***
valencia screwed up against athletico, handing the initiative for 2nd place to real madrid, after holding it for quite a fair bit of time. so, the fight for 2nd place will go down to the wire. but at least they look so much more convincing, compared to last season. and you know who was in charge last season.
***
hamburg will fight it out with bremen for 2nd place. without van der vaart. i just hope that he can recover both physically and in terms of form in time for world cup. it's the same with valencia. people were always talking about how hamburg and valencia were pushing bayern and barcelona all the way, putting the celebrations on hold, delaying and delaying the inevitable. you almost take for granted that 2nd place is ours. until the previous game. real and bremen had secretly crept up on us all this while, and when we stumble a little, they show themselves.
***

last day, last chances. let's end with a bang, like arsenal and ajax had done.

come on, guys.

how many times have you shut the door to something, only to open it again later, to find it gone?

you can wake up a million times, but still find yourself here. in this nightmare, in this eternal hell.

and nothing you do can change this fact.

gone are the days when you can just lie in bed, laze around, without caring about the time on a sunday afternoon like this.

your first birthday without you.

today, i realised that the clock in my room had stopped. and i was wondering, what would it be like if time really were to stand still. what would it be like?

and i was at robertson quay/ clarke quay area. watching a father with his daughter, i suddenly wonder what do we live for, who do we live for? my father was saying a colleague of his eats instant noodles for meals to save money; he has four young kids. there are alot of other stuff that parents do for their kids. so much so, do they live for their kids?

the ultimate question is still: who am i?

the pictures were taken today. i so envy those people who live in those houses. at the same time, i wonder what those people are like. i guess expats.

anyway bongout is nice. the kind of place you can go tehre and have a laxing meal. if u can read jap, even better, cos tehre are so many books to browse there. or u can just flip thru those mags and look at the pictures. food wise, its ok. though its ramen is supposed to be top ten in singapore. but the service is really very good. there's this japanese lady there who is really very nice, very sincere. her english isnt fantastic, but she tells us to enjoy our meals, apologises when the dessert is late. stuff liddat. and her smile is so warm. and its a wonder that they dun charge service charge.

which makes you wonder: why is it that the places with good service dun charge u for that but the places with lousy service charge u for that??? like modesto. the service was really sucky. and u pay so much for it. unbelievable.

what's good food? i don't know. am i numb or what? i don't know either.

maybe you can see it this way. everything is all right. very little actually stand out. and until you see those that stand out, anything will do. that kind of attitude towards food.

i still feel that jay chou's older songs are much nicer than his newer ones. it's like his new ones just can't really seem to match up to the older ones, no matter how you listen to them. and i think the same applies to stefanie sun.

the reason why i am bringing this up is because it seems that there's jsut this conflict with the past. it's like some things just set the standard. and our expectations are raised. but when the things that follow are just a tad off, we feel very disappointed.

are we then bound by the past? a past which defines our perceptions and expectations?

more on the past, i just read murakami's ice man. it's a short story. but it really is vintage murakami( i read it from vintage murakami, a collection of his so-called best writings). it is so murakami to write seemingly-absurd stuff, scenarios which, in actual fact, carry deep insights and meaning.

and after reading it, i am left thinking about the power of memories and their trap. how the past can work either way. and the need for a future. or you will forever be bound by the past. the agony. and be careful what you wish for.

more precisely, i have no conception of a future. that's because ice has no future. all it has is the past enclosed within it. ice is able to preserve things that way-very cleanly and distinctly and as vividly as though they were still alive. that's the essence of ice.

the ice man was as lonely as an iceberg in the dark night.

i don't know when this started or when it ended, but when i regained consciousness i was in a world of ice, an eternal winter drained of all colour, closed in alone.

the eternal past, heavy beyond all comprehension, had us in its grasp.

now, there's almost no heart left in me. my warmth has gone very far away. soemtimes i forget that warmth ever existed. in this place, i am lonelier than anyone else in the world.

he is telling the truth. but a wind sweeping in from nowhere blows his white words back and back into the past.

at the same time, i am wondering how to strike a balance, a compromise between two very different people. seems that one will always lose and feel alone; there doesnt seem to exist a place for both of them.

and vicente is out of the world cup.

watching epl highlights. they showed bryan robson's face and said his team(i forgot who he manages) failed to add on to their tally of 29 goals or soemthing. and his face was just so...i mean when i look at it, i felt very sad for him. especially when at the start they zoomed in on a placard declaring that the team had betrayed the fans, and robson should go. but the face, it was really the kind of helpless, pathetic expression. and i feel sorry for him.

btw, the fight for fourth will go down to the last day. reyes' 2nd goal was nice. cool and classy. abit effortless too. but he was already in space, just that he had to bend it around the 2 guys in front of him.

