wonderful fool

i just finished shisaku endo's wonderful fool. i finished it in around 24 hours, including time spent sleeping and on football. so basically i was reading it whenever i could. because i was spellbound. i wanted to know what would happen next. i wanted to know why gaston came to japan.

i guess naivete can be a virtue. at least you won't be tainted by the world. i think this is the first time i actually consider foolishness a plus. or maybe it should be called innocent. at least it won't have those negative connotations.

but i guess someone like gaston can really change the lives of people, simply by being himself. which basically means being naive and singularly believing in his ideals. it rubs off people. people start out following you so as to watch over you, because they fear for your well-being. as time goes by, your singular belief will rub off them, and bit by bit win their admiration. although frankly, they wouldnt have known what really happened.

because someone like that is probably the last person someone would hold in high regard; often they would be viewed with derision.

now, suddenly i am thinking of Joan of Arc.

sometimes we need to be foolish, so that we can believe. so that the dream would still be alive.

sometimes it's easier for us to tell people what to do. like it is simple to tell someone to stop whining and get on with it.

but maybe we can do more to see things from his perspective. then maybe we can understand his angst, his frustration.

because sometimes we are in a privileged position, where we are empowered to do the things we want. some people somehow aren't.

of course we can shrug it off and say it's not within our control.

but then again, maybe it would just be self-denial.

ignorance is bliss. people don't say it for nothing. sometimes it's good to believe in lies; sometimes it's good to lie to yourself. if it makes you feel better.

but that's all a lie of course.

perfect 10

From The Perfect 10 by Richard Williams

la muerte es vida vivida
la vida es muerte que viene

death is life lived away
life is death coming on

sempre nel mio cuore

you will always be in my heart.

you really can pick up all kinds of languages from all kinds of places.

hand on heart

"Hand on heart, i did what i thought was right."

if you should ever harbour any doubt, think of blair, and think of what he said when he announced his retirement.

if you can say that, then i think you can go away with peace of mind.

of course, you would also need to heed mark twain's words, not to part with illusions.

"when they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."

just in case...

i guess we have no luck with afternoons.

i think i will never consider it again.

and my heart is heavy as i write this.

stef!

50万加仑的水
42公斤的体重
88个琴键
24分钟车程
33种的LP
一个任性的我
一个离开的你

喜欢听歌 感人的歌
它让我觉得 爱是对的
睡不着 我就醒着 不再让日子被打乱了
寂寞很吵 我很安静情绪很多 我很镇定 因为投入 所以放弃
不愿再被痛醒

固执算不算任性的要求
付出也可能看不到结果
终于你还是选择了放手
用逃避 让感情犯错

承诺算不算任性的要求
人总是不能太容易感动
当爱失去自我失去包容
只想要 从混乱解脱

喜欢唱歌 动人的歌
它让我获得一点心得 得不到 我就放掉
不去碰触到我的需要 喜欢唱歌 动人的歌
它让我觉得爱是对的

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52GbXP3U4KQ

我不難過：
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgDDB3EoNiw

开始懂了:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcJCPdbQbBE

害怕:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bef4OadmFZM

the burden of expectations

i was reading the story of berkant goektan and i realise that there are many stories of forgotten people, people who had the potential, but did not fulfil them. things which had so much promise, but fall short in the end.

like sequels. most people would agree that the first infernal affairs remains the best among the three. its hollywood remake also pales in comparison. the same goes for my date with a vampire. the first remains the best.

just look at cristiano ronaldo in all the big games this season. and to a lesser extent, kaka in the final.

maybe human beings are doomed to crumble under expectations.

the intelligent player

why i favour the thinking player:

he makes the best decisions in the interest of the team such that the weaknesses of the team are not exposed, and the strengths are accentuated.

basic concepts

1. it is not over till it is over.

2. you are not a Bayern player until you are a Bayern player.

3. the game is won in the second half, especially the last 10 minutes.

4. the only person whom you may trust is yourself.

basically, what it all means is that we are walking on a tightrope. of course i wish otherwise, but i can't hide the truth from you: that's the world we live in.

we wish it to be perfect, but perfection is not what we are going to get.

maybe we can do our bit by doing what we should. like being more sincere.

but then again, maybe people don't give a damn about it. and they think we don't need more sincerity.

nobody is right or wrong.

whether we do what is right, or whether people think we are right, time still passes.

the world won't stop because of us.

so just get on with the game.

ajax 3 alkmaar 0

what can i say? what more can i expect? there is nothing more i can ask for. we needed the victory at home, and we got it. 3 goals in the second half. and we are in the champions' league again. hopefully this would be enough to keep huntelaar.

and valencia is out of the la liga race. i hate to admit as much. but i guess it is a sign for real madrid to go all the way. but as long as villa, joaquin, vicente, silva stay, it's ok.

Joan of Arc

"Jean d'Arc, sans sepulchre et sans portrait, toi qui savais que le tombeau des heros est le coeur des vivants" - Andre Malraux, 1964

joan of arc, without tomb and without portrait, you who knew that the grave of heroes is the heart of the living.

"i am used to being without you."
***

"i am going."

"goodbye."

"i am really leaving."

"take care."

"i am leaving now."

"don't go."
***

i guess sometimes we are too proud for our own good.

stuttgart

uli hesse-lichtenberger's article about stuttgart taught me a lesson.

basically it was saying something about stuttgart, due to quirky regulations, not being allowed to display stars on their jerseys to symbolise their domestic success. basically you needed to win 3 bundesliga titles to have one star, and stuttgart only has got two, because the other titles it had won were pre-bundesliga. something like that.

"But Swabians are not only considered diligent, tidy and thrifty in Germany - they are also known for being cunning. And so they came up with an absolutely watertight plan to get their will after all: win the Bundsliga for a third time. "

no doubt, hesse-lichtenberger's assertion might be a bit dramatised, a bit romanticised, but if we do believe it, and we would like to believe it, because there's a romantic in all of us, there's a lesson to be learnt.

we may feel that we have been unfairly treated at times. we may feel indignant at things, or at people. we may feel that we deserve more. in times like these, there are many ways in which we can react. like whine, cry, sulk.

but we can also go out there and show them. just do it to shut them up.

moments of magic

i saw a few moments of brilliance today.

two from this clip, a compilation of the best moments from that triumphant 1970 Brazil.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqVo86yhH9c

the first is the goal against england, the way pele brought tostao's cross down, with his right foot, and the ball seemed as though it was glued to the foot. and as his foot came down, he immediately tapped it to the right, into space for jairzinho. that he did it in such a smooth manner, under such tight condition, was testament to his technique, and vision.

the second was against uruguay, but it did not lead to a goal. a throughball from tostao set pele free. and he dummied to let the ball go on, before striding past the tricked keeper to retrieve the ball and send it to the far post. he missed. but his elegance and audacity left me wordless. it would have been a very, very great goal.

the third was eto'o's pass to ronaldinho in the 6-0 drubbing of athletico madrid. he seemed to have caressed ronaldinho's pass backwards, to the right, and yet he instantaneously slipped it forward into the path of ronaldinho again. somewhat like pele's against england.

the last would be honda's free kick for japan in the olympics qualifier against hong kong. it was a very wicked bend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjCTdBpuaok

division one

imagine a youngster loaned out to play in the first division or something.

he is just dying to return to the team to play in the top flight, to play in europe.

especially when his current experience is not very beneficial, frankly.

i think i can understand his desire, his anxiety, his hunger and his frustration.

friday nights

i think i enjoyed a bit of a honeymoon at the start of the year, with fridays being free, or at least being able to get out relatively early.

but i never doubted that friday nights are a luxury. i won't be lucky all the time. and i am right.

which brings me back to my point.

friday nights should be spent outside.

even if you have to work on friday nights, it should be for people more worthwhile.

the forgotten

Nou Camp, Barcelona
Champions' League Semi Final, Second Leg.
Half-time.

Barcelona 1 Ajax 0 (Barcelona leads 1-0 on aggregate)
Barcelona: Inostroza 37th

"What i want you to know is that history does not remember the semi-finalists. History will not remember that we have played well but lost. History has no place for the loser. History will only remember that Barcelona were in the final.

"i want you to change that. i want you to make history remember us. that we played well here and won. that we made it into the final."

***

Nou Camp, Barcelona
Champions' League Semi-Final, Second Leg.
Full-time

Barcelona 1 Ajax 3 (Ajax win 3-1 on aggregate)
Barcelona: Inostroza 37th
Ajax: Flannen 50th, Sofronie 69th, Thiers 89th

milano

what the champions' league final told me is that:

tactics can never stop genius and luck.

and also, that liverpool just does not have the quality. of course i have never doubted that. but i guess it was plain for all to see in athens that night. a greek tragedy, they call it.

when milan plays like that, when their veterans play like that, and you can't capitalise, it just shows that you are not good enough.

the better team didn't win. the better team didn't lose. it was just that the team which looked more like champions won. and not some pretender.

excitement

sometimes we need a certain level of excitement. a certain level of adrenaline rush. you need to feel it pulsating through you.

like moments before the cup final. waiting to emerge from the tunnel. that kind of feeling.

when we are too relaxed, we can't go into that state. that dream-like state where you become someone else all together. or maybe you are just being you, because it's all within you, you are merely unleashing it.

sometimes we need that push.

speaking of cup finals, i sure hope milan win on wednesday. i am suddenly italian!

but seriously, i think milan look more like european champs than liverpool.

amunt valencia!

do we dare believe?

i first heard this in the 3rd placing game at the 2002 world cup. when song chong gug scored korea' in the dying minutes to make it 2-3. the commentator was mooting the possibility of a korean comeback.

it is packed with emotions. hope and courage.

and i am asking this now, because with three games to go, anything can happen in spain. and tonight's results will definitely affect how things go.

and at the end of it, we might be champions. people might have forgotten us, but it isn't over till it's over. and i dare to dream.

even if it means giving up 14 bucks.

almost a year

last monday, i went back to a familiar place. a place i had spent 18 weeks in. or more accurately, 15 weeks, considering 3 were in taiwan.

it has been almost a year since i first stepped in there.

at that place, i was all alone. i never felt more alone during this one and a half year in hell. i went there on the back of disappointment, and after suffering from a shock/setback that i never really recovered from. not even up to today.

then i sought solace in football. you could say it was a turning point in my life, because i rediscovered what football meant to me.

almost a year ago to this date, the world cup party was starting to go into full swing. i miss the world cup. i wish i could have watched every single game. but it was not to be. but to spend the nights in that place waiting for the results, especially that of holland's, was the next best alternative.

a year on, i still don't know what really happened in the game between us and portugal. i still don't know what really happened after april last year. why things are as they are now.

i still seek solace in football though.

although sometimes i wonder, why do i play?

parting

"i knew that we were living on borrowed time. i knew that one day it would end.

but i never thought it would end simply because all things end.

i always thought it would end when he leaves for Madrid. because let's not kid ourselves, we would be living half a world apart. how are you supposed to manage? but i never thought it would end earlier.

maybe it was just as well. i thought about it. maybe it would be better this way. we would be able to accept it more. maybe we won't have regrets then. after all, it didn't end simply because he was leaving. but because it was going all wrong already...such that it would be better if we end the pain once and for all.

i really want to believe that."

expiry date

i guess it's a sign of things to come when the first thing you read on saturday morning is that of henry wanting out.

all things have an expiry date, it struck me suddenly.

i guess that's the real nature of life. fleeting, ephemeral.

pre-season will be tough to get through. worrying about who's staying and who's leaving. especially about david villa.

but i suppose all good things do come to an end. and yesterday never felt the same after that realisation.

on another note, plans for saturday evenings will go back to the drawing board, now that epl is concluded. for so long, they have revolved around match timings, now it seems a sense of despair and confusion will set in. it would probably be more intense come next week. the first time in a long time.

i told you so.

yes, the ball crossed the line. but if you ask me, it shouldn't be a goal anyway. giggs slid into cech, and i think it should be a foul anyway. i mean, players shouldnt be allowed to slide in that sort of manner into a keeper who has got the ball already. so ja, even though giggs' momentum pushed cech past the line, it isn't a goal.

and well, man u paid 30 million for rio ferdinand.

man u has lost the last two games of their campaign. and seriously they weren't that fantastic towards the end of whatever competition you want to talk about. they were able to field reserves at stamford bridge only because arsenal had done the job for them. so what, you ask. the reserves drew 0-0. but if that game had something to be played for, don't you think it could ahve been different?

ronaldo, so long the best player in england, was really spluttering towards the end. burnt-out? maybe. but i thought he was largely anonymous in the final, as he was in milan.

the final was rather boring, especially the first half. the game only started to open up after the resumption. and it took a moment of magic from drogba and lampard to create the winning goal. but for a certain period, man u were better, and another period, chelsea better.

but ultimately, man u will feel the pain. the pain of playing well (relatively), getting the better chances, and not getting the result. you ahve been lucky. but not anymore. it's about time. you may have played nice football 70 percent of the time, but i think people flatter you.

because you are not as good as you seem. as milan have shown.

what i ahve seen gives me a lot of optimism. there would be no domination. we have a very good chance next season, whether or not henry leaves. but that is another matter. and i never believe the board should interfere in affairs on the pitch. but if things have to come to this, then we have to accept it and get through it. it's a test. we just have to make sure we don't do anything rash or stupid. then next season should be very different.

never forget, but we have beaten the league champions home and away.

and i told you, chelsea would somehow win the fa cup.

'No hay nada como una buena remontada en el Bernabéu' -butragueno

there's nothing like a good comeback at the bernabeu.

fans would forever debate about the best way to beat your rival. a 5-0 drubbing, a 3-2 comeback victory, or a 1-0 victory, with the winner scored in the dying moments of the game.

all the above would be sweet. victory is always sweet. but i agree with phil ball. the fighting spirit embodied in comebacks implicitly imply weakness: a good team would never have gone down in the first place.

that's why i always ask, yes, we show tremendous spirit to stage a comeback, but why do we always make it difficult for ourselves in the first place?

we may be the best team if you look at the matches between the top four, second to man utd if you consider the top ten, and we are fourth and twenty plus points behind if you consider all twenty teams. just not good enough.

but at least we don't lose in front of our fans on the day the trophy is presented to us. what kind of champions is that?

mute

have you ever wonder what a mute feels?

to speak and not to be heard.

forever outside.

so much drama

so much drama at the end.

my heart goes out to all the sheffield fans out there. it must be very heartbreaking to watch your team lose at home, and thus get relegated. the contrast in emotions between wigan and sheffield cannot be greater. and when the camera zoomed in on the fans, on the players, you can't help but feel their pain, that feeling of being stung.

but nevertheless, it has to be congrats to wigan for surviving. what a dogfight.

speaking of losing at home, what kind of champions are manchester united?

what kind of champions lose the last game at home, in front of the home fans, just before the trophy is presented? you call yourselves champions?

now my game plan is undone. thanks to a lousy man u who can't even not lose at home on final day. i have to wait for the uefa cup final, champs league final, fa cup final and the conclusion of the la liga. i sure hope like hell chelsea beat man u. for once.

alkmaar again. as if pipping them to second place in the league, and then beating them on penalties to lift the dutch cup arent enough, we are going to face them yet again for that final place in the champs league. a 4-0 win at the arena erased the 1-0 deficit from the first leg. how about that for a response. but we need to focus everything on the playoff final, because the most important thing now is to secure that spot. the fa cup win, the fact that we lost the league by only a goal means nothing if we arent in the champs league next season.

and a vdv-inspired hamburg won 2-0 at nuernberg.

but tonight is about pablo aimar. the prodigal son returns to the mestalla. i am sure he would be welcomed; he had been fantastic. but all reminiscing shall cease the moment the whistle is blown. that team will ahve a place in valencia's history, but no place in the present. and future.

if i were to run into you again one day, by chance,

would we have anything to say,

or would we nod and go?

would we try to talk, but merely find silence,

or would our words ring hollow, devoid of soul?

would we seize the chance, believe in fate,

be true and give us another chance?




or would we simply fade off into the background again?

that man, that woman

vibe featuring jang hye jin

gunamja, guyuhja

mv
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edzI0gI914c
live
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvhiUg98UXA

the vocals are good. but i think the real thing is the lyrics. hits you hard.

can feel alot of pain, and love.

photos

http://korihikage.dotphoto.com/CPListAlbums.asp

will be world class

"every day, i would travel around the country, the world to look at young players. trying to look for the next henry, the next ronaldinho. you look at so many players each day, and it can get monotonous. but once in a while, a player appears, and you simply just sit up and take notice."

i think i felt it yesterday.

this week will be a hard week.

i only wish i can fast forward it to the weekend, where there is something important that needs to be done. everything else in the week, is all superfluous.

i believe. konna ni chikaku de. with you. feng. shan hu hai. endless story. hitoiro. glamorous sky. mikazuki. precious. amaenbo. should i stay. bad day. girlfriend. xiao qing ge. konayuki. ocean. story. i love you. journey.

Substitute

“I was just a substitute. Deep down, he never stopped loving her.”

“It’s hard to forget someone. Love leaves a permanent imprint in our hearts.”

“And I told him to win her back. How foolish could I get? Am I really very foolish?”

“If you really love him, you should let him go…”

“That’s clichéd. Who the hell believes that?”

“Then what do you intend to do?”

She never answered. Dead drunk.

“Am I a substitute too?”

Second Chance

I don’t know you anymore. Everything we used to talk about, our dreams, ideals, everything seems so far away now. I can’t see it anymore. I can’t see the shore. I can’t see our future.

I don’t have a place in your future. I am not on your map to happiness.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“This is very nice. It is very powerful.”

“Thanks. Have you ever said ‘No’, and regretted?”

“Who hasn’t?”

“Have you ever closed a door, only to open it again, and find emptiness?”

“Why don’t you give her another chance?”

“It’s too late.”

“Why don’t you give yourself another chance?”

“Wait, what are you doing?!”

Using her lipstick, she crossed out the ‘No’ of the title of his work.

She smiled, “There. Win her back.”

Hairdresser in Mezague

This style.

This?

Yes, this.

It’s short.

It’s ok with me.

Are you sure?

Uh huh.

May I ask why?

I want to forget things.

But hair grows back.

enttaeuschung

i can't believe i have been living with disappointment for more than a month now.

that makes it 5, 6 times perhaps. maybe once or twice, it should be considered acceptable, but maybe my expectations are just too high. and i do wonder why do i need to be so perfectionistic sometimes, when even the pros fail to deliver.

but it has been disappointing. and i realise that when the chips are down, the knives are out as well. and there isn't any support. and alot of factors make it even harder to come through. today was supposed to be the best chance. but as early as yesterday, i know it was not going to be easy. and the first thing i saw in the morning confirmed my worst fear.

all these matter because i can't do it myself, i hate to admit it.

what really happened? i don't think i will ever understand.it's like you forgot everything all of a sudden.

i just know i need to get everything back on track.

you have to fight for your own happiness.

my happiness is at stake here.

I don’t deny people the joy.

Because I never say no. not even when it doesn’t excite me, or when it comes at the expense of my own joy.

Whether or not I don’t have the right to, or I can’t afford to, is something I have no intention of confirming.

You must understand how everything began, why we threw away everything. It is to share this joy with others.

Of course, I no longer believe in the word ‘unconditional’, so the word ‘others’ have come to refer to people who want it enough.

Not those who want it today, but not tomorrow.

Because it is very frustrating to have done everything you could, yet with nothing to show for. The worst is when people almost expect you to make sure everything is in order, then and only then do they think they should bother to come down. I just hate it when you are trying to have 12 and your 10 or 11 ask if you have 12.

But because I never say no, I have laid out the red carpet.

Take it or leave it.

there is a question that has been haunting me all this while.

and i don't think i am anywhere near an answer.

the history of love

i just finished nicole krauss's the history of love, as well as dean koontz's the husband.

i thought the husband was not bad, a typical thriller. i found the twist quite stunning. and shocking.

but i thought the history of love was an ambitious and creative undertaking. i think u have to give krauss full credit for what she tried to do. for her style. whether or not it can be billed as a success is up to the individual's discretion, because as they say, one man's meat is another's poison. i thought it was quite a success, but i am one who likes to gush at things i have never seen, heard, experienced before. somewhat like how charlotte singer gives out posthumous Nobels.

i think the history of love is one of those books that are open-ended. you can discuss forever about it, but until you hear it from the author's mouth, you can never be 100% sure what really happened.

and i think in recent times, i have used this expression 'what really happened' quite often. i think there is a tinge of beauty in it because there is an element of the unknown. and we are always drawn to something we don't fully understand, because we want to know more.

but behind the beauty, behind the mystery, there is also resignation, and perhaps sadness as well, that you can never fully understand it.

milano

i never thought man u would capitulate just like that. in the first half, only for the first half, you could say milan were masterful. 90 percent there. man u were simply pathetic. i dun think there was any desire, any heart. surely they weren't thinking that they just needed to show up to go through?

but in the second half, milan were horrendous. i really cannot expect a team to play like this at home. defending all the way, passing around sloppily. it's almost as though they did not learn from the mistakes of istanbul and the first leg just a week earlier. there was no focus. and ironically, that summed up the pathetic state of man u. while there was some improvement, the fact that they couldnt punish milan for their lack of concentration exposed their own shortcomings.

i don't believe a team should close shop for 45 minutes with a 2-0 lead. it is in this kind of situation where u really can go for the kill by applying pressure, by attacking, attacking and attacking. make it 3-0, 4-0 or 5-0. and 45 minutes is simply too long to hold on to. a team can score 2 in 5 minutes. a team can take only 10 seconds to score a goal. so how many goals do you think they can score in 45 minutes? and don't forget, the moment you concede, your confidence is gone, their confidence will skyrocket, the momentum will be with them, and you will be finished.

and if you do want to defend, at least you don't give them chances. you need to disrupt their rhythm, and you need to make sure they dun get anywhere near your goal. milan didnt do that. that's why i thought they were terrible in the second half. if man u were sharper, and much better, milan would be crying.

can we play total football?

the first thing that struck me was that it's a beautiful day.

but it has been scarred by the rain.

i think i have learnt to treasure the sun.

maybe we just didnt have enough desire.

hello, May.