inconsistency

in 2006/2007, we got the results against all the big teams but faltered against lesser opposition.

in 2007/2008, we started brilliantly but faltered towards the end.

in 2008/2009, we started terribly and don't know if we will end terribly.

of course you can say it is too early to say. i have checked the statistics.

last season, from august to october(10 games)
arsenal- 26pts
man u- 26 pts
chelsea- 21 pts
blackburn- 21 pts
liverpool- 20 pts

this season, for the same period
liverpool- 26 pts
chelsea- 23 pts
man u- 21 pts ( i don't expect them to drop points for their game in hand)
arsenal- 20 pts
hull- 20 pts

people talked about a late surge from man u last season. but the fact is that they were there in november. of course in the end, chelsea did catch up, even though they were 5 points behind in november.

but the truth is that if you are not careful, a 6pt lead can become 10. and that is when the race is 90% over, whether in December or March, because god has to be smiling damn bloody widely on you to let you win the title if you are so screwed up.

so the equation is very simple:

win the next 20 games back-to-back. then we have 80 points going into the last 8 games. and we should be in a good position then.

it is useless if you win in turkey and at west ham, and then take a 4-2 lead and draw 4-4, with all 4 goals conceded amazingly soft. this is not the first time this has happened. we lost to hull and drew sunderland after wins. if we can't string back-to-back wins, then we can forget about winning anything.

people say that we should have run down the clock at 4-2 and with 6 minutes remaining. well i don't blame the players for attacking, naive as it may be. in fact, i was urging them to attack, partly because there was too much time left. of course the safest option would be to run down the clock. but how the goals came about wasn't because we took risks. it was because we gave them the goals on a platter. so whether you defend or you attack, it was always going to happen.

a big win against stoke is nothing if it is not followed by another win.

so please stop all the talking after the games, because you have no right to talk.

go and win that 20 games back-to-back then maybe you have the right to open your mouth.

and i repeat myself: if this season is to end in disappointment again, the door is open to anyone who wants to leave. but whoever leaves has no guts to face the fans and everyone else and take the responsibility that it is he who has fallen short. and by leaving, he is accepting that he is a loser, because he cannot win anything; he needs to go somewhere else where others can win something for him.

one or two years ago, we led all the way until the very last second of injury time and fabregas gave the ball away and they equalised.

and so, we are the fools again. the fools who cannot beat spurs when everyone's beating them at will. the fools who gave them 4 goals on the platter.

at 4-2, everyone simply took the foot off the pedal. it seemed as though we were happy that it was 4-4 rather than 4-5.

and we had to be the losers who screw up when everyone else won.

almunia- 1
off the line for the first and fourth goals, failed to hold on to the ball for the third, and overall proving overwhelmingly that the past few games in which he was excellent were blips. capello was in the stands. why would i call him up for england if i were him?

defence-5
clichy made the slip that led to the third goal. he was actually faultless mostly, athletic performance as usual. sagna was also the usual consistent self. silvestre and gallas looked shaky at times, but contributed the goals.

midfield-5
i think the midfield never really got going, and were absolutely horrendous in closing down the space. that's the reason why the shots which totally exposed the ineptness of almunia got in. whatever they do in attack cannot atone for the mistakes in defending, because these mistakes simply cost us the win.

attack-5
van persie and adebayor both scored. but maybe they should have scored more. the chances were there. it could have been 5-1 before spurs got the second goal. once a team gets a second goal, it will always feel that glimmer of hope.

the mistake we made was that we didnt extinguish it once and for all when we had the chance.

in the end, we gave the point to them on a platter.

i always believe that we are actually a charity organisation in disguise.

can we please stop this bullshit?

Mari Selieni

Someone's looking for me, my wife informed me. I got up from my chair on the balcony and slowly made my way down the stairs. Somehow, I already knew who it was.

There he was, sitting at the bar. He stood up as I approached. We shook hands and I looked him from head to toe. It was my first time meeting him. Even though I already knew who he was, I had no anticipation as to how he should look like, because I had only heard of him.

He already had a beer in front of him, so I went to the cooler and took a bottle for myself, as he sat down again.

"So, we finally meet," I paused, before continuing, "I have heard a lot about you."

He looked at me in surprise.

"So, what kind of girl is Beatrize?"

Hearing myself ask that question was like taking a time machine back to forty years ago, when I myself was in this young man's shoes, being asked a question by the old man in front of him.

"Beatrize is the kind of girl who immediately stands out. The kind of girl who will sit there quietly, and yet draw all the attention. It may have something to do with her eyes. Those eyes that talk. At the same time, her eyes always seem far away, with a slight hint of sorrow. It's a kind of vulnerability. A vulnerability that strangely draws you closer and closer, until you fall into the trap. You know it's a mistake, but yet you willingly make it."

"So do you regret it, now that she's gone?"

He shook his head.

"What are you going to do now?"

"I will continue to search for her. That's why I am here, to talk to you."

"I don't know where she is. And even if I do, if she tells me not to say, I will respect her wish."

"Then I will have to look elsewhere."

His voice was resolute.

"Have you ever heard of the phrase 'mari selieni'?"

He shook his head.

"It is Flenien. Literally, it means to sail the seas. There is a story behind it. A long time ago, this naval commander Balgia fell in love with the Princess. Balgia had led the navy in repelling off successive enemy attacks, and was as such seen as a hero by the populace. The king wasn't exactly happy about this, so when Balgia came to ask for the Princess's hand, he saw a good opportunity to get rid of Balgia. To prove his worth, Balgia must sail the seas to find the 7-headed Serpent that was said to dwell in the depths of the seas, and slay it so that the fishermen and sailors could sail safely. For a town as dependent on the sea as Flenie, this was the greatest contribution one could make. So, Balgia set sail with his ship. Days became weeks, weeks became months, and months became years. But he was obsessed with finding the Serpent, and continued sailing the seas. No one ever knew what became of him; none of his crew made it back to shore. Their supplies couldn't have lasted for more than a month, so they must all have died. Over the years, fishermen and sailors alike periodically reported seeing a lone ship sailing aimlessly in the horizon. It is said to be the ship of Balgia. A ghost ship, condemned to sail the seas. So, mari selieni is used to describe someone who is condemned to wander, without ever finding what he is obsessed with.

"It is an interesting story, isn't it?"

I watched him descend down the hill.

"So what kind of girl is Claire?"

"Claire. Claire…is like the sea. The vast sea. You can stand at the coastline and watch her, listen to her forever. She is almost always calm and soothing, gently rocking you to sleep, to serenity. Almost always, because like the sea, she has her temperament. At times like these, she is actually trying to hide her vulnerability, her insecurity, her fear. But even during such times, when people stay away, I want to be there for her."

"The sea," he laughed. "Mereven, you are good. The sea. You certainly know our weak spot. Not bad! I think I like you. You are the first Mereven I can stand. "

He sat there for a while, swirling his cup of mead. Then he said, "You know, Claire must really like you a lot. That's good. I have taken care of her all my life. It's hard for an old man like me. Damn Balgia for taking my son and his wife. But anyway, I am not getting any younger anymore. Someone else must take care of her. I can't be around forever. I don't trust a Mereven, but I think I can trust you. And I know she trusts you. I trust her judgment, after all she's Claire. My Claire. Now, listen you Mereven, if you ever hurt her, Balgia will haunt you. Did I scare you? Hohoho, I was just kidding."

He proceeded to hum a song. I recognized the tune immediately. Claire was always humming it.

40 years. That's a long time.

I went back to the balcony, and the sea was still there, painted red by the last rays of the setting sun.

Her City

"Ladies and Gentlemen, in a few minutes, we will arrive in Diennik Central Station…"

I swung my duffel bag over my shoulder and joined the crowd waiting at the exits, ready to alight. I looked out of the window, the myriad of townhouses, some well-preserved, some run-down, whizzed by. An elderly man's eyes followed us from his junk-strewn balcony till he himself went out of sight. So, this is Diennik, I thought to myself.

Soon, we pulled into the futuristic terminal of the main station.

I alighted and put down my duffel bag, surveying my surroundings, observing the people hurrying about on the sleek, polished floor of the station. So, this is Diennik, I thought to myself.

Diennken/ Diennika, the sign read.

'We are actually two cities,' she told me with a serious expression on her face. 'Mereven and Flenie. The two cities have always been rivals. But in the end, we merged with the marriage of Princess Nuri and Prince Jaasken. It was decided to have the city named after the river, so as to be fair. But even so, we have different names for the river. So it is Diennken in the hills, and Diennika on the plains.'

Diennken/ Diennika.

I decided to walk to my hotel, after all, it was just a stop away by the Metro.

I got to my hotel, and took a shower; it had been a long train ride. The sun was already setting; autumn was coming.

Too late to pay a call, I decided. So, I went down to the reception and asked for dinner recommendations, as well as directions for tomorrow.

"There is a restaurant around the corner, serves traditional food. I mean Flenien food of course. It's very good. Or if you want, there is also a pizzeria down the main road. And along the way, you will find convenience stores as well. You can also pick up something from there.

To get to Mikan, you have to take the Metro. You exit here, turn right and come to the main street and you can see the 'M'-sign. That's the Metro Station, Beatri. You can take any of the lines to Letizi, and then you can change to the Siziling Line or Hafena Line to get to Mikan. From there you have to ask around. I don't know the address you are looking for."

I thanked the receptionist for her help and walked out into the cool evening.

'Flenien food?' she made a face.

I went to the pizzeria and got myself a Margherita.

After dinner, I strolled around aimlessly, a stark contrast to the people around me. They were all hurrying. They all knew where they were headed. Amidst them, I suddenly felt lost. I stood at the junction, and the foreign words rattled off by the others swirled around me, sweeping me up, pulling me into conversations to which I did not belong, of which I was in no way a part of.

This is her city.

a few things

-you only need 10 minutes to determine if you can click with someone.

-your judgement is right 90% of the time.

-the most important players are the 11 players on the pitch. in life, there are no substitutes.

-can we really run away from politics?

-i am frank, but i don't like to hear the truth. so i don't ask some questions, because i am frank enough with myself to know the answer. i don't need to hear it.

a beautiful mistake

I was moving out of my apartment. I was packing books into boxes, when while pulling out a particular book, another book fell onto the floor. I bent down and picked it up, carefully wiping the dust off. There was no title; it was one of my old journals. But from which year it was, I couldn’t remember anymore. I flipped through it and a photo slipped out.

I bent down and picked it up. It was a photo of me with a girl, whose arms were around my neck. A girl with brown hair in a hairstyle I couldn’t quite describe- there were elements of a bun, plaits…it was indescribable. Only be seeing for yourself can you visualize it. But looking at her, one thing’s for sure: she’s special.

There are some people in this world who are special; they just have this aura about them. They are the ones who will walk into a room, be it a party or a library, and everyone will just stop and stare. Even while being among others, minding their own business, you could spot them right away. She’s such a person.

Only, I couldn’t remember her name. Or to be more exact, I couldn’t remember who she was, where and when we had taken the photo.

I settled down by the window, and began flipping through the old journal, in a bid to unlock the mystery as to who she was.

17 March 2004
I moved into my room in Diennik proper today. Matjas, whom I had met when I came to view the room, opened the door and showed me to my room. The door was ajar, and sitting on the floor by the bed was a girl, while a meter away from her stood a guy by the window. They both smiled as they saw me, and the girl lowered the bottle of water she was holding.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but we were just finished with some last minute cleaning-up of your room.”

And she smiled again.

The guy helped her up and they walked towards us. Anneka and Pioter, the other two housemates who weren’t present when I came the other time.

I unpacked a little and we had dinner together. The others cooked; it was sort of a welcome dinner for me. They are really nice people.

Anneka is a very special girl. You just need to spend a little time around her to confirm that.

18 March 2004
I found out from Matjas today that Anneka and Pioter are together. Well, to be more precise, I confirmed it. It was rather obvious, actually.
Bad news? Of course I am disappointed. Hopefully, studies will be able to distract me. After all, I certainly don’t want to break them up. Not as if I have the capability, anyway.

27 March 2004
Had a farewell dinner for Pioter. He is moving to Japan for a semester on exchange. We had a Flenien dinner. Interestingly, both Pioter and Matjas come from Mereven. But Anneka comes from Flenie. Flenien food is very good, a lot of seafood. I didn’t quite catch the names of the dishes, but the meal was superb.

I could also tell that Anneka is sad that Pioter is going away for a while.

28 March 2004
So I came back to find Pioter gone. Because of my lessons, I couldn’t go to see him off. Matjas didn’t go either.

3 April 2004
Anneka is on the phone. As she has been every evening so far. It’s about midnight over there, so the time difference isn’t as bad.

Matjas is out, so it feels as though I am alone in the house.

7 May 2004
As I was coming home, I heard sobbing from Anneka’s room. She was on the phone and when she saw me, she slammed her door shut.

A quarrel? Long-distance is hardly easy.

20 May 2004
Anneka has been very quiet recently. She would be standing quietly in the kitchen, stirring her coffee absent-mindedly, staring into space, dazed. Her eyes, swollen from crying, were filled with sadness and vulnerability.

It affects me a lot to see her like this.

25 May 2004
I asked Anneka casually how things were. She managed a smile and nodded, before locking herself in her room again.

27 May 2004
I can’t believe it, but Anneka actually agreed to go to the party with me. I thought it could perhaps distract her from things or even cheer her up a bit. Of course I have to admit that I was really apprehensive about asking her, because I was quite sure she would turn me down.

‘No’ is the most dreaded word in any language.

Thankfully, I was spared that trauma.

29 May 2004
11 in the morning, and I am finally awake.

The party yesterday was crazy, not least because of what happened. Anneka and I met up with my friends and we had a lot of fun. About midway through, Janina started taking photographs and when she called to Anneka and me, Anneka simply put her arms around my neck. I was totally but pleasantly surprised.

Even though I knew she was drunk.

At the end of it all, I took her back home in a cab. I tucked her into bed, and she looked really sweet, all curled up. The picture of her sleeping would always stay in my memory.

10 June 2004
I know it is wrong to be seeing Anneka. It is like taking advantage of the situation. But I can’t help it. I am just sinking deeper and deeper. And it doesn’t help that Anneka herself isn’t putting a stop to it. I have no right to try to push the blame to her, not when I am taking advantage of her vulnerability.

I talked to Janina about it when she met me to pass me the photos. She laughed and said that in love, all is fair and square.
I wanted to agree with her, but I feel uneasy.

15 June 2004
I feel like a thief.

I am happy, don’t get me wrong. But I feel like a thief.

I am glad that Matjas is at his girlfriend’s house much of the time.

17 July 2004
Had dinner with Anneka at this great Italian place at Boccinaga. Come to think of it, this is the first time I am really in the Lower Town, the Flenien part of Diennik. Our apartment and university are both in the Upper Town, and there’s basically everything there as well, so there wasn’t really a need to cross the river, not when the rivalry still persists.

I told Anneka that she has to show me her part of town, and she readily agreed.

20 July 2004
Anneka brought me around Flenie today. We went around the Old Town and walked along the Diennik, this time on the Flenien bank, right up to the river mouth. Along the way, Anneka told me stories about Flenie.

For the first time, I realized how much Flenie means to her.

I asked her then, why did she choose to study at the Technological University of Diennik. She smiled and I realized later on why she had smiled. The answer was so obvious: her course Chemistry is only offered there. The university in Flenie offers the non-science courses. It was an arrangement from the time when the two cities first merged.

Even though I have been living here for a while, I don’t feel as though I know Diennik well. Not after today.

7 August 2004
Just came back from a fishing trip with Anneka. We went out on one of those fishing ships. Anneka’s uncle is a fisherman. We stayed up all night to watch the crew do their job, reeling in the nets bulging with freshly-caught fish. Anneka watched, totally enthralled. Her uncle told me that when Anneka was younger, she often begged to be allowed to go with him on his fishing ship. I could very well picture the young Anneka watching in awe.

Breakfast was a very sumptuous traditional Flenien meal of very fresh fish onboard. Anneka’s uncle skillfully prepared it. Very simple, very fresh, very delicious.

Time to catch up on some sleep.

14 August 2004
Anneka is growing quieter again.

Matjas is around the house more often.

18 August 2004
I have been ignoring it, praying that it would somehow go away.

And for a while, it certainly seemed as though it did.

But it hadn’t.

It is coming back to haunt me.

19 August 2004
Anneka’s growing silence; Matja’s growing presence.

My wonderful illusion is slowly falling apart.

20 August 2004
The dreaded moment finally came. Anneka talked to me.

She thanked me for being there for her. But it was a mistake right from the start.
She said she was sorry, but she never loved me.

My first thought was to scream at her. How could she say that? How could she brush aside everything that has happened simply with that?

I didn’t say anything for a long time, because I was trying to grasp the reality of things. At last, I managed a smile and said I had always seen her as just a friend, and that I was glad she’s all right now.

To tell the truth, I am amazed I actually got that out.

She smiled, and thanked me for my understanding before leaving me alone in the kitchen.

Her smile wasn’t her usual radiant smile, but that of a troubled one.

21 August 2004
Things are getting awkward now.

I can’t live in this place anymore. Especially not with Pioter coming back.

26 August 2004
Janina agreed to let me bunk in with her till I find another accommodation. It solves just about everything. She lives in Mikan, which is in the opposite direction from here.

But I can’t stay with her forever, so I need to find another place soon.

As far away as possible.

But yet, not in Flenie.

So that leaves Saroken and Mikan as the only possibilities, because I can’t live that far away from the uni.

27 August 2004
I told Matjas I was moving out.

He simply nodded.

29 August 2004
Matjas came to my room while I was packing my stuff. He stood at the doorway and looked as though he wanted to say something. But he didn’t.

30 August 2004
As I moved out of the apartment, Matjas saw me to the door and even helped with my luggage. As I got into the cab, he told me, “I am sorry it turned out like this.”

I understand, I told him.

“Take care, and see you around in school” were his parting words.

**
“A beer,” I told Katrin the waitress.

“How’s packing?” Katrin asked as she placed the bottle in front of me.

“So-so,” I shrugged.

“Everything ok?” she asked with a tinge of concern.

“Unpleasant memories I have forgotten,” I said, taking a sip.

“But you remember.”

“I was reminded.”

“Tell me about it.”

I told her everything, including how I had tried to avoid the three of them in the university, which wasn’t very difficult because we were taking different courses and in different semesters in the first place.

“It was all a mistake,” I concluded, gulping down the last bit of my beer and handing the bottle to her. “Another one.”

She took the empty bottle and handed another to me, nodding, “A mistake indeed. But the mistake lay in how you all tried to resolve the matter.”

“What would you have done, then?”

“I don’t know. I am glad I am not being placed in such a situation.”

She leaned back, in thought. “Maybe it was a mistake. But it was a beautiful mistake, no? A summer fling, but I am sure those were wonderful memories…hey, what are you trying to forget?”

there is no doubt that david villa is the new king of the mestalla.

4-0, with the display sometimes bordering on exhibition football. the fourth goal and villa's second was exquisite. at the moment, juan mata and manuel fernandes seem to be doing no wrong. in fact, mata is fast turning out to be the gem of the season. vicente came on for a cameo and promptly scored with a well-taken finish after mata picked him out. in the earlier stages, picking people out at will was what joaquin was doing, but he slowly faded out, although his technique was always superb. all in all, a good performance. bear in mind that david silva is still to come back. but some of the defensive clearances resemble rugby punts straight up to the sky.

arsenal also won 3-1, after an early scare. nasri scored out of nowhere and that really gave us the belief that the game was there to be won.

ajax also won 1-0.

so did kashima, to keep the lead with 5 games to go.

a fruitful weekend on the football side of life.

overall, i learnt that:
sometimes, the things that didnt happen are more significant than the things that did.

numbers

consider 8 in a group of 80.

you can either see it as 1/10 or 8. a very big difference.

but sometimes, just 1 is enough.

if there is 1.

thursday

and so, the debacle over my studentcard finally came to an end. i got my card at last, albeit with an incomplete name.

what's in a name? that we call a rose by any other would smell as sweet.

anyway, at least i can take comfort in the knowledge that my name won't be scrutinised exactly in any situation, because the people don't understand the naming system, and to cover up for their ignorance, they will brush over it. so there isn't any problem at all.

but the whole debacle has made me realise a few things:

-a team is only as strong as its weakest link. no team can boast to be championship-material, to be elite if they have a third-rate goalkeeper. never mind if all other teams have third-rate goalkeepers as well. that is simply an unacceptably lousy excuse. it shows that the mentality is third-rate as well.

-human factor is everywhere. a friend of mine told me that if one is not confident about contact with other people, he can work in the kitchen. but that doesn't mean that the kitchen is devoid of life. the human factor is present in another form. what the hell will you be cooking if you don't think about the people eating it?

you cannot run away from the human factor.

you cannot say much of my job doesn't involve it, so i can get away with little understanding of it.even if you are a striker,if you have to defend, you jolly well defend.

i think alot of problems we have today is because people have forgotten the essence, their souls. that is why i have long since given up on big organisations, because they are the first ones to lose that soul.

they have forgotten their soul.

-lines are being drawn too clearly here, and in some cases, thick lines borne out of the wildest imagination possible. i think if a defender were to be beaten, and his teammates just say: that's not my problem, then the team is in deep trouble. if the players are not ready to stand up for one another, to fight for one another, then why do i have a team?

when ogasawara was ruled out for the rest of the season, the manager told the team: up to now, all of you have been doing just what is required of you, nothing more, leaving your captain to shoulder everything else.

well you do wonder if sometimes those people have even fulfilled what is required of them.

-i feel that between a fake smile that looks happy and a fake smile that looks grumpy, i would take the fake smile that looks happy, anytime. so can you imagine my disbelief when i was ever told that service in japan is too fake.i feel that if we cannot accept that, it is either because we cannot understand it due to linguistic barriers, or simply because there is something deficient in us. something that causes us to reject it. it is like blinding beauty that makes us feel inferior, and as such, we reject it. those are the only reasons i can come up with.

-of course what happened could be said to be an isolated case. but i must admit that in general, they don't know what is service here. some do, and they perform admirably. but alot flop, and i think that's a real shame, because they don't owe it to me, but to their own people, to themselves, to the pretty girls on the streets.

on a brighter note, it is Thursday. the long-awaited Thursday. whether we make the run or stay on the line, maybe we will know today.

byousoku 5 cm

thanks to seetoh, i finally managed to watch this:
http://www.animecrazy.net/2008/10/15/5-centimetres-per-second/

it must be a lonely journey that i can't imagine. intently going forward through the darkness. even one hydrogen atome is hard to find. only believing that there must be something at the edge of the world. with that thought, how far can we go?

When did i start to write mail and then not send it to anyone?

at the same time, i realise that he never looks at me. because of that, i didnt say anything to him that day.

Tohno-kun is very kind. but he is always looking at something so far away that i can't see.

just by living, the sadness has piled up.
**
one more time, one more chance- masayoshi yamazaki

How much more do I have to lose, before my heart is forgiven?
How many more pains do I have to suffer, to meet you once again?
One more time, oh seasons, fade not
One more time, when we were messing around

Whenever we disagreed, I would always give in first
Your selfish nature made me love you even more
One more chance, the memories restrain my steps
One more chance, I cannot choose my next destination

I'm always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
On the opposite platform, in the windows along the lane
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn't do
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight
________________________________________
If I just wanted to avoid loneliness, anybody would have been enough.
Because the night looks like the stars will fall, I cannot lie to myself.
One more time, oh seasons, fade not.
One more time, when we were messing around

I'm always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
At a street crossing, in the midst of dreams
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
The new morning, who I'll be from now on
And the words I never said: "I love you."
________________________________________
The memories of summer are revolving
The throbbing which suddenly disappeared

I'm always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
At dawn on the streets, at Sakuragi-cho
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right away
There would be nothing I couldn't do
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight

I'm always searching, for fragments of you to appear somewhere
At a traveller's store, in the corner of newspaper,
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
The new morning, who I'll be from now on
And the words I never said: "I love you."

I always end up looking for your smile, to appear somewhere
At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass
Even though I know you couldn't be at such a place
If our lives could be repeated, I would be at your side every time
I would want nothing else
Besides you, nothing else matters

a few thoughts

about fate/luck
it is something you cannot depend on most of the time, but sometimes you have to count on it to deal you a favourable hand so that you can go from there. that's what we call 'the only thing i can do is to wait'

but most of the time, when you need it, it is not there. so you have to look to try to create it, to make it happen, although 'the only thing i can do is to wait'

on waiting
actually, i hate to wait. i hate to be the one waiting on the flanks, hugging the touchline, waiting for the ball to come, so that i can make my run. unless of course, if the touchline is a pretty girl. den even if the ball comes, i won't run.

but seriously, i am kind of sick of waiting. to be honest, i am very good at waiting. i dare say that one of my strengths is waiting, holding out. i am very good at what i call 'playing your game' which is basically playing your game, matching your play. basically the whole idea is to be a nuisance, and not budge. stubbornly cling on. you won't really win, but you will get a draw at least.

even though i don't like to do it, that seems to be the only option available against exasperating people. seriously, some people in this world are unbelievable. and i don't mean in the positive way.

it makes you wonder what they are there for.

anyway i don't like this tactic because i only believe in winning. 1 point is not 3 points.

on a system
do you know why i don't believe in big organisations? because they think they are great, they think they are big, and they think because of that they can get away with everything and that they are fantastic.

but they don't realise they have lost their souls. they have forgotten what their core business is about.

and they can tell you what a wonderful system they have.

i reserve my comments about that, because they arent pretty.

seriously, if a system is not robust enough, then maybe it is better not to have that system. you are just making a fool out of yourself with your ineptness. and boy, can you be inept.

at the end of the day, there is only one test. the simplest test in the world.

and not many of your great big organisations pass that.

An Interview

First of all, a very warm welcome. So how is life after leaving your old team for a new challenge?

Life is good. Of course it takes some time to get used to a different league, but I think I have gotten used to it. It is always hard to leave, but it was an offer I couldn’t refuse.

What is the difference between your old team and your new team?

Well, you can say that I inherited my old team; it was given to me. And it was almost perfect. I mean it still is. But a spark was always lacking. A player who can bring something special to the team was lacking.

A playmaker?

A playmaker, a winger, a forward, the position is not important. That special player can always find that extra something to lift the team, wherever he plays.That was the player we were missing.

What about your new team?

Well, it is nothing like the old team, of course. We have to start from scratch. Everything is very new, at a very early stage. We have to get to know one another and see where we can go from there.

Coming from a different league, is there added pressure to prove your worth, to justify your position in the team?

Of course there will always be doubts. These doubts will never be dispelled. But I don’t really intend to worry about it. People who know me know what I am about, and people will slowly get to know me and understand what I am about. So I don’t have to worry about convincing anyone.

What are some of the challenges that you face with your new team?

Well first of all it takes time to develop the chemistry that we had in the old team. And maybe we will never achieve that. We shall see. Another thing is of course that I have to rebuild the team all over again. It may seem rather daunting, but I am actually looking forward to it, because it is like a blank canvas. But of course it is not easy to find the right components.

Such as?

Well, we are definitely in the market for a player who can galvanise the team.

It seems that there are quite a few players on the market who fit the bill.

Well, you only need one Cesc Fabregas, don’t you? It’s the same principle. We only need one. Of course the passport is not important. If you are good, you are good.

The new season is finally starting. What are your objectives?

Champions, champions. That has never changed.

But how optimistic really are you about your chances?

Well, I think it is most important that we keep the title race alive. Away games will be very important as well. We have to be ready to get a result away from home. And of course, we have to make our homeground a fortress.

Well, we thank you for the interview.

at last, the tide has turned.

vindicated.

you know what it feels like to be standing at the touchline, making a fist pump?

it is like the goal you have been waiting for from your team has finally come.

it is like being proven right, when the odds are stacked against you.

it is a wonderful feeling.

trust

i have been thinking.

if someone asks a favour from another, but doesn't get back to that person until a bit later, it can mean a few things:

1. the someone trusts that person very, very much because he can leave something to that person without needing to worry

2. he can't be bothered.

in the second case, the implication is that he doesn't want it enough.

in the first case, that other person ought to feel flattered that he is held in such high regard.

but again, if that trust really exists, it should be two-way. the relationship must be at a certain level; both sides must know what they are doing and why. if this condition is not fulfilled, i don't really believe that you can say that someone trust that person. neither can you say that that person trust that someone, because if he doesn't know what that someone is up to, how can he trust that someone?

all confusing indeed.

but i feel that it could be due to the lack of respect for that person, seeing that person as an underling- perhaps the only underling because there wasn't anyone else to turn to.

then that someone is really the lowest of the low. for someone forced into a corner with no one else to turn to, so to say, he shouldnt really have any right to talk, let alone behave like this.

but yet to be able to turn the table and behave as if the whole world revolves around him, the whole world owes him a living, surely you can say that is the hallmark of 'greatness'.

i don't believe that you can simply show up and expect to win.

and i don't regard people who think that way highly.

it doesn't show respect to the other people who fought.

"Humans are so interesting"- Ryuk

interestingly, i have been drawing abit on Ryuk's lines lately.

human behaviour is very interesting. even though i always say politics is a dirty word, you can't deny that it is very interesting, from the observer's viewpoint of course.

being an observer also means you can look at things more objectively. abit devoid of emotions, even. suddenly i think of L, Near and Mello.

it is interesting to look at things with puppets and figurines.

but of course when you look at things too detachedly, you may also end up neglecting a very important aspect of human behaviour- emotion. emotion is something that you cannot really use logic to evaluate. emotion changes equations, introduces unpredictability.

that's why right at the end, they defied Near's orders to run after Light. that was something Near had neglected- emotions.

anyway all of the above is just very random musing related to something i have been doing recently.

wherever i am, i am still there somehow.

-when something is taken away from you, another thing is given to you. god has a weird sense of humour, but he somehow evens out things(most of the time)

-nationality isn't important because if you consider this, players like ryan giggs would never have played for manchester united. small countries like austria and belgium can have very good players too.

最後の最後

so school has finally started.

other than the fact that it is time for lectures and tutorials again, there is also another similarity to jc times: the restriction of watching football to highlights. sopcast and all the other livestreams ceased to work for me about 2 weeks ago. the game against blackburn was the last live game i watched.

the past 2 years was in some ways a nightmare, in others a dream. a dream because i think if we hadnt been under that kind of circumstances, we wouldnt have been able to do the things we enjoyed. friday night dinners, sunday soccer, and football on scv.

i think it is so that sometimes we can talk about things as though they didnt concern us, as though we werent involved only after the madness is over, after the chaos has died down, after enough time has lapsed. maybe it is then, that our minds are clearer and we are able to make better evaluations.

amazingly, i haven't fallen asleep during math lectures. and i actually feel abit of excitement and motivation. maybe because it is something i havent done in a while.

i haven't played football since coming back. i have always thought that the reason why i would stop playing would remain the only reason. it is still the only valid reason, but it is not the only reason, because it is not the reason why i have stopped. so why did i stop? frankly speaking, it is a combination of factors.

i actually didnt write a story in september. i thought the inspiration would come in zagreb. but it didnt. when i look back on it, i feel that writing is similar to football. and for a while, i thought i have found the reason to stop playing and stop writing.

but some games seem to end before they have even begun.

even so, i can still remember how it was like, to feel your heart pounding again. maybe the excitement i feel now is a remnant from that memory, that sudden, irrational desire to be fighting not just for yourself, but for someone else.

even so, i can't deny that as days turn into weeks, so too does the possibility vanish.

but as hope turns into disappointment, like petals falling off, a single stalk will remain- that last bit of faith in the depths of your heart. 最後の最後. that very, very last bit of hope, belief that you cling on to until the very end.

but whether or not that is enough to overcome all odds stacked against you by the master trickster that is god remains to be seen.

some games may seem to be over, but then again, they may not be.

whatever the outcome may be, however, the taste of it was like a drop of water in a desert, a fleeting sweetness that reminds you that you are alive.

anyway, my new neighbour is a guy.