IF holland were 100 percent fit.

4-3-3
in goal: van der sar
defence(left to right): van bronckhorst, heitinga, boulahrouz, de jong
midfield: van der vaart, maduro, sneijder
attack: kuijt, huntelaar, van persie.

bench: bouma, vlaar, babel, robben, van niistelrooy

so wayne rooney is out. he might only make it for teh final, if england gets there, that is. erikson will bring him to germany. reminds me of holland in '88, when rinus michels brought an injured van basten to the euro, and van basten only played from the second round i think, or was it the second game? but we know very well how it turned out. holland were champions, van basten the star. erikson must be thinking of this. but then again, rooney is everything to england.

lothar mattheus said that other than argentina and brazil, there were three other teams he favoured winning the world cup. i think he said italy and england. what i do know is that the dutch were his dark horses.

danke. i am flattered. but if you ask me, i have to say frankly that i don't think we can win the world cup. even though just a few months earlier, i felt that we were really one of the best teams. why the 180 degree turn?

even though i believe in youth and that i believe that players are peaking and reaching their prime earlier, at around 25, 26, holland is still too young and inexperienced. they have the potential, but they are still in the rebuilding stage. as i have said, i believe the year is 2008. but we seem to have made alot of progress and people start thinking about 2006. of course i would love to win the world cup, but it's frankly, not easy.

especially if you consider the fact that arjen robben is becoming more predictable and offform nowadays. and van niistelrooy just missed a penalty. and he hasnt been playing for man utd. who's going to lead our attack?

to the ajax players. it has been a rollercoaster ride. heitinga was dropped for a while; now he's back to the starting lineup. sneijder just returned as a sub, scoring the goal that put us in the champs league. babel was also inconsistent.

and the injuries: van der vaart, de jong, maduro are still out. it is worrying.

i wonder what van basten is thinking.

i hope vdv, de jong and maduro will all recover and hit form in time.

on a sidenote, i can't believe that galasek is leaving ajax?!?!

prague. amsterdam. munich. dresden. tokyo. sevilla. paris. barcelona.

prague: because it is so beautiful. it is also where fly to the sky's missing you mv was filmed. and all along, i was thinking: could it be sansoucci in germany??

amsterdam: because it is so beautiful too, in daisy. i like all the canals, all the cobblestone squares, streets. and amsterdamArena.

munich: because i am still in love with that place. the city in a country setting. marienplatz. englischer garten. the bahn.

dresden:there's this picture of the elbe in the evening, with the cathedral and the opera house. it is just so...indescribable. i saw it and just told myself: i want to see that one day.

tokyo: the city of style to me. it's like everything is so messy, yet so orderly. the kind of contradiction. i felt so at home there. and the style too.

sevilla: betis v sevilla. where one of the club president once declared himself more important than the pope. flamenco, muslim influences. there is just so much to this place.

paris: they say it's the most romantic city, no?

barcelona: i think this place is nice. and it is also the best place to learn about the catalans' struggle and how fragmented spain actually is.

without inhibition

what do you know!

excite me, awaken me, let me know i am still alive.

who was the girl in my dream?
it has been a week, and i still don't know.

each and every circumstance is unique. that is why we are always flipping the coin, using whichever side is suitable at that instance. that is why i feel, there is no "best", only the "most suitable".
```
sometimes, knowledge is bad.

they said wenger introduced the idea of fear into arsenal, before the 2nd leg against villareal. he said: play without inhibition. it was then that they realised fear existed. and they played with inhibition. because they were reminded that they had everything to lose.

there are alot of such unintended consequences. just look at the security measures around us. don't you think they are all ironies? they are designed to safeguard our freedom, our safety. yet they had introduced the concept of danger and fear. their very existence reminded us how vulnerable we are. instead of making us feel safe, we feel endangered.

so how, you ask.

i don't know.

but i do know, when you know you have everything to lose, you are just filled with inhibition